How do professional women who work long hours deal with judgement from family?

[Anonymous]

I am a physician. Covid has been a mess. It was such a stressful tune and then I was unable to visit my dying father much last year because of travel bans in place on hospital staff - I would face had to quarantine 7 days before seeing my dad, then quarantine 7 days after I got back. And I have 4 weeks of vacation per year with 2 school age kids.

Now we have a massive bump in patients and a lot of our staff has quit and I am working 60 hour weeks. I am the primary earner, but my husband WFH, so he (thankfully!) takes care of a lot at home. Not much of a point in looking for a better job; my colleagues everywhere tell the same story: more patients, fewer doctors and ancillary staff, and no bonuses/COL increases “because of covid”. A few of my friends have gone part time, but say it’s a farce - you basically work full time for half the pay and no benefits.

My mother is simply furious at me. Last week - the day our dog died - she accused me of being partly the reason for my -very old -dog’s death because I was not “attuned to his needs” because of my work schedule. It was particularly awful because I love our dog so so much. She then told me that my husband and children were going to die early deaths and end up in therapy because I neglect them, too. I told her that I couldn’t continue this discussion and hung up. We haven’t spoken since.

Irritatingly, my mother is the first to report doctors to hospital management if she doesn’t get a call back fast enough. I’ve pointed out that her expectations of her doctors are part of the reason we have to work so hard, but she dismisses this.

TL;DR: Don’t go into medicine if you are a woman. You will work long, stressful hours for a moderately high salary, and your family will hate you.

[Anonymous]

You need to ignore your mom.

[Anonymous]

Blame supplemental unemployment. It encouraged lots of people to leave the workforce, many of whom will never return. Dumb policy.

[Anonymous]

Op, is your mom the only one giving you a hard time? If so, I think its displaced anger/grief over your dad. I am also in medicine, on a Covid ward for most of the past 18 months. While you and I understand the difficulty with traveling during the height of it, your mom may have seen it as a "i dont want to use my time off" thing. I couldnt visit my parents because of the risk of giving them Covid, and I definitely got anger from my mom because she was taking care of my dad with fairly advanced Parkinson.

What your mom is saying to you isn't right or ok. But maybe she's not trying to be as cruel as she is. Has she done grief counseling?

[Anonymous]

Your mother is toxic. The comment about your dog was uncalled for and meanspirited. You know that so act accordingly - limit your exposure to her negativity. You have the most important job - you help people and probably save their lives on occasion.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds mean. That comment about your kids dying early is really bad. But it also doesn’t sound like your problem is all with her. The title is about your mom but half your post is about how actually miserable your job is.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, stop talking to your mom and limit calls to very brief interludes. I’m a mother that works a ton and no one on either side of my family had ever expressed any judgment. If they did, I would roll my eyes. If they said what your mom said, they wouldn’t see me very often.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, that sounds tough. I think your mom may be her own particular problem, but I also have to deal with the general attitude that my family/kids will be neglected because I work, even if DH or nanny or various other supports are there for care. You know, things that they would never think about a man. Underlying all that is the attitude that a woman must be first devoted to her family, and her work must always come second. And that a capable father still cannot do what a mother does, because of some mystical quality that only a mother has. It's infuriating but I know I won't change their attitudes (mostly the older generation in my family) so I just ignore.

[Anonymous]

You have a crappy mom, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ignore your mom.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, is your mom the only one giving you a hard time? If so, I think its displaced anger/grief over your dad. I am also in medicine, on a Covid ward for most of the past 18 months. While you and I understand the difficulty with traveling during the height of it, your mom may have seen it as a "i dont want to use my time off" thing. I couldnt visit my parents because of the risk of giving them Covid, and I definitely got anger from my mom because she was taking care of my dad with fairly advanced Parkinson.

What your mom is saying to you isn't right or ok. But maybe she's not trying to be as cruel as she is. Has she done grief counseling?

Thank you for your thoughtful response.
I am not on a covid ward; I can’t imagine the stress of that. Those were such strange, strange days starting in in March 2020. I remember walking around a huge empty hospital - nothing to do, just a sense of impending doom.

My sister has been giving me grief, but she is in healthcare too (nurse) and thus also couldn’t visit often either. She had an eating disorder/depression in college & my parents have always been careful her since they fear she will backslide if they are anything but 100% supportive.
My cousin also gave me flak - but she lives overseas (USAID).
My husband and kids aren’t thrilled either, though they haven’t accused me of (indirectly) causing our dog to die. My kids do say they will never go into medicine, so perhaps one positive thing has come out of it?

It might be delayed grief, but my mom can just be harsh. I coauthored a textbook that is widely used in my field, and my mother asked “why would you waste your time on that? What a weird topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician. Covid has been a mess. It was such a stressful tune and then I was unable to visit my dying father much last year because of travel bans in place on hospital staff - I would face had to quarantine 7 days before seeing my dad, then quarantine 7 days after I got back. And I have 4 weeks of vacation per year with 2 school age kids.

Now we have a massive bump in patients and a lot of our staff has quit and I am working 60 hour weeks. I am the primary earner, but my husband WFH, so he (thankfully!) takes care of a lot at home. Not much of a point in looking for a better job; my colleagues everywhere tell the same story: more patients, fewer doctors and ancillary staff, and no bonuses/COL increases “because of covid”. A few of my friends have gone part time, but say it’s a farce - you basically work full time for half the pay and no benefits.

My mother is simply furious at me. Last week - the day our dog died - she accused me of being partly the reason for my -very old -dog’s death because I was not “attuned to his needs” because of my work schedule. It was particularly awful because I love our dog so so much. She then told me that my husband and children were going to die early deaths and end up in therapy because I neglect them, too. I told her that I couldn’t continue this discussion and hung up. We haven’t spoken since.

Irritatingly, my mother is the first to report doctors to hospital management if she doesn’t get a call back fast enough. I’ve pointed out that her expectations of her doctors are part of the reason we have to work so hard, but she dismisses this.

TL;DR: Don’t go into medicine if you are a woman. You will work long, stressful hours for a moderately high salary, and your family will hate you.

Your mom was way out of line, completely wrong, mean spirited and you deserve much much better. I am grateful to you and all the doctors, nurses, PAs, phlebologists.... who have been putting in extra time through the pandemic. You are part of what is holding our society together. I am sorry your dog died during this time to add more stress and pain. I am glad you have a supportive DH and you have been able to make it work so far. I am hopeful that you are close to the end of this and some sense or normalcy can return. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too.

[Anonymous]

Your family sucks OP. We have physician in our family and I would never dare to say any of this to her. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

My family is either supportive or quiet. Obviously your mom is insane. Tell your extended family less.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all you do. You worked hard for your degree and don’t forget that you are providing an excellent example for your kids. A hard working, intelligent mom is an incredible gift to be able to provide to your kids. I’m sorry it’s been so hard for so long. Hopefully we are at the end of it. Your mom’s comments don’t define you, they define her.