Did you meet your spouse too young?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:23.

I was young but I slutted it up enough from 18-23 that I don’t feel I missed out on anything.

+1. College years were wild and fun but I was ready for the next chapter when I meant DH at 23

Lolols. You were ready to not have to live alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:23.

I was young but I slutted it up enough from 18-23 that I don’t feel I missed out on anything.

Ha, I was 23 too but never slutted it up at all. Sometimes I wish I had because now I feel like a nun.

My thoughts on the state of our marriage change every 5-10 years but never regret the marriage, only regret ways I've dealt with problems.
I felt like you wishing I dated more at some point. Now I see I dated more than most and could have ended up with a bad outcome or stds. Plus, so many losers out there, why put yourself in danger of ending up with them or bouncing around when you find a great man. I could never have done better but admit 15+years ago thinking it would have been nice to sleep around more. Maybe it was my age, watching too much satc, boredom or general bad judgment that made me think the grass was greener.

[Anonymous]

Met at 23, dated for 3 yrs, engaged for 1, married 25 years.

Wish we would have met earlier!

I would have not had two tumultuous and heartbreaking relationships although God Bless the broken road and unanswered prayers (to paraphrase two favorite songs), here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met at 25, married at 30. In a perfect world, I would have met her 2-5 years later so I could have played the field longer but men always feel we left some on the field.

This is not exclusive to men despite what the patriarchy has told you.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Met at 29. It was perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:23.

I was young but I slutted it up enough from 18-23 that I don’t feel I missed out on anything.

+1. College years were wild and fun but I was ready for the next chapter when I meant DH at 23

Lolols. You were ready to not have to live alone.

Well, yeah. We didn’t move in together for a couple years but I was ready for a LTR and, eventually, for moving in together and then marriage.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I won’t give advice on dating or marriage even though I have been married two decades. It’s different for everyone, very subjective. I am unhappy right now probably because I married so young so I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s it.

My parents married young their advice to all of us was not to get married before 30. My mom's biggest regret is that she essentially went from her parents' house to being a housewife, she didn't have time to develop on her own.

Sounds like a different era. I had a graduate degree, several years of work experience and my own apartment when I married at 25.

I had all of that at 25, too, but I still am incredibly glad I waited a few more years to get married. Hopefully you weren’t the same person at 25 and 30- those five years were an incredible period of growth for me.

NP here. I was 20 and my husband 22 when we met. Married at 22 and 24.
I wasn’t the same person at 25 I was at 30, and I’m not the same in my 40s as I was at 30 or 25. Neither is my husband. We’re lucky that we’ve grown together, and have worked together to be where we are and who we are.
I’d probably a different person today had I married later in life, but I’m very happy with who I am and with who my spouse is-still.
Marriage is a leap of faith no matter how old one is when you make it.

+1

+2

Marriage isn't a leap of faith unless you are a nitwit. Which if you got married at 35 or younger you just might be.

I agree with PP's point that marriage is a leap of faith no matter what age you get married: People change. You are committing to a person that really isn't going to be the same over the decades no matter what age you start. You are committing to the unknown. People get divorced because "I changed" and if you don't go into marriage knowing you each will change, you're not getting it.

60's/ met at 18/19, married at 22/23.

It's not a leap of faith and that has nothing to do with your partner changing. But I wouldn't expect a nitwit to understand that.

Not sure why the nitwit comment was called for, but whatever. Married many decades happily so nitwits we are!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I won’t give advice on dating or marriage even though I have been married two decades. It’s different for everyone, very subjective. I am unhappy right now probably because I married so young so I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s it.

My parents married young their advice to all of us was not to get married before 30. My mom's biggest regret is that she essentially went from her parents' house to being a housewife, she didn't have time to develop on her own.

Sounds like a different era. I had a graduate degree, several years of work experience and my own apartment when I married at 25.

I had all of that at 25, too, but I still am incredibly glad I waited a few more years to get married. Hopefully you weren’t the same person at 25 and 30- those five years were an incredible period of growth for me.

NP here. I was 20 and my husband 22 when we met. Married at 22 and 24.
I wasn’t the same person at 25 I was at 30, and I’m not the same in my 40s as I was at 30 or 25. Neither is my husband. We’re lucky that we’ve grown together, and have worked together to be where we are and who we are.
I’d probably a different person today had I married later in life, but I’m very happy with who I am and with who my spouse is-still.
Marriage is a leap of faith no matter how old one is when you make it.

+1

+2

Marriage isn't a leap of faith unless you are a nitwit. Which if you got married at 35 or younger you just might be.

I agree with PP's point that marriage is a leap of faith no matter what age you get married: People change. You are committing to a person that really isn't going to be the same over the decades no matter what age you start. You are committing to the unknown. People get divorced because "I changed" and if you don't go into marriage knowing you each will change, you're not getting it.

60's/ met at 18/19, married at 22/23.

It's not a leap of faith and that has nothing to do with your partner changing. But I wouldn't expect a nitwit to understand that.

What is your problem? Putting aside everything that’s wrong with your implicit analysis that assumes that both people and the circumstances that shape people stay static, what is your problem?

My problem is I get tired of the bullcrap spewed here. MAriage is a choice full stop. It's not a leap of faith or whatever othe rmagical bullshit you are or someone else is trying to sell.

I think you are seeing “people change” as romantic rather than a pragmatic view of relationships. No matter when you meet someone, things will change in your lives and your relationship will change. You will become parents, life goals may change, sickness and old age may change how you interact, life presents all kinds of surprises and people do change their views over time. I don’t think anyone is saying people become entirely different but as your relationship grows you see new sides to your spouse. This is often not a bad thing and can strengthen relationships but it can also be hard. I think you are willfully misunderstanding what pps are saying.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I won’t give advice on dating or marriage even though I have been married two decades. It’s different for everyone, very subjective. I am unhappy right now probably because I married so young so I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s it.

My parents married young their advice to all of us was not to get married before 30. My mom's biggest regret is that she essentially went from her parents' house to being a housewife, she didn't have time to develop on her own.

Sounds like a different era. I had a graduate degree, several years of work experience and my own apartment when I married at 25.

I had all of that at 25, too, but I still am incredibly glad I waited a few more years to get married. Hopefully you weren’t the same person at 25 and 30- those five years were an incredible period of growth for me.

NP here. I was 20 and my husband 22 when we met. Married at 22 and 24.
I wasn’t the same person at 25 I was at 30, and I’m not the same in my 40s as I was at 30 or 25. Neither is my husband. We’re lucky that we’ve grown together, and have worked together to be where we are and who we are.
I’d probably a different person today had I married later in life, but I’m very happy with who I am and with who my spouse is-still.
Marriage is a leap of faith no matter how old one is when you make it.

+1

+2

Marriage isn't a leap of faith unless you are a nitwit. Which if you got married at 35 or younger you just might be.

I agree with PP's point that marriage is a leap of faith no matter what age you get married: People change. You are committing to a person that really isn't going to be the same over the decades no matter what age you start. You are committing to the unknown. People get divorced because "I changed" and if you don't go into marriage knowing you each will change, you're not getting it.

60's/ met at 18/19, married at 22/23.

It's not a leap of faith and that has nothing to do with your partner changing. But I wouldn't expect a nitwit to understand that.

So what would be a leap of faith? With the divorce rates what they are, I'm not sure how you go into marriage without that attitude.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I won’t give advice on dating or marriage even though I have been married two decades. It’s different for everyone, very subjective. I am unhappy right now probably because I married so young so I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s it.

My parents married young their advice to all of us was not to get married before 30. My mom's biggest regret is that she essentially went from her parents' house to being a housewife, she didn't have time to develop on her own.

Sounds like a different era. I had a graduate degree, several years of work experience and my own apartment when I married at 25.

I had all of that at 25, too, but I still am incredibly glad I waited a few more years to get married. Hopefully you weren’t the same person at 25 and 30- those five years were an incredible period of growth for me.

NP here. I was 20 and my husband 22 when we met. Married at 22 and 24.
I wasn’t the same person at 25 I was at 30, and I’m not the same in my 40s as I was at 30 or 25. Neither is my husband. We’re lucky that we’ve grown together, and have worked together to be where we are and who we are.
I’d probably a different person today had I married later in life, but I’m very happy with who I am and with who my spouse is-still.
Marriage is a leap of faith no matter how old one is when you make it.

+1

+2

Marriage isn't a leap of faith unless you are a nitwit. Which if you got married at 35 or younger you just might be.

I agree with PP's point that marriage is a leap of faith no matter what age you get married: People change. You are committing to a person that really isn't going to be the same over the decades no matter what age you start. You are committing to the unknown. People get divorced because "I changed" and if you don't go into marriage knowing you each will change, you're not getting it.

60's/ met at 18/19, married at 22/23.

It's not a leap of faith and that has nothing to do with your partner changing. But I wouldn't expect a nitwit to understand that.

I think pps are saying that people do change and this is unavoidable. In a successful marriage you work towards growing together, not apart, over the years. No matter when you marry, though, you are taking a leap of faith by hoping you and your partner are able to weather storms together and make the effort to love another complex, ever changing and growing person.

If your partner changing over the course of the relationship has “nothing to do with it” is it your opinion that there is some way you can know the person your partner will be in 20 or 40 years and what your marriage will look like? Why do you feel that at age 35+ you would have certainty around this?

The whole people change excuse is what people say for staying with an asshole. People really don't change that much. That's a fact.


Saying marriage is a leap of faith is like calling your spouse your best friend, someone you in awe of your most foundational person etc, utter BS and fairytales Grown ups who don't engage in magiacal Disney thinking do not think or speak this way.

Ah, so sounds like you've been hurt, ok. And no, after 35 years of marriage we are nowhere near disney, magical, spouse is my foundation or whole world. Marriage is very real and people absolutely do change over the course of decades. Real marriage is definitely far from a fairytale.

[Anonymous]

For the people that say they married too young, I’m wondering if the problems you had would’ve just been delayed if you had married later or married another person. Like, whatever you learned about yourself during your early marriage, maybe there’s no other way you would’ve learned that except through that relationship.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I won’t give advice on dating or marriage even though I have been married two decades. It’s different for everyone, very subjective. I am unhappy right now probably because I married so young so I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s it.

My parents married young their advice to all of us was not to get married before 30. My mom's biggest regret is that she essentially went from her parents' house to being a housewife, she didn't have time to develop on her own.

Sounds like a different era. I had a graduate degree, several years of work experience and my own apartment when I married at 25.

I had all of that at 25, too, but I still am incredibly glad I waited a few more years to get married. Hopefully you weren’t the same person at 25 and 30- those five years were an incredible period of growth for me.

NP here. I was 20 and my husband 22 when we met. Married at 22 and 24.
I wasn’t the same person at 25 I was at 30, and I’m not the same in my 40s as I was at 30 or 25. Neither is my husband. We’re lucky that we’ve grown together, and have worked together to be where we are and who we are.
I’d probably a different person today had I married later in life, but I’m very happy with who I am and with who my spouse is-still.
Marriage is a leap of faith no matter how old one is when you make it.

+1

+2

Marriage isn't a leap of faith unless you are a nitwit. Which if you got married at 35 or younger you just might be.

I agree with PP's point that marriage is a leap of faith no matter what age you get married: People change. You are committing to a person that really isn't going to be the same over the decades no matter what age you start. You are committing to the unknown. People get divorced because "I changed" and if you don't go into marriage knowing you each will change, you're not getting it.

60's/ met at 18/19, married at 22/23.

It's not a leap of faith and that has nothing to do with your partner changing. But I wouldn't expect a nitwit to understand that.

What is your problem? Putting aside everything that’s wrong with your implicit analysis that assumes that both people and the circumstances that shape people stay static, what is your problem?

My problem is I get tired of the bullcrap spewed here. MAriage is a choice full stop. It's not a leap of faith or whatever othe rmagical bullshit you are or someone else is trying to sell.

I think you are seeing “people change” as romantic rather than a pragmatic view of relationships. No matter when you meet someone, things will change in your lives and your relationship will change. You will become parents, life goals may change, sickness and old age may change how you interact, life presents all kinds of surprises and people do change their views over time. I don’t think anyone is saying people become entirely different but as your relationship grows you see new sides to your spouse. This is often not a bad thing and can strengthen relationships but it can also be hard. I think you are willfully misunderstanding what pps are saying.

WTF! Are you freaking dense? How many times must I type it has nothing to do with people changing that's a freaking giving. Marriage isn't a leap of faith. It's just not that idea is just freaking bullshit nonsense. Is that clear enough for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won’t give advice on dating or marriage even though I have been married two decades. It’s different for everyone, very subjective. I am unhappy right now probably because I married so young so I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s it.

My parents married young their advice to all of us was not to get married before 30. My mom's biggest regret is that she essentially went from her parents' house to being a housewife, she didn't have time to develop on her own.

Sounds like a different era. I had a graduate degree, several years of work experience and my own apartment when I married at 25.

I had all of that at 25, too, but I still am incredibly glad I waited a few more years to get married. Hopefully you weren’t the same person at 25 and 30- those five years were an incredible period of growth for me.

NP here. I was 20 and my husband 22 when we met. Married at 22 and 24.
I wasn’t the same person at 25 I was at 30, and I’m not the same in my 40s as I was at 30 or 25. Neither is my husband. We’re lucky that we’ve grown together, and have worked together to be where we are and who we are.
I’d probably a different person today had I married later in life, but I’m very happy with who I am and with who my spouse is-still.
Marriage is a leap of faith no matter how old one is when you make it.

+1

+2

Marriage isn't a leap of faith unless you are a nitwit. Which if you got married at 35 or younger you just might be.

I agree with PP's point that marriage is a leap of faith no matter what age you get married: People change. You are committing to a person that really isn't going to be the same over the decades no matter what age you start. You are committing to the unknown. People get divorced because "I changed" and if you don't go into marriage knowing you each will change, you're not getting it.

60's/ met at 18/19, married at 22/23.

It's not a leap of faith and that has nothing to do with your partner changing. But I wouldn't expect a nitwit to understand that.

I think pps are saying that people do change and this is unavoidable. In a successful marriage you work towards growing together, not apart, over the years. No matter when you marry, though, you are taking a leap of faith by hoping you and your partner are able to weather storms together and make the effort to love another complex, ever changing and growing person.

If your partner changing over the course of the relationship has “nothing to do with it” is it your opinion that there is some way you can know the person your partner will be in 20 or 40 years and what your marriage will look like? Why do you feel that at age 35+ you would have certainty around this?

The whole people change excuse is what people say for staying with an asshole. People really don't change that much. That's a fact.


Saying marriage is a leap of faith is like calling your spouse your best friend, someone you in awe of your most foundational person etc, utter BS and fairytales Grown ups who don't engage in magiacal Disney thinking do not think or speak this way.

Ah, so sounds like you've been hurt, ok. And no, after 35 years of marriage we are nowhere near disney, magical, spouse is my foundation or whole world. Marriage is very real and people absolutely do change over the course of decades. Real marriage is definitely far from a fairytale.

Not hurt just no time for Disney sentimental BS, and no people do not change that much that's science. Are you anti science too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won’t give advice on dating or marriage even though I have been married two decades. It’s different for everyone, very subjective. I am unhappy right now probably because I married so young so I wouldn’t recommend it, that’s it.

My parents married young their advice to all of us was not to get married before 30. My mom's biggest regret is that she essentially went from her parents' house to being a housewife, she didn't have time to develop on her own.

Sounds like a different era. I had a graduate degree, several years of work experience and my own apartment when I married at 25.

I had all of that at 25, too, but I still am incredibly glad I waited a few more years to get married. Hopefully you weren’t the same person at 25 and 30- those five years were an incredible period of growth for me.

NP here. I was 20 and my husband 22 when we met. Married at 22 and 24.
I wasn’t the same person at 25 I was at 30, and I’m not the same in my 40s as I was at 30 or 25. Neither is my husband. We’re lucky that we’ve grown together, and have worked together to be where we are and who we are.
I’d probably a different person today had I married later in life, but I’m very happy with who I am and with who my spouse is-still.
Marriage is a leap of faith no matter how old one is when you make it.

+1

+2

Marriage isn't a leap of faith unless you are a nitwit. Which if you got married at 35 or younger you just might be.

I agree with PP's point that marriage is a leap of faith no matter what age you get married: People change. You are committing to a person that really isn't going to be the same over the decades no matter what age you start. You are committing to the unknown. People get divorced because "I changed" and if you don't go into marriage knowing you each will change, you're not getting it.

60's/ met at 18/19, married at 22/23.

It's not a leap of faith and that has nothing to do with your partner changing. But I wouldn't expect a nitwit to understand that.

What is your problem? Putting aside everything that’s wrong with your implicit analysis that assumes that both people and the circumstances that shape people stay static, what is your problem?

My problem is I get tired of the bullcrap spewed here. MAriage is a choice full stop. It's not a leap of faith or whatever othe rmagical bullshit you are or someone else is trying to sell.

I think you are seeing “people change” as romantic rather than a pragmatic view of relationships. No matter when you meet someone, things will change in your lives and your relationship will change. You will become parents, life goals may change, sickness and old age may change how you interact, life presents all kinds of surprises and people do change their views over time. I don’t think anyone is saying people become entirely different but as your relationship grows you see new sides to your spouse. This is often not a bad thing and can strengthen relationships but it can also be hard. I think you are willfully misunderstanding what pps are saying.

WTF! Are you freaking dense? How many times must I type it has nothing to do with people changing that's a freaking giving. Marriage isn't a leap of faith. It's just not that idea is just freaking bullshit nonsense. Is that clear enough for you?

No, not really. Also, you are responding to multiple posters on this thread so it’s not one person not understanding you. I’m curious to know, in your opinion, in what scenario marriage wouldn’t be taking a leap of faith? How could one know, for sure, what their marriage will be like (good and bad) for years into the future?

[Anonymous]

People talking about taking a leap of faith in getting married mean that, while you can choose your partner wisely and work hard to maintain a healthy relationship, you can’t predict the future and, therefore, must take a leap of faith in hoping for a long and happy marriage. There is no way to completely ensure that this happens, whether you marry at 25 or 45.

This is fairly obvious.