How do professional women who work long hours deal with judgement from family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider telling your mother less about your professional and personal life. When she calls, just talk about the weather.

This is what I have to do with my mom OP. I keep it light and change the topic a lot. When she gets nasty I make an excuse to end call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For op and others who are saying they could not visit due to the quarantine rules, I would be shocked if FMLA did not apply to you. You could or could have taken unpaid leave and gone to see your parents.

My sibling is a doctor who claims he can’t visit my disabled parents for the same reason. I do all the work, at the expense of my career. It’s bullshit. He could take fmla and come see the, and help share the load. And yes he can afford it. He has a beach house and a country club membership that he could sell if he can’t.

It’s all about priorities.

To the poster above, no need to dump on OP. You chose to take care your disabled parents, he does not. I say this as someone who played the martyr too long an became burned out. Hire people or do residential and then visit a lot.You have options. Your resentment of your brother for making different choices is just going to fester and make you more miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, but in the end, the purpose of life for most people isn't their job or their professional relationships. It's their family and their friends, the human relationships that we owe each other.

I don't want you to look back on your life five or ten years from now and think, I owed something more to my family than I gave them. Or, I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't help my friend when they needed it.

Your mother doesn't sound like a very generous person and her comments need to be read under that lens. At the same time, she may be commenting in part out of fear -- what if I get sick but I am not important enough to my daughter for her to visit me as I am dying? She may be reacting in part out of fear and other negative emotions.

At the same time, I understand that you are working long hours in the medical profession trying to help people, and I'm torn by your choices here too.

You are gaslighting. This whole trope of how family is everything only applies to healthy families you treat you with dignity, love and respect, not people who treat you with contempt and cruelty. In the end, OP is making a valuable contribution to society and that is worthy of enormous respect. You know what I regret? I gave so much of my time to my aging narcissist parents at the expense of my career, husband and kids. In the end it was an unappreciated waste of time for selfish people.

[Anonymous]

Holy moly, I'm a physician too with a spouse who works from home. NO ONE in my family has judged, especially considering how hellacious COVID has been for everyone in health care this past 18 months. Agree going part time is such a scam because they'll end up keeping you at work full time anyways and pay you less!!!

I'd put up some serious boundaries with your mom, choose how much you want to talk to her, and hang up if she's rude. Also, don't feel bad about outsourcing everything possible so you can actually relax and enjoy your family and free time when you're off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am on inpatient service this week (so very busy… what else is new) but have been periodically checking on the thread - it’s an excellent activity while waiting for the elevator!

Thank you all so, so much for weighing in - I appreciate everyone’s perspectives (including those of SAHM and doctors spouses!) and thoughtful commentary. I guess my best bet is to try just to let it go and try not to discuss too much about my life with my mom - just stick to the weather. People had some good thoughts about why she’d be so nasty (getting old & losing the filter between her brain and her mouth, worried that I won’t take care of her when she is old, etc), which was helpful.

Also, I feel less alone - though I’m sorry that others have to deal with this crap, too. Usually I can take it in stride, but when stressors pile up, the judgmental maternal commentary puts me over the edge.

You are all the best! Thank you!
(Also, thank you for the positive words about my parental abilities, but I am not a great mom… I’m an OK mom. I get the job done, but often not in style. For instance, my kids are on their way to using the same Halloween costumes for the 4th year in a row - but they are old enough to figure something out if they wanted, so I am going to let that one go, too!)

Here is the thing, being an “ok” mom is just fine and can also be amazing. I work a ton and don’t give a crap about a lot of kid things. I consider my parenting style more “paternal” than “maternal.” My kid knows I’m not like many other moms, but she still thinks I’m awesome. My kid was in an activity that included vests where you were supposed to see badges on. I sewed them on in the wrong place. We were driving to the event and she was like “umm, these are in the wrong place.” I tell her no one will care. And she was like “mommy, other moms do care about this, but you are not like them.” It made me laugh that she had me figured out so well at age 7. I don’t do the Pinterest crap, etc. But I deeply engage when I can on things we both love. And she is learning not to care what other people think, which is a good life lesson that many women could use more of. She is proud of me and feels very loved. That is what matters. I’m sure there will be a teen phase where she hates me, but I fully believe that as an adult, she will love me and believe I did a great job with my “ok” parenting.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m assuming you work for the Johns Hopkins Medicine (Sibley?) etc., or some other big hospital system where they are doing the outrageous thing of cutting doctors salary, jacking up prices and paying themselves $2-3+ million dollars for all thier non work. Outrageous.