How do professional women who work long hours deal with judgement from family?

[Anonymous]

Ghost your mom for a while. She was completely out of line.

Thank you for all you are doing for society right now. Dictors, nurses and other hospital workers are heroes and so under appreciated now. If not for you, double the people would have died in the last year.

As your kids get older and mature, they will come to respect and appreciate how smart and talented and impressive you are. My late teen kids are just staring to appreciate my work(different field).

And the old dog? Anyone else in your family with more time than you could have tended to that situation. Our kids and husbands have to get used to Mim not solving every single problem in the family.

Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

And remind yourself, any woman can be a SAHM, but only a few mega talented, intelligent, resourceful, amazing women (and men) are gifted enough to be a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never known a physician dad to face judgement like this. It is ridiculous. They get praised for, like, walking into the hospital with their shoes tied and changing a diaper once later in the day.

Yep. But physician dad should also face pressure to not work 60 hour weeks. The system needs to change and the docs are the victims usually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never known a physician dad to face judgement like this. It is ridiculous. They get praised for, like, walking into the hospital with their shoes tied and changing a diaper once later in the day.

This. Also, OP, I assume that your mom also criticizes soldiers who leave their families for months on end. / S

She is being very cruel. She is being sexist and nasty. Your kids are eventually going to be so proud of you and how you persevered during the most stressful medical emergency in our (and our parents’) lifetime.

Do you have a therapist you can vent to and work to find ways to ignore your mom’s toxic comments and not let them get to you like they are now?

Hugs. You sound like a great mom and doctor.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the haters. ALSO If your husband has an issue with your work hours, is he prepared to work more or change jobs so he can earn more to make up the budget shortfall since you are the primary earner? If not, he can STFU too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never known a physician dad to face judgement like this. It is ridiculous. They get praised for, like, walking into the hospital with their shoes tied and changing a diaper once later in the day.

This. Also, OP, I assume that your mom also criticizes soldiers who leave their families for months on end. / S

She is being very cruel. She is being sexist and nasty. Your kids are eventually going to be so proud of you and how you persevered during the most stressful medical emergency in our (and our parents’) lifetime.

Do you have a therapist you can vent to and work to find ways to ignore your mom’s toxic comments and not let them get to you like they are now?

Hugs. You sound like a great mom and doctor.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op my mom is a medical researcher. When I was 13 my mom came hoke from work one day and said she was quitting to stay home and bake cookies. I didn’t understand then but I do see now as a working mom myself that something must have happened to make her feel bad about her choices. But while I didn’t understand the why i did know that this wasn’t right for my mom - she loves and is great at what she does and her work is important. I told her she didn’t need to do that and she was a great mom and I would love her always. I meant all of it. You sound like a great mom too. Don’t let your mom’s petty nastiness get to you.

Talk with your kids and your family. Try to be present when you are home and then do what you are called to at work. And of course NO ONE made your dog die. You know that better than anyone as a physician. Everyone and every pet dies and it sounds like, sadly, your pet’s time had come. I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one can do it all. You need to outsource as much as you can and also simplify your life. No pets. No plants. If your family wants these things then they are responsible, not you.

Every one wants a full time SAHM who is also a full time WOHM.

Yep on DCUM the only way you “win” is if you have a socially valuable job that lets you wfh and have 30 flex hours a week but with 250k plus salary and benefits and pension just in case your husband leaves you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you’re spot on with the class thing. I’m from a LMC family and they would never pressure me to quit my job. My husband is from a UC family and they’re completely baffled that I won’t quit and be a SAHM.

Yep, and my sister is a MD/PhD. She is quite successful in what she does and well known and may well discover a cure for a very deadly disease she works on. My dad is from a UC, traditional family and told her she would be a bad parent and she was too into her job.

My mom, luckily encouraged her because she regrets giving up her career to marry my dad.

[Anonymous]

For op and others who are saying they could not visit due to the quarantine rules, I would be shocked if FMLA did not apply to you. You could or could have taken unpaid leave and gone to see your parents.

My sibling is a doctor who claims he can’t visit my disabled parents for the same reason. I do all the work, at the expense of my career. It’s bullshit. He could take fmla and come see the, and help share the load. And yes he can afford it. He has a beach house and a country club membership that he could sell if he can’t.

It’s all about priorities.

[Anonymous]

Both my son and DIL are physicians, neither in high paying practices. They both work long hours and they have young children. There lives are very challenging but I simply keep my mouth shut and offer to help when I can. I worked for many years and had long hours and I'm glad my mother and MIL never gave me any grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ignore your mom.

This. Tell your mother to MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all for your comments (and for reading my vent).

Sometimes I think it’s a socioeconomic thing, too. My colleagues who worked their way up from less money have parents who are so so proud that they are doctors. Therefore, their parents don’t mess with them. Other female colleagues have mothers who had demanding jobs, and are understanding. I’m in a weird netherworld where we were UMC and my mom was a SAHM. My becoming a doctor was no big deal - a few of my moms’s friends sons are doctors - but my mom doesn’t have any professional experience and will say things like “you should just refuse to go to work! Tell them you have to some time with your family!” And two of her friends sent me mail (on notecards decorated with flowers) telling me I should quit my job “temporarily” in the middle of covid to take care of my dad. I’ll tell you this much, I’m sure none of their sons would ever EVER get a note like that.

Covid times have been awful for everyone, though. So I try to be understanding. But the dog comment made me lose it.

Maybe but not always. I’m second generation from an immigrant family and hear it just as much. DH and I both have demanding jobs working outside the home for long hours. We have successful careers but I get the lecture and attempt at guilt constantly. I don’t feed my kids real food, I’m not taking caring of my family, I don’t take care of my husband, we don’t have a real marriage, we don’t have dinners together and family time, we don’t belong to a church so this will hurt my kids future since they won’t have values…. There’s a lot worse that’s said.

It’s okay to take conscious breaks from family. I’ve said “I’m hanging up the phone now. I can’t talk to you right now.” And taken breaks for long periods of time. Give yourself permission when you need to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For op and others who are saying they could not visit due to the quarantine rules, I would be shocked if FMLA did not apply to you. You could or could have taken unpaid leave and gone to see your parents.

My sibling is a doctor who claims he can’t visit my disabled parents for the same reason. I do all the work, at the expense of my career. It’s bullshit. He could take fmla and come see the, and help share the load. And yes he can afford it. He has a beach house and a country club membership that he could sell if he can’t.

It’s all about priorities.

Way to pile guilt onto the OP. You’re projecting your own resentment toward your brother onto the OP. Physician here. There was an actual moratorium on time off at my hospital during the height of the pandemic. I had to beg for a day off for a medical appointment. The only way to take time off for us was to end up in quarantine ourselves. Yes, you can technically take FMLA but then you’re leaving your colleagues in a bind, who are already spread so thin and stressed/burned out.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM and married to a surgeon. My dad is dying and I have visited him many times during Covid. They are driving distance though.

My husband would take time off if his mom was dying. He has had colleagues take time off for a dying spouse or parent.

My friend’s friend had a parent die during Covid (also from cancer). She is not a physician but also the breadwinner and had a baby. She did not fly to see her dying father and her entire family made her feel horrible about it except the dying parent. She did fly for the funeral during peak of covid.

It is heartbreaking to lose a loved one. Covid made it so much more difficult. Think of all who couldn’t have visitors and died alone in the hospital.

DH’s hospital did not allow visitors. I could not visit my father in the hospital or at rehab. I could only see him when he came home.