Feeling sad that my in laws are so indifferent about my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you ever just sat down with your in-laws and express to them how important their role is, expressed very concretely what you would like them do and finally made them feel like you want them around?

Please be honest and upfront. People cannot your mind, and if their experiences growing up were different than yours OR if they've seen a bunch of comments about overbearing grandparents/in-laws, they may not know what you want.

And even if you think they do know what you want, keep expressing your wishes and give them a chance to grow into the role, even at this late date.

Don’t do this.
I did this with my MIL and she walked away with the message “you think I’m a bad grandmother” and told everyone else in the family that’s what I said. It was incredibly hurtful, especially when I was coming from such a vulnerable place, and my in law
Relationships have yet to recover.

I’m sorry, your MIL sucks. She sounds like my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you ever just sat down with your in-laws and express to them how important their role is, expressed very concretely what you would like them do and finally made them feel like you want them around?

Please be honest and upfront. People cannot your mind, and if their experiences growing up were different than yours OR if they've seen a bunch of comments about overbearing grandparents/in-laws, they may not know what you want.

And even if you think they do know what you want, keep expressing your wishes and give them a chance to grow into the role, even at this late date.

Don’t do this.
I did this with my MIL and she walked away with the message “you think I’m a bad grandmother” and told everyone else in the family that’s what I said. It was incredibly hurtful, especially when I was coming from such a vulnerable place, and my in law
Relationships have yet to recover.

I’m sorry, your MIL sucks. She sounds like my mother.

You're right, she does suck.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are in therapy, you might want to examine the language that you choose to tell yourself family narratives. "Indifferent" is a very strong word. Happiness in life comes from both understanding that we cannot control other people and in managing expectations.

It might be good for you examine your relationship with your dad, unresolved feelings and any genetic tendencies re: anxiety or depression that might be impacting how you are framing this issue. In a divorced family where your dad struggled with mental health issues your grandparents were even more important to you. But your children have a stable and healthy family unit, no? So "nice but not necessary and ILs get to set their own level of involvement.