How do professional women who work long hours deal with judgement from family?

[Anonymous]

Do you like your job, OP? It sounds like you really dislike it and your family (including husband and kids) aren’t happy about it. What is the point? Are you sacrificing yourself to help people? (I don’t mean that rhetorically - genuinely asking.) I’m guessing you think it’s a noble profession, but in that case I’m sort of confused that you’re glad your kids don’t want to go into it.

[Anonymous]

You are smart enough to know how WRONG your mother is. She is probably over worrying about any little thing and vomits her concerns at you ruining your day. Reduce contact for your own peace. She got her negativity out in the open and is relieved to have it off her chest but you are carrying it. You're a good mom and your kids are proud of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all you do. You worked hard for your degree and don’t forget that you are providing an excellent example for your kids. A hard working, intelligent mom is an incredible gift to be able to provide to your kids. I’m sorry it’s been so hard for so long. Hopefully we are at the end of it. Your mom’s comments don’t define you, they define her.

It doesn’t really sound like it’s a good example to her kids. She says they’re not thrilled about it and have told her they don’t want to go into medicine.

[Anonymous]

Stop giving people the detailed into they would need to judge you. If she asks how things are going, just say "fine." Rinse repeat.

How is DH doing? How are your kids? If they are managing, that is much more important than what your mom thinks.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say I'm sorry you are dealing with this, OP
I am sure your patients appreciate you. We've had some non-Covid but serious medical needs over this past 1.5yrs and I am so grateful for all that doctors and other HCWs do, even with the risks to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician. Covid has been a mess. It was such a stressful tune and then I was unable to visit my dying father much last year because of travel bans in place on hospital staff - I would face had to quarantine 7 days before seeing my dad, then quarantine 7 days after I got back. And I have 4 weeks of vacation per year with 2 school age kids.

Now we have a massive bump in patients and a lot of our staff has quit and I am working 60 hour weeks. I am the primary earner, but my husband WFH, so he (thankfully!) takes care of a lot at home. Not much of a point in looking for a better job; my colleagues everywhere tell the same story: more patients, fewer doctors and ancillary staff, and no bonuses/COL increases “because of covid”. A few of my friends have gone part time, but say it’s a farce - you basically work full time for half the pay and no benefits.

My mother is simply furious at me. Last week - the day our dog died - she accused me of being partly the reason for my -very old -dog’s death because I was not “attuned to his needs” because of my work schedule. It was particularly awful because I love our dog so so much. She then told me that my husband and children were going to die early deaths and end up in therapy because I neglect them, too. I told her that I couldn’t continue this discussion and hung up. We haven’t spoken since.

Irritatingly, my mother is the first to report doctors to hospital management if she doesn’t get a call back fast enough. I’ve pointed out that her expectations of her doctors are part of the reason we have to work so hard, but she dismisses this.

TL;DR: Don’t go into medicine if you are a woman. You will work long, stressful hours for a moderately high salary, and your family will hate you.

This post makes me very sad. If a medical doctor WOHM is in this terrible situation, what would a mere SAHM hope for in this society? It seems you cannot win, even with a good salary and all.

[Anonymous]

You also need to realize that your mom would say other horrible things to you if you were a SAHM. You got a crappy mom.

[Anonymous]

No one can do it all. You need to outsource as much as you can and also simplify your life. No pets. No plants. If your family wants these things then they are responsible, not you.

Every one wants a full time SAHM who is also a full time WOHM.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Thank you all for your comments (and for reading my vent).

Sometimes I think it’s a socioeconomic thing, too. My colleagues who worked their way up from less money have parents who are so so proud that they are doctors. Therefore, their parents don’t mess with them. Other female colleagues have mothers who had demanding jobs, and are understanding. I’m in a weird netherworld where we were UMC and my mom was a SAHM. My becoming a doctor was no big deal - a few of my moms’s friends sons are doctors - but my mom doesn’t have any professional experience and will say things like “you should just refuse to go to work! Tell them you have to some time with your family!” And two of her friends sent me mail (on notecards decorated with flowers) telling me I should quit my job “temporarily” in the middle of covid to take care of my dad. I’ll tell you this much, I’m sure none of their sons would ever EVER get a note like that.

Covid times have been awful for everyone, though. So I try to be understanding. But the dog comment made me lose it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all you do. You worked hard for your degree and don’t forget that you are providing an excellent example for your kids. A hard working, intelligent mom is an incredible gift to be able to provide to your kids. I’m sorry it’s been so hard for so long. Hopefully we are at the end of it. Your mom’s comments don’t define you, they define her.

It doesn’t really sound like it’s a good example to her kids. She says they’re not thrilled about it and have told her they don’t want to go into medicine.

Eh, give it a few years. They are kids.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is the spouse of a doctor. How do other working spouses of doctors handle this?

I know one female married doctor with kids who lives with WOH DH, 2 kids and her ILs. MIL takes care of all the logistics of running the house and childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all for your comments (and for reading my vent).

Sometimes I think it’s a socioeconomic thing, too. My colleagues who worked their way up from less money have parents who are so so proud that they are doctors. Therefore, their parents don’t mess with them. Other female colleagues have mothers who had demanding jobs, and are understanding. I’m in a weird netherworld where we were UMC and my mom was a SAHM. My becoming a doctor was no big deal - a few of my moms’s friends sons are doctors - but my mom doesn’t have any professional experience and will say things like “you should just refuse to go to work! Tell them you have to some time with your family!” And two of her friends sent me mail (on notecards decorated with flowers) telling me I should quit my job “temporarily” in the middle of covid to take care of my dad. I’ll tell you this much, I’m sure none of their sons would ever EVER get a note like that.

Covid times have been awful for everyone, though. So I try to be understanding. But the dog comment made me lose it.

OP, for perspective, I come from a UMC family with a SAHM and my sister is a covid ward physician in a public health hospital that was on the front line of front lines. She works grueling, long hours and has this entire pandemic. And nobody, NOBODY in our family would dream of saying anything as mean as what you report. My SAHM has stepped in to help my sister, and only ever tells her how much good she is creating in the world, how proud she is of her, etc. You are excusing the inexcusable here, probably because you are a good daughter, but as an outsider, let me me clear: It is cruelty for the sake of cruelty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all for your comments (and for reading my vent).

Sometimes I think it’s a socioeconomic thing, too. My colleagues who worked their way up from less money have parents who are so so proud that they are doctors. Therefore, their parents don’t mess with them. Other female colleagues have mothers who had demanding jobs, and are understanding. I’m in a weird netherworld where we were UMC and my mom was a SAHM. My becoming a doctor was no big deal - a few of my moms’s friends sons are doctors - but my mom doesn’t have any professional experience and will say things like “you should just refuse to go to work! Tell them you have to some time with your family!” And two of her friends sent me mail (on notecards decorated with flowers) telling me I should quit my job “temporarily” in the middle of covid to take care of my dad. I’ll tell you this much, I’m sure none of their sons would ever EVER get a note like that.

Covid times have been awful for everyone, though. So I try to be understanding. But the dog comment made me lose it.

Fellow physician mom here. OP, you can’t win. If you lean out, you get blamed for being a crappy doctor. If you lean in, you’re a crappy mom. In reading your first post, I had a sense your mother was a SAHM and has no idea of the responsibilities you carry. Focus on your immediate family and demote your mother’s significance in your life. Agree with others, she sounds toxic. In a sick and twisted way, she probably blames you for your father’s death, as in you as a doctor couldn’t help prevent his death or alleviate his suffering. She probably put her friends up to sending in the notes to you.

[Anonymous]

“In a sick and twisted way, she probably blames you for your father’s death, as in you as a doctor couldn’t help prevent his death or alleviate his suffering. She probably put her friends up to sending in the notes to you.”

OP here. I think you are correct on both counts. I am in a subtype of oncology and my mother keeps asking what good it is that I am a cancer doctor at a big research institution if my dad died of cancer. And she knew about the notes - she texted me before I even got them that she did NOT agree with notes that were being sent to me by her friends. But my husband commented at the time that she “doth protest too much.”

Ever since I was little, I have always done my own thing and bern very good at tuning out my mom, but the stress has been overwhelming and it just piles up with no sign of letting up. I can’t believe I hung up on my mom, but I am at the end of my rope. Seems like this problem is specific to my family though, and not commonly seen. Which is a good thing for society!

I miss our dog. He just loved me when I was home, and never gave me crap about my schedule.

Thank you all again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thank you all for your comments (and for reading my vent).

Sometimes I think it’s a socioeconomic thing, too. My colleagues who worked their way up from less money have parents who are so so proud that they are doctors. Therefore, their parents don’t mess with them. Other female colleagues have mothers who had demanding jobs, and are understanding. I’m in a weird netherworld where we were UMC and my mom was a SAHM. My becoming a doctor was no big deal - a few of my moms’s friends sons are doctors - but my mom doesn’t have any professional experience and will say things like “you should just refuse to go to work! Tell them you have to some time with your family!” And two of her friends sent me mail (on notecards decorated with flowers) telling me I should quit my job “temporarily” in the middle of covid to take care of my dad. I’ll tell you this much, I’m sure none of their sons would ever EVER get a note like that.

Covid times have been awful for everyone, though. So I try to be understanding. But the dog comment made me lose it.

I'm sorry, OP. I recognize this kind of behavior and IME, these kind of people will never be satisfied. Like my MIL. She looks down on women who SAH as lazy, but she complains that people don't drop everything from their busy jobs when she needs them. She's always reading about awards in the paper and asking her kids "why don't you have XYZ award" or "why don't you have this professional accolade that my friend's son has?", but then she's simultaneously complaining that they work too hard and need to spend more time with their family. So, we're supposed to both work hard and have professional success that she can brag about, but yet have jobs with unlimited flexibility that we can just decide not to do whenever we feel like it? Got it.