How do professional women who work long hours deal with judgement from family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all for your comments (and for reading my vent).

Sometimes I think it’s a socioeconomic thing, too. My colleagues who worked their way up from less money have parents who are so so proud that they are doctors. Therefore, their parents don’t mess with them. Other female colleagues have mothers who had demanding jobs, and are understanding. I’m in a weird netherworld where we were UMC and my mom was a SAHM. My becoming a doctor was no big deal - a few of my moms’s friends sons are doctors - but my mom doesn’t have any professional experience and will say things like “you should just refuse to go to work! Tell them you have to some time with your family!” And two of her friends sent me mail (on notecards decorated with flowers) telling me I should quit my job “temporarily” in the middle of covid to take care of my dad. I’ll tell you this much, I’m sure none of their sons would ever EVER get a note like that.

Covid times have been awful for everyone, though. So I try to be understanding. But the dog comment made me lose it.

I'm sorry, OP. I recognize this kind of behavior and IME, these kind of people will never be satisfied. Like my MIL. She looks down on women who SAH as lazy, but she complains that people don't drop everything from their busy jobs when she needs them. She's always reading about awards in the paper and asking her kids "why don't you have XYZ award" or "why don't you have this professional accolade that my friend's son has?", but then she's simultaneously complaining that they work too hard and need to spend more time with their family. So, we're supposed to both work hard and have professional success that she can brag about, but yet have jobs with unlimited flexibility that we can just decide not to do whenever we feel like it? Got it.

What the what what what???

[Anonymous]

My husband and kids aren’t thrilled either, though they haven’t accused me of (indirectly) causing our dog to die. My kids do say they will never go into medicine, so perhaps one positive thing has come out of it?

This would concern me. Who cares what your mom and her friends and your cousin say. But these are the people who are directly affected. I think you should sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your DH about your family’s lifestyle. Like, maybe he ramps up and you ramp down a bit (not necessarily PT, but something easier). Or maybe you do go PT (my sister is a PT doctor, and while she does complain about the longer-than-expected hours, she throughly relishes her 2 weekdays off because she has an SN child). Or maybe you hire more help around the house to lighten everyone’s load. Or maybe everything is 100% fine and you don’t need to make any changes whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, is your mom the only one giving you a hard time? If so, I think its displaced anger/grief over your dad. I am also in medicine, on a Covid ward for most of the past 18 months. While you and I understand the difficulty with traveling during the height of it, your mom may have seen it as a "i dont want to use my time off" thing. I couldnt visit my parents because of the risk of giving them Covid, and I definitely got anger from my mom because she was taking care of my dad with fairly advanced Parkinson.

What your mom is saying to you isn't right or ok. But maybe she's not trying to be as cruel as she is. Has she done grief counseling?

Thank you for your thoughtful response.
I am not on a covid ward; I can’t imagine the stress of that. Those were such strange, strange days starting in in March 2020. I remember walking around a huge empty hospital - nothing to do, just a sense of impending doom.

My sister has been giving me grief, but she is in healthcare too (nurse) and thus also couldn’t visit often either. She had an eating disorder/depression in college & my parents have always been careful her since they fear she will backslide if they are anything but 100% supportive.
My cousin also gave me flak - but she lives overseas (USAID).
My husband and kids aren’t thrilled either, though they haven’t accused me of (indirectly) causing our dog to die. My kids do say they will never go into medicine, so perhaps one positive thing has come out of it?

It might be delayed grief, but my mom can just be harsh. I coauthored a textbook that is widely used in my field, and my mother asked “why would you waste your time on that? What a weird topic.

Both of these. As we get older we just get to be more of who we really are. Her "always being harsh" on top of the grief is coming out.

I was SAHM for many years. I 1000% respect working moms and especially those in health care right now. No judgement from me and I thank you for your commitment to your career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blame supplemental unemployment. It encouraged lots of people to leave the workforce, many of whom will never return. Dumb policy.

Not even close to being true and absolutely no help to OP.

[Anonymous]

For ideas specific to physician moms check out Re-Mind Yourself podcast by Dr Michelle Chestovich MD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“In a sick and twisted way, she probably blames you for your father’s death, as in you as a doctor couldn’t help prevent his death or alleviate his suffering. She probably put her friends up to sending in the notes to you.”

OP here. I think you are correct on both counts. I am in a subtype of oncology and my mother keeps asking what good it is that I am a cancer doctor at a big research institution if my dad died of cancer. And she knew about the notes - she texted me before I even got them that she did NOT agree with notes that were being sent to me by her friends. But my husband commented at the time that she “doth protest too much.”

Ever since I was little, I have always done my own thing and bern very good at tuning out my mom, but the stress has been overwhelming and it just piles up with no sign of letting up. I can’t believe I hung up on my mom, but I am at the end of my rope. Seems like this problem is specific to my family though, and not commonly seen. Which is a good thing for society!

I miss our dog. He just loved me when I was home, and never gave me crap about my schedule.

Thank you all again.

OP, I just want to hug you. You need some love. Do you have a friend that you could talk with? A mentor?

Your mom is exceptionally cruel, disturbingly so. With respect to your kids and DH, I wonder what nastiness your mom is feeding them or has fed them in the past. Their reaction seems like an echo of your mom, moderated because I suspect they know it's not okay.

[Anonymous]

Men should catch this flak too. I mean, not really, because it seems like you don't want it to be this way, but I don't think it's a sustainable choice. Can your DH step back? Thanks for what you do for people, but oxygen mask and all that...

[Anonymous]

Rude people are not given our time, not more than they deserve. Family is the same.

[Anonymous]

Sigh! Everybody has problems. SAHMs, WOHMs, people with mothers, people without mothers, married women, unmarried women, people with pets, people without pets. Buddha was right. Life is full of sorrows!

[Anonymous]

OP your kids are going to be proud to have a mom like you who did such important work during the most stressful medical event of our lives.

Your mom is probably just anxious and maybe even worried about you and it's coming out wrong. Or, she has a history of judgment and not being supportive.

But, you have to believe in what you are doing and have your own back. You do not need to have balance, it never works that way. Your husband is at home, and it sounds like you have a mutual arrangement, so the dog did not die because of you.

Next time please tell your mom how hurtful her comments are, or be curious and ask why she would say something that was coming across as judgmental. Take good care of yourself, first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For ideas specific to physician moms check out Re-Mind Yourself podcast by Dr Michelle Chestovich MD

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

OP I think you’re spot on with the class thing. I’m from a LMC family and they would never pressure me to quit my job. My husband is from a UC family and they’re completely baffled that I won’t quit and be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all for your comments (and for reading my vent).

Sometimes I think it’s a socioeconomic thing, too. My colleagues who worked their way up from less money have parents who are so so proud that they are doctors. Therefore, their parents don’t mess with them. Other female colleagues have mothers who had demanding jobs, and are understanding. I’m in a weird netherworld where we were UMC and my mom was a SAHM. My becoming a doctor was no big deal - a few of my moms’s friends sons are doctors - but my mom doesn’t have any professional experience and will say things like “you should just refuse to go to work! Tell them you have to some time with your family!” And two of her friends sent me mail (on notecards decorated with flowers) telling me I should quit my job “temporarily” in the middle of covid to take care of my dad. I’ll tell you this much, I’m sure none of their sons would ever EVER get a note like that.

Covid times have been awful for everyone, though. So I try to be understanding. But the dog comment made me lose it.

Fellow physician mom here. OP, you can’t win. If you lean out, you get blamed for being a crappy doctor. If you lean in, you’re a crappy mom. In reading your first post, I had a sense your mother was a SAHM and has no idea of the responsibilities you carry. Focus on your immediate family and demote your mother’s significance in your life. Agree with others, she sounds toxic. In a sick and twisted way, she probably blames you for your father’s death, as in you as a doctor couldn’t help prevent his death or alleviate his suffering. She probably put her friends up to sending in the notes to you.

Another physician mom here who grew up UMC with a physician father who also seems clueless (oddly) about why I have to go into the hospital. He repeatedly states that I shouldn’t go in during covid, don’t take call during covid, as if all these things are a choice. I also feel constantly judged by my work hours and incredible guilt from my family and DHs family. I have gotten used to just ignoring and persevering and I also am hopeful my kids don’t follow my footsteps. I’m grateful for all that I’ve learned, but not sure of constant stress is worth it. I wish for you to find peace in the face of unending judgement, and the knowledge that you could not have changed your puppy’s trajectory significantly. Sounds like your husband and kids are generally supportive. Hopefully you can find some peace in that?

[Anonymous]

I have never known a physician dad to face judgement like this. It is ridiculous. They get praised for, like, walking into the hospital with their shoes tied and changing a diaper once later in the day.

[Anonymous]

Consider telling your mother less about your professional and personal life. When she calls, just talk about the weather.