DH says he has no connection to our kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and do gender selection with an asshole, OP? He sounds awful.

I think OP is a troll.

I do too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry and do gender selection with an asshole, OP? He sounds awful.

I think OP is a troll.

IVF for sex selection isn't covered under insurance and costs like 50k. OP do you have that kind of money? This is a troll.

I’m not sure what the cost was 8 years ago but it’s not necessarily 50k. Our insurance did cover IVF and genetic testing. Without insurance 1 cycle was 30k, including testing. A lot of people do genetic testing and gender select (although most do not do IVF to gender select). It’s not terrible unusual in the IVF community.

Not saying it’s not a troll but I notice there tend to be a lot of misinformation about IVF out there. If OP got lucky and had a healthy male embryo from one cycle I’m guessing 30k. And this is DCUM, 30k isn’t much to many of us.

Not sure if it’s been said already, but military insurance doesn’t cover it.

[Anonymous]

Why does it HAVE to be hunting or fishing? Can he think of no other activity both he and each kid could enjoy? Can he not ask the kids for ideas? Does his idea of manly = just hunting or fishing or wrestling? How about basketball, tennis, golf, running (he’s a military guy he must run - can’t bring his kids?), biking, hiking, a board game, computers/tech, building things etc? There’s legit no way to connect to a son if said son won’t hunt, fish or wrestle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. That would be heartbreaking.

I also have a very manly DH (fishing, works on engines, athletic, handy, etc) and we have only daughters. Our oldest daughter really enjoys fishing with him and helping with hands on projects- they built and painted a bird house, they've gone camping with DH's best friend and his two kids.

Our younger daughter is much more of a girly girl so DH has, much to my SHOCK, fine tuned his hobbies to bond with her. He made a wooden hand and they "paint it's nails". He put on his suit to attend her tea party on the kitchen floor. He bought her a tackle box that she loves using for beads and other craft supplies.

I'm just throwing these out there in case they spark any interest or sound like something you could get your DH in. It does sound like he needs therapy to tap into and work through his emotions.

Aww - I’m so impressed esp building a hand to paint its nails. So cute. She’ll remember that forever plus dad putting on a suit for her pretend tea parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it HAVE to be hunting or fishing? Can he think of no other activity both he and each kid could enjoy? Can he not ask the kids for ideas? Does his idea of manly = just hunting or fishing or wrestling? How about basketball, tennis, golf, running (he’s a military guy he must run - can’t bring his kids?), biking, hiking, a board game, computers/tech, building things etc? There’s legit no way to connect to a son if said son won’t hunt, fish or wrestle?

NP, you are missing the point. OP might also be missing the point. Here is the point: If the boy was a stereotypical boy, it would not matter. If the oldest girl was a boy, it would not matter.

OP's husband would find another reason why he was not connected to his kids. This is just red herring stuff. OP's DH needs to get into therapy.

Will he do it? Probably not. And you think OP hasn't thought of your ideas above and suggested it to him? Of course she has. But OP cannot fix him.

So OP needs to get to therapy to deal with her GRIEF, as expressed in her OP, that her DH is not the kind of father that she wished for.

[Anonymous]

I would not want my kids around this person. Kids pick up on this type of thing and I think it can be deeply hurtful and cause lasting damage. I would be getting my kids away. I’d be divorcing and pushing hard for custody with little visitation. I don’t think I could live with myself if i let my kids continue living this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get therapy to get his head on straight. Period. Personally, if my husband was unwilling to make any effort to connect with his kids, I'd be thinking about divorce. It's not fair to the kids to have to live with a father who won't even try, and who's sexist as hell to boot.

Typical DCUM knee jerk response. Divorce is NOT. The answer to everything! How on earth would it make anything better in this case?

Np. The kids constantly having to be around someone that they know is supposed to love them more than anything and doesn’t bother, that’s damaging. They deserve to get on with their lives being around people that love them. Kids can’t thrive without love. Divorce isn’t an “answer”. I don’t know anyone who describes it as an “answer.” When it happens it’s the only option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get therapy to get his head on straight. Period. Personally, if my husband was unwilling to make any effort to connect with his kids, I'd be thinking about divorce. It's not fair to the kids to have to live with a father who won't even try, and who's sexist as hell to boot.

It’s crossed my mind.

He’s a good to me. He’s supportive and a very hard worker. He doesn’t yell or hit our kids, which given his childhood means a lot. He’s broken a lot of cycles.

I sometimes wonder if he separates himself from our kids because he doesn’t know how to parent them in any other way than how he was parented but he doesn’t want to do that to our kids. He’ll spend time with them, but they won’t even talk. They just exist together.

I can tell it affects our oldest daughter the most.

New poster. Regarding the bold, that is very perceptive of you, OP. He has had no role model for parenting in his life and very likely might be utterly unaware how to relate to kids. His vision of a son who would be just like him and enjoy what he enjoys, because son is male, is a very stereotypical expectation, and possibly stems from your DH's just having no idea that a child might not be a carbon copy of the parent of the same sex. I am NOT saying that as a criticism of your DH, but to point out that he seems to have no realistic frame of reference for what children of either gender are actually like, nor can he see them as individuals with individual interests and maybe quirks too.

I note you say he won't even consider therapy. I don't know the military term for it, but isn't there a family services organziation for military families which helps with things like getting service members (and family members) mental health help? (It would be an Employee Assistance Program in a business, I guess.)

Your "old school" DH really , really needs to hear from a man who is also a service member that it is essential DH get therapy. I'll say it again: DH will not hear YOU on this so he needs to hear this from a male peer in the military. From a superior officer would be even better. Preferably someone who can talk to him and say, "I too thought that therapy was a crock of crap but if I had not done it I would have ended up divorced and never have really known my kids. If you don't accept that you do not know everything and you do not know your kids, you are going to wake up and they will be graduated and gone, or they and your wife will have left." I think you might have to find out where to go so you can talk to someone and say this is what your DH needs -- a very firm push from another male military member. As soon as possible.

You also might need to give him a serious wake-up call that you are so unhappy that YOU are going to go to therapy solo to work on how to parent your kids for the years they are still at home, because you are essentially parenting solo. He may feel that he's doing a great job -- he doesn't hit them as he was hit, he treats you well, etc. -- but that is not fully parenting and he will not get that unless someone helps him to see it. He might get very angry if you tell him you feel that you are doing this alone and that he does not know his own children, so prepare your script for how to react if he gets angry.

You might consider counseling for the kids at some point too. They are growing up feeling they are inadequate, to their dad. Of course he does not mean to do that to them, but it's the effect on them, in the end. He is right that he has no connection to them because he can only connect with the stereotypes of what he believes they should be, not with the real individuals they are. I truly hope you and the kids get outside help and that you can get him to accept outside help. He sounds like a decent person who is trapped by his upbringing and trauma in a very antiquated world, but it's the world he knows and can control in his mind.

[Anonymous]

PS from the PP above -- if he is no longer active duty military, surely you can get access to help for him as a veteran. At the least maybe he can get connected with another vet or active duty person who can talk to him. Some men truly need to hear certain things from male peers, not from the women in their lives. It's sad but true for certain men that they cannot hear their wives telling them something but can hear it from another man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have PTSD if he was deployed?

Yes. He has a slew of issues but won’t address them because he’s “old school” and doesn’t believe in therapy or mental health. He’s very much, “buck up, shut up, and deal with it.”

It’s upsetting to watch.

He needs to do EMDR, you must demand it or else.

Also I would choose activities for him to do with the kids and require he do them.

It won't hurt your kids to fish or hunt with your H.

Your kids should pick one thing they like to do and your H should do that.

Forcing a sensitive child to kill animals for fun in order to earn the love of his father who otherwise can't be bothered because he clearly doesn't love the child for who he is actually sounds very harmful to me.

I agree with this. Killing an animal is not something my 9yo would enjoy at all.

[Anonymous]

Old school is a nice way of saying sexist in this situation. You parent the kids you gave, not the kids you want. He needs to step up or step out.

[Anonymous]

Have, not gave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get therapy to get his head on straight. Period. Personally, if my husband was unwilling to make any effort to connect with his kids, I'd be thinking about divorce. It's not fair to the kids to have to live with a father who won't even try, and who's sexist as hell to boot.

I agree.

You’re a ghoul. The only person divorce will “help” is OP - years and years of research back up that divorce, particularly at those ages, are catastrophic for kids. The kids need their dad even if he’s hands-off and uninterested. This is the guy you married so buck up and do the best you can. I actually had a similar dad and now that we’re adults we have a lot more in common/get along better. If my parents had divorced I no doubt would not have him in my life at all.

[Anonymous]

OP your bar is sadly low. I was raised in a physically abusive home. My brother is in the military and very macho. Yet, when he comes to my home, he plays tea party and dresses up with my girls. He’s very connected to them.

I get it’s slightly different since they aren’t his children but my wider point stands. This is so awful for your children to experience, and the lack of physical abuse does not mean your DH isn’t damaging them.

[Anonymous]

This is about his upbringing more than about being a miltary macho man. Plenty of military men end up with all girls; said men play tea party and everything and certainly would not push away a daughter who wanted to fish with him. I know totally macho guys guy went to West Point military types who ended up with a house full of daughters - they do not act the way your DH does in the slightest. And while I don't know them personally I'm sure there are also military men who have sons who aren't macho - maybe the reading and writing poetry types; maybe the quiet working on computers type but not the football QB who hunts on the weekends type. Pretty sure they don't push their sons away.

This is about your DH and who he is.