DH says he has no connection to our kids

[Anonymous]

We have three kids. G13, G11 and B8.

DH has always been hands off as a parent and I attributed that to his harsh (borderline abusive) upbringing and time spent away from us (active military). I was happy with two but he really wanted a son so we did gender selection IVF and our son was born.

However our son isn’t a “boys boy” as DH puts it and he cannot relate to him or our daughters at all. I think he overall had very different expectations for parenting that haven’t aligned with our reality.

He said he always wanted a son who had the same interests that he could teach to hunt or fish or wrestle but our son has zero of those interests so DH just doesn’t put forth the effort. Our oldest DD is actually the most like DH and has shown interest in those types of things but he doesn’t put fort the effort with the girls at all.

I’m just overall feeling really sad and defeated. Sad my kids are missing out on their dad. Sad my husband is missing out on our amazing kids. Sad about the trauma my husband went through that made him the way he is. Sad he won’t entertain the idea of therapy. And sometimes even sad I had kids with someone who isn’t the father I thought he’d be.

[Anonymous]

Does he have PTSD if he was deployed?

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. That must be extremely difficult and hurtful. You can only focus on what you can do. Surround your children with loving adults, love on them. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have PTSD if he was deployed?

Yes. He has a slew of issues but won’t address them because he’s “old school” and doesn’t believe in therapy or mental health. He’s very much, “buck up, shut up, and deal with it.”

It’s upsetting to watch.

[Anonymous]

Is he still in the military?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry it’s happening
I am a mom so I do put in effort but my son is not like me and it’s hard when you have to put in so much effort to connect with your child, so I get it. I have no advice for you, just wanted to say that it happens

[Anonymous]

He needs to get therapy to get his head on straight. Period. Personally, if my husband was unwilling to make any effort to connect with his kids, I'd be thinking about divorce. It's not fair to the kids to have to live with a father who won't even try, and who's sexist as hell to boot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have PTSD if he was deployed?

Yes. He has a slew of issues but won’t address them because he’s “old school” and doesn’t believe in therapy or mental health. He’s very much, “buck up, shut up, and deal with it.”

It’s upsetting to watch.

He needs to do EMDR, you must demand it or else.

Also I would choose activities for him to do with the kids and require he do them.

It won't hurt your kids to fish or hunt with your H.

Your kids should pick one thing they like to do and your H should do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get therapy to get his head on straight. Period. Personally, if my husband was unwilling to make any effort to connect with his kids, I'd be thinking about divorce. It's not fair to the kids to have to live with a father who won't even try, and who's sexist as hell to boot.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get therapy to get his head on straight. Period. Personally, if my husband was unwilling to make any effort to connect with his kids, I'd be thinking about divorce. It's not fair to the kids to have to live with a father who won't even try, and who's sexist as hell to boot.

It’s crossed my mind.

He’s a good to me. He’s supportive and a very hard worker. He doesn’t yell or hit our kids, which given his childhood means a lot. He’s broken a lot of cycles.

I sometimes wonder if he separates himself from our kids because he doesn’t know how to parent them in any other way than how he was parented but he doesn’t want to do that to our kids. He’ll spend time with them, but they won’t even talk. They just exist together.

I can tell it affects our oldest daughter the most.

[Anonymous]

1. Y’all need therapy. Separately and together.

2. I cannot imagine doing gender selection ivf just cause you want a boy that bad. Is your husband aware that he can do any activity with a child of either gender?

3. Kids aren’t just innately interested in hunting or fishing - or anything else. They learn from you. My kids both love mine and my husbands hobbies because we’ve been taking them camping and rock climbing since before they could walk. Your husband can’t just waltz in and expect his school aged children to magically like all the things he likes if he never spent time teaching them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have PTSD if he was deployed?

Yes. He has a slew of issues but won’t address them because he’s “old school” and doesn’t believe in therapy or mental health. He’s very much, “buck up, shut up, and deal with it.”

It’s upsetting to watch.

He needs to do EMDR, you must demand it or else.

Also I would choose activities for him to do with the kids and require he do them.

It won't hurt your kids to fish or hunt with your H.

Your kids should pick one thing they like to do and your H should do that.

DD has shown interested in hunting but DH won’t take her. He tried with DS but he’s a sensitive kid and the process upset him. Constantly suggesting activities they could both enjoy and they’ll both try but it’s honestly like watching a bad dad to see them interact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids. G13, G11 and B8.

DH has always been hands off as a parent and I attributed that to his harsh (borderline abusive) upbringing and time spent away from us (active military). I was happy with two but he really wanted a son so we did gender selection IVF and our son was born.

However our son isn’t a “boys boy” as DH puts it and he cannot relate to him or our daughters at all. I think he overall had very different expectations for parenting that haven’t aligned with our reality.

He said he always wanted a son who had the same interests that he could teach to hunt or fish or wrestle but our son has zero of those interests so DH just doesn’t put forth the effort. Our oldest DD is actually the most like DH and has shown interest in those types of things but he doesn’t put fort the effort with the girls at all.

I’m just overall feeling really sad and defeated. Sad my kids are missing out on their dad. Sad my husband is missing out on our amazing kids. Sad about the trauma my husband went through that made him the way he is. Sad he won’t entertain the idea of therapy. And sometimes even sad I had kids with someone who isn’t the father I thought he’d be.

I had this father and was the oldest tomboy sporty girl who loved the outdoors and whose father could not be bothered because I did not have the “correct” plumbing in his eyes. It sucks and as a kid, it feels terrible. This dated, tired machismo BS is so toxic.

But it won’t change, so help your son and daughters to find some positive male role models in the community and in their activities. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. You need a professional’s guidance with this. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My husband is similar, OP. I empathize. I play lacrosse with my son, and take him fishing, and have him work on cars with me. (I'm the mom). And he's sad that it's not his dad doing it. At the heart of it, it's not the lack of activity. It's the complete lack of interest in the kids as human beings. And the kids know that.


If you can't get him to therapy, try to find other male role models for your kids. The poster who said find loving adults is spot on. We don't always get the parents we want. Unfortunately. It might be helpful for you to go to therapy, too, just to see if there are some approaches you could take to help make this easier for your kids.