Feeling sad that my in laws are so indifferent about my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 on I see you mentioning your grandparents, but not your parents, OP.

What’s their role? Then I’ll comment.

OP here. My parents are divorced. My Mom still works full time and has an hour commute on either end so we don't see her much on weekdays. On weekends, it's her shift to take care of my grandparents. I try to help with this as much as possible and bring my kids there. She is involved with my kids as she can be (much moreso than my in laws even with her work and family responsibilities).

My Dad tried to commit suicide when I was 18 and our relationship never recovered fully. I tend to keep him at arms length. He does enjoy being a grandpa but his love language is gifts definitely not quality time.

Sorry to hear all this OP … your poor father. Depression is an actual disease and can make normal relationships close to
Impossible.

Your mother sounds very strong and devoted but she must be tired.

Is there some way you could encourage your children to show kindness to both sets of grandparents. This way they are passive receivers of grand parental attentions but active givers.

You do sound like a very caring and devoted mother. Intergenerational dynamics are hard. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:So you know that your husband's family has a different attitude and traditions for how grandparents interact with grandchildren, and you've decided to take it personally that they don't have the one you had? Nothing about what you wrote tells me that your in-laws are "indifferent" to your kids, only that they don't want or have the kind of interaction you want. And you are making it into a personal rejection, even though it's probably just how they are and how they were raised. Stop comparing them to other people, and figure out how to work with what you've got.

This. I also couldn't help but wonder if they are moving away to get some breathing room from OP

Troll

NP…Why troll? Just because you don’t agree with them? It was a good observation.

Snarky unnecessary passive aggressive comment smells like a troll

Also one of the trolls who regularly posts unnecessary mean sh*t often starts with “This”

Disagree. This!..I have seen is used as a response to 100s of threads. I think the pp has just struck a nerve.

This. All of it. 😬

NOT THIS … sounds like the This MIl booster troll patting herself on the back.

[Anonymous]

Op you can’t control other adults lives. You just can’t and functional adults will not let you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you know that your husband's family has a different attitude and traditions for how grandparents interact with grandchildren, and you've decided to take it personally that they don't have the one you had? Nothing about what you wrote tells me that your in-laws are "indifferent" to your kids, only that they don't want or have the kind of interaction you want. And you are making it into a personal rejection, even though it's probably just how they are and how they were raised. Stop comparing them to other people, and figure out how to work with what you've got.

This. I also couldn't help but wonder if they are moving away to get some breathing room from OP

Troll

NP…Why troll? Just because you don’t agree with them? It was a good observation.

Snarky unnecessary passive aggressive comment smells like a troll

Also one of the trolls who regularly posts unnecessary mean sh*t often starts with “This”

Disagree. This!..I have seen is used as a response to 100s of threads. I think the pp has just struck a nerve.

This. All of it. 😬

NOT THIS … sounds like the This MIl booster troll patting herself on the back.

Yeah have noticed a vociferous MIL booster troll has a good vocab but terrible sense of humor. Just mean and not witty use of her vocab. Probably puts many women off living in the same city as their in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why are you comparing your in-laws to your grandparents and you don’t mention what your parents are currently doing for your kids? Are your parents currently modeling the same relationship you had with your grandparents?

I had the same question.

Answered on page 2. Basically gives her parents a pass, but her husband’s parents are somehow the worst. Go figure.

Yeah, OP doesn't complain that her parents are indifferent to her kids. She's upset that her in-laws, whose family apparently has a different view of grandparents' role, aren't like her own grandparents. But why would you expect them to be? Why is their moving 3 hours away a rejection of the grandkids, as opposed to just...moving someplace that they want to live in retirement? That's not terribly far away?

[Anonymous]

So OP’s mom abdicated most of her parenting to her own parents, but it’s the inlaws who are terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP’s mom abdicated most of her parenting to her own parents, but it’s the inlaws who are terrible.

This is not what I read. Her father’s love language is gifts not time. Her mother is busy helping her own parents in advanced old age.

She did not say her ails are terrible but that she is sad the6 are not more involved.
“Always asking if I can bring the kids by for a visit, inviting them for sunday breakfast, scheduling holidays, seeing if I can help them with anything, saying I made extra leftovers of their favorite meal can I drop it off for them etc. They just don't seem to ever reciprocate or initiate.” (OP on ILs)

Stop shaming her for having legit feelings. Part of healing and moving on is accepting uncomfortable feelings as they come up - and then finding ways to let them go.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it.

My DS was very close to his grandmother growing up, and says his best childhood memories are being with her. She took him on day trips, adventures, bought him little treasures, and he would spend the weekends at her house exploring her yard. He talked to her about everything, and as he got older, continued to visit her as she aged.

That is not the relationship that our children have with their grandparents and it's sad. To all of the posters who will claim we are in it for free childcare are feel entitled to help, you are wrong. There is something so special about a grandparent relationship, and it's unfortunate that so many posters have no idea what that is like. It sucks that our parents are not paying it forward, nor offering the interest and support that they were given when they had children. OP is allowed to be bummed about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it.

My DS was very close to his grandmother growing up, and says his best childhood memories are being with her. She took him on day trips, adventures, bought him little treasures, and he would spend the weekends at her house exploring her yard. He talked to her about everything, and as he got older, continued to visit her as she aged.

That is not the relationship that our children have with their grandparents and it's sad. To all of the posters who will claim we are in it for free childcare are feel entitled to help, you are wrong. There is something so special about a grandparent relationship, and it's unfortunate that so many posters have no idea what that is like. It sucks that our parents are not paying it forward, nor offering the interest and support that they were given when they had children. OP is allowed to be bummed about this.

**I mean DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it.

My DS was very close to his grandmother growing up, and says his best childhood memories are being with her. She took him on day trips, adventures, bought him little treasures, and he would spend the weekends at her house exploring her yard. He talked to her about everything, and as he got older, continued to visit her as she aged.

That is not the relationship that our children have with their grandparents and it's sad. To all of the posters who will claim we are in it for free childcare are feel entitled to help, you are wrong. There is something so special about a grandparent relationship, and it's unfortunate that so many posters have no idea what that is like. It sucks that our parents are not paying it forward, nor offering the interest and support that they were given when they had children. OP is allowed to be bummed about this.

**I mean DH

I hope, that as an adult, you can see that your grandparents played a more amplified role in your life BECAUSE your own parents were struggling. As a child, you would not have realized what was happening - hence all the “magical memories.”
Frequently, grandparents have to play a more important role in grandchildre’s lives because of some sort of dysfunction at the parent level. As an adult, I see this all the time, but luckily, children rarely ever do.

[Anonymous]

OP - have you ever just sat down with your in-laws and express to them how important their role is, expressed very concretely what you would like them do and finally made them feel like you want them around?

Please be honest and upfront. People cannot your mind, and if their experiences growing up were different than yours OR if they've seen a bunch of comments about overbearing grandparents/in-laws, they may not know what you want.

And even if you think they do know what you want, keep expressing your wishes and give them a chance to grow into the role, even at this late date.

[Anonymous]

My in laws are not interested in being grandparents. They send cards/presents for birthdays and Christmas. Visit once in a blue moon. Like us to visit once or twice a year, but don’t take off work and ask us to hire babysitters so the adults can go out. I wish they wanted to be grandparents- but they don’t. It still hurts sometimes but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

When parents are too busy, stressed, or otherwise unable to be good parents (addiction, divorce, sickness, etc.) - kids have stronger relationships with the functional family members who fill the parental role.

I’m not thrilled with the lack of participation of either my family or my husband’s family with our kids, but I’m also happy that we are happy and functional independent of them.

We can stop romanticizing the “involved” grandparent when their involvement is solely because the parents are dysfunctional. Those nanas and pop pops would be in Florida too, if their kids could just get their sh$$ together!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you ever just sat down with your in-laws and express to them how important their role is, expressed very concretely what you would like them do and finally made them feel like you want them around?

Please be honest and upfront. People cannot your mind, and if their experiences growing up were different than yours OR if they've seen a bunch of comments about overbearing grandparents/in-laws, they may not know what you want.

And even if you think they do know what you want, keep expressing your wishes and give them a chance to grow into the role, even at this late date.

Don’t do this.
I did this with my MIL and she walked away with the message “you think I’m a bad grandmother” and told everyone else in the family that’s what I said. It was incredibly hurtful, especially when I was coming from such a vulnerable place, and my in law
Relationships have yet to recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it. Seriously. They are your kids. You decided to have them. Grandparents are not obligated to be built in babysitters. They don’t have to keep living near you. You don’t own them just because they raised your husband.

Ignore this poster op. Typical miserable internet dwelling dysfunctional keyboard warrior response. Hope you feel better about yourself soon pp.

I get it. I don't know if a lot of people had the great experience you did with your grandparents - I wish we all could. Your grandparents are wonderful and I'm glad to know they are still around making the world a better place. You feelings are valid. It is sad when your family are disinterested in your lives. Your ils sound kind of awful. It has to hurt that they ignore the love you are sending especially if it comes from your kids. I'm sorry your family is dealing with this but as everyone has said, you can't change them. Your kids get the gift of love your grandparents gave you.

I don’t think ops in-laws sound bad. They just seem to have their own lives and interests that they can now pursue since they are probably retired. Life is a finite amount of time for everyone. Her in-laws sound healthy and not enmeshed.

I don't agree. The in-laws don't care about their family. Are you really trying to say that if people DO care, they are enmeshed? These gps just do.not.care. They are not lovely people.