Feeling sad that my in laws are so indifferent about my kids

[Anonymous]

Let me preface this by saying that I KNOW DH and I grew up having very different relationships with our grandparents. In Dh's family, he saw his grandparents on holidays, bday cards in the mail, and maybe went bowling or fishing with them 3x per year even though they lived 15 mins away. In my family, my grandparents (I only have 1 set, my dad is an orphan) watched me full time until I went to Kindergarten. We talked on the phone several times per week. I would call and tell them all about school or what was going on in my life. I could sleep over there whenever I wanted and we would bake cookies, garden, play board games, learn family recipes, craft and sew. They would come to my sporting events, pop by for random dinners, etc. When I went to college, my grandma would mail homemade cookies by the DOZENS for me to share with everyone on my dorm floor. My grandpa would sneak a $20 into the box with a funny little hand drawn cartoon note saying "for the suds (after studying!!!)". They are still 88 and 90yo and I bring my kids to visit them at least every other weekend and call them 3x a week. Just so many wonderful memories full of love.

My in laws live 10 mins from us and are retired. I facilitate their relationship with our kids almost 100%. Always asking if I can bring the kids by for a visit, inviting them for sunday breakfast, scheduling holidays, seeing if I can help them with anything, saying I made extra leftovers of their favorite meal can I drop it off for them etc. They just don't seem to ever reciprocate or initiate. Now they told us they are going to sell their house and move to a town 3.5 hours away. I guess it just makes me sad because I want my kids' grandparents to want to spend time with them. I was hoping it would get better as my kids get older and really develop interests but now I have to accept that's just not going to happen. It makes me sad.

I do love my in laws dearly and know they love me too. DH and I have been together since we were 18 (20 years).

[Anonymous]

Get over it. Seriously. They are your kids. You decided to have them. Grandparents are not obligated to be built in babysitters. They don’t have to keep living near you. You don’t own them just because they raised your husband.

[Anonymous]

Drop your expectations about how they “should” be. It’s that simple.

[Anonymous]

OP, many families stick with the paradigm then know. In your DH's case, it is one of minimal interaction. It's the same with my parents, and both sets of my grandparents. For whatever reason, they weren't really that interested in being parents or grandparents. But they were perfectly fine parents, just not particularly excited to be around any kids, even their own. As they aged, none of the got/have gotten better.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you and your dh had unusually close relationships with your grandparents. One set of mine was dead, the other set elderly and somewhat dsyfunctional. My cousins spent a huge amount of time with them because their parents also weren't functional.

It's too bad the grandparents aren't following their parents leas, but there is nothing you can do. There are plenty of people out there without grandkids who would be willing to fill in if you trusted them to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you and your dh had unusually close relationships with your grandparents. One set of mine was dead, the other set elderly and somewhat dsyfunctional. My cousins spent a huge amount of time with them because their parents also weren't functional.

It's too bad the grandparents aren't following their parents leas, but there is nothing you can do. There are plenty of people out there without grandkids who would be willing to fill in if you trusted them to do so.

What she described is not UNUSUALLY close. Maybe it is for you.
That does not mean her in-laws will change but it does not make it unusual.

[Anonymous]

It makes you “sad?” Stop the drama. I think what’s really underneath this your judgment for how your husband’s parents have chosen to live their lives. They’re not enmeshed with your life, and you judge them for that. Posting here is about validating that judgment.

Your kids are fine. They have family and friends who love them. I assume they are healthy. You seem to think that if kids don’t have this way of interacting with grandparents that meets your expectations, something is wrong. You’re cloaking this judgment in sadness over what you perceive others are missing. There are other ways your kids will have great experiences and make wonderful memories. Stop thinking that your experiences are the only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying that I KNOW DH and I grew up having very different relationships with our grandparents. In Dh's family, he saw his grandparents on holidays, bday cards in the mail, and maybe went bowling or fishing with them 3x per year even though they lived 15 mins away. In my family, my grandparents (I only have 1 set, my dad is an orphan) watched me full time until I went to Kindergarten. We talked on the phone several times per week. I would call and tell them all about school or what was going on in my life. I could sleep over there whenever I wanted and we would bake cookies, garden, play board games, learn family recipes, craft and sew. They would come to my sporting events, pop by for random dinners, etc. When I went to college, my grandma would mail homemade cookies by the DOZENS for me to share with everyone on my dorm floor. My grandpa would sneak a $20 into the box with a funny little hand drawn cartoon note saying "for the suds (after studying!!!)". They are still 88 and 90yo and I bring my kids to visit them at least every other weekend and call them 3x a week. Just so many wonderful memories full of love.

My in laws live 10 mins from us and are retired. I facilitate their relationship with our kids almost 100%. Always asking if I can bring the kids by for a visit, inviting them for sunday breakfast, scheduling holidays, seeing if I can help them with anything, saying I made extra leftovers of their favorite meal can I drop it off for them etc. They just don't seem to ever reciprocate or initiate. Now they told us they are going to sell their house and move to a town 3.5 hours away. I guess it just makes me sad because I want my kids' grandparents to want to spend time with them. I was hoping it would get better as my kids get older and really develop interests but now I have to accept that's just not going to happen. It makes me sad.

I do love my in laws dearly and know they love me too. DH and I have been together since we were 18 (20 years).

OP you sound like an amazing mother with amazing parents. Even your ILs don’t sound too bad even though less involved.

I think my standards are way lower than yours but your children sound incredibly blessed to me. Good job being such a great mother and maintaining whatever connections are possible with both sides of family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you and your dh had unusually close relationships with your grandparents. One set of mine was dead, the other set elderly and somewhat dsyfunctional. My cousins spent a huge amount of time with them because their parents also weren't functional.

It's too bad the grandparents aren't following their parents leas, but there is nothing you can do. There are plenty of people out there without grandkids who would be willing to fill in if you trusted them to do so.

What she described is not UNUSUALLY close. Maybe it is for you.
That does not mean her in-laws will change but it does not make it unusual.

What OP described with her own grandparents is absolutely unusually close.

OP your expectations are unreasonable. You're chasing a fantasy. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you comparing your in-laws to your grandparents and you don’t mention what your parents are currently doing for your kids? Are your parents currently modeling the same relationship you had with your grandparents?

[Anonymous]

OP, of course you’re allowed to feel sad your kids’ grandparents are moving away. I’m amazed you’ve been able and willing to keep this one-sided relationship going for so long. They clearly don’t appreciate it. I think you’ve known for a while this is how they are. Their decision to move away is just confirmation of what you’ve known all along. You’re mourning the loss of a relationship that never was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you and your dh had unusually close relationships with your grandparents. One set of mine was dead, the other set elderly and somewhat dsyfunctional. My cousins spent a huge amount of time with them because their parents also weren't functional.

It's too bad the grandparents aren't following their parents leas, but there is nothing you can do. There are plenty of people out there without grandkids who would be willing to fill in if you trusted them to do so.

What she described is not UNUSUALLY close. Maybe it is for you.
That does not mean her in-laws will change but it does not make it unusual.

What OP described with her own grandparents is absolutely unusually close.

OP your expectations are unreasonable. You're chasing a fantasy. Let it go.

Lots of grandparents are like that. I feel bad that her in laws are not , but what she described is NOT unusual.

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws appear to have their own lives and it happens to be one that does not revolve around their grandkids. How do they interact when they see your children?

[Anonymous]

Both of those sound like extremes to me - I would be really annoyed if my in-laws or parents wanted to have the relationship with my children that you had with your grandparents. That sounds incredibly smothering.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It is hurtful. I was very close with my grandmothers and disappointed that my mom and MIL are disinterested in my kids - and my kids are old enough that I am not looking for a babysitter (just to push back against the inevitable criticism that these threads seem to produce). It sucks. I expected better but probably shouldn’t have. They are Boomers, after all.