Adult Son - WWYD

[Anonymous]

We have a 24 YO son who graduated college a while ago in another city. He is responsible, hard working, and intelligent. Sadly, he has not found a professional job (though he has been looking/getting interviews), and has been working as a server in his city since sophomore year of college. He got scholarships and we covered the difference for his college, so luckily he doesn't have to worry about loans.

Around a month ago he unexpectedly lost his job. It wasn't his fault - he had a few months earlier started at a brand new restaurant that was not working out and they cut half their staff. He has been trying to get a new job - any job - since then, but the timing makes it hard (in the city he is in restaurants slow down and already hired a lot for the busy March-June season so there is a glut of service staff available and few openings).

He has decided his best course of action is to move back in with us, something both me and DH have suggested he should not. This is not because we don't want him around, but we know that independence is a big thing for him - he has been paying all his own living expenses since sophomore year of college and has always had a fiercely independent streak - plus he has not really 'lived' in DC since going off to college, he would stay for a week, maybe two each summer, and all his social connections are currently in his home city now. We both worry that coming home could cause him issues relating to depression and anxiety. We have told him this.

We are lucky enough that we could help him out financially until he finds something - and honestly it sounds like it might not take too much longer (he had a great interview for a serving position at one of the busiest high end restaurants in his city today and has a second at the same spot next week) - but it is clear that he is feeling like he is financially stretched too thin, and worries that even if he gets this job it will be too late anyway. Also, the fact that he paid his own living expenses all throughout college makes me want to help him through this - I don't want to go into detail here, but him doing so helped us through a bit of a financial rough patch ourselves - and its not like what we would be paying for is crazy expensive, he lives in a cheap room with a couple of roommates and is far too proud to take more then exactly what would get him by.

He has basically said he fully plans on moving back in within a month. I personally dont think this is a good idea - but accept it and won't lie, I am a bit excited to get to spend a bit more time with him one on one before he gets completely set. DH on the other hand really is against this plan. DH wants to help DS financially and thinks him moving back home would be bad news.

Full disclosure is that DH and DS have never been best friends, I personally think their personalities are far too similar and it leads to them clashing a lot. They love each other dearly, and its not like its constant arguing between them, but both are stubborn, fiercely independent, and intelligent which I think means they just feel the need to kind of push each other's buttons at times. D

I am just looking for your advice? Should I push DS to accept our assistance? Or have him move back in?

[Anonymous]

What a lot of words to just say that your adult child is moving in.

And so much shame and guilt tied into this, OP, like many on these boards would like you to feel, because:

1. They're mostly parents of young kids who don't understand that even older kids are still kids;

2. They don't understand that real estate prices and the job market have changed and that it's more like a European economy. It's considered normal in some parts of Europe to live with your parents in your 20s, because rents and cost of living are so high.

So do what works for your family. I would try option "give money" before option " move back in", but BOTH ARE FINE. What's not fine is letting him scramble by himself, as I'm sure some posters will tell you to do. Glad you don't think this way. Don't add the fear of what the neighbors (or DCUM) will think.

[Anonymous]

I agree that I would try to offer financial assistance before encouraging him to move home, especially if he is otherwise happy in the city in which he lives.

It’s all in how you position this - I would try saying something like, “I know you are very happy in X and we would hate for you to give up that life and your friends, so it would make your father and I truly happy to support you financially until you find another job and feel more comfortable” If he balls at the idea, you could try offering the money as a loan that he can pay back if he wants but there is no pressure.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he should try to break into the hospitality industry - hotel or restaurant mgmt.

I'd focus on getting him a career counselor to help fid his interests, aptitude, craft a story, mock interviews and get going on a full time job with growth opps. Take a few months and focus on that, he can continue to be a part-time waiter while doing so but time to get the eye on the ball.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp. Offer him a choice, it will be the most generous thing to do and something he will remember you by. He is at a breaking point, it took a lot of strength for him to ask for permission to move back. Be gracious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he should try to break into the hospitality industry - hotel or restaurant mgmt.

I'd focus on getting him a career counselor to help fid his interests, aptitude, craft a story, mock interviews and get going on a full time job with growth opps. Take a few months and focus on that, he can continue to be a part-time waiter while doing so but time to get the eye on the ball.

No. That's really hard.

[Anonymous]

Think of it as a long vacation home while he regroups, polishes resume and skills, makes contacts, etc. He sounds like a go-getter so he won’t stay longer than he has to. Just enjoy some bonus time with him.

[Anonymous]

I have a mid 20's son too. I think you should tell him "We're going to float you through Labor Day. You can pay us back when you're back on your feet. If we didn't think you could make it on your own, we'd just tell you to come home, but we believe in you. So take this summer to firm up your interviews for your career and try to find a waiter position in the meantime."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he should try to break into the hospitality industry - hotel or restaurant mgmt.

I'd focus on getting him a career counselor to help fid his interests, aptitude, craft a story, mock interviews and get going on a full time job with growth opps. Take a few months and focus on that, he can continue to be a part-time waiter while doing so but time to get the eye on the ball.

No. That's really hard.

no it’s not, most people at mid-level management are not college educated. If he’s had good work experience, drive, and is college educated, he could break into it and be just fine.

my only question - how does he not have a career now that he’s graduated? The market is hot, if you have a pulse, you can get a job.

[Anonymous]

Being in a new city would open up new job opportunities (career ones) since he would have a whole new set of companies to apply to.

He probably knows more people in the DC area then you think.

I would support him, with the caveat that he apply for professional jobs and do something to boost his resume. If he spends too much more time waiting tables he will never get a professional job. What is his field? Would he consider grad school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he should try to break into the hospitality industry - hotel or restaurant mgmt.

I'd focus on getting him a career counselor to help fid his interests, aptitude, craft a story, mock interviews and get going on a full time job with growth opps. Take a few months and focus on that, he can continue to be a part-time waiter while doing so but time to get the eye on the ball.

No. That's really hard.

no it’s not, most people at mid-level management are not college educated. If he’s had good work experience, drive, and is college educated, he could break into it and be just fine.

my only question - how does he not have a career now that he’s graduated? The market is hot, if you have a pulse, you can get a job.

Many restaurants now require management to have college degrees these days. There is actually a shortage of managers in many large cities right now so he could probably start training quickly if he's interested. It can be hard to transition from serving though. The hours are longer and you can make significantly less money in some places.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your son wants to come home? Maybe he's sick of working as a server and wants to recoup and figure out how to get back to a professional track?

I have a teenager, so I'm far away from this but not that far. We have a small house (no basement!) but my kids will be welcome to come back after college as long as they are responsible and motivated. I never lived at home after college but did spend time there during breaks from grad school; and I had one sibling who lived at home for a few years while he figured out what to do with his English major. He also worked as a server for a year or so, and needed a good hard shove to try something else. He's now spent 25 years at a big financial services firm, pretty happily.

Even independent minded kids sometimes need a guiding hadn. Maybe your 24yo needs some direction from his parents to help him get on track?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that I would try to offer financial assistance before encouraging him to move home, especially if he is otherwise happy in the city in which he lives.

It’s all in how you position this - I would try saying something like, “I know you are very happy in X and we would hate for you to give up that life and your friends, so it would make your father and I truly happy to support you financially until you find another job and feel more comfortable” If he balls at the idea, you could try offering the money as a loan that he can pay back if he wants but there is no pressure.

This.

And I’m the parent of a 25 year old fully employed and step parent of a 24 year old in law school. They both had compelling reasons to crash with us and we paid expenses instead. We get along well with them, but chose to downsize when they both graduated (leaving just our youngest at home). It was our intention to help them if they needed it, but make it clear that living at home while unemployed for a long stretch was not an option. I saw how it destroyed my brother’s relationship with me and our parents.

This might be a good time for your son to go back to school. Grad school or a degree in another field. Looking for another server job at this point tells me he’s in a rut. Bringing him home won’t fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What a lot of words to just say that your adult child is moving in.

And so much shame and guilt tied into this, OP, like many on these boards would like you to feel, because:

1. They're mostly parents of young kids who don't understand that even older kids are still kids;

2. They don't understand that real estate prices and the job market have changed and that it's more like a European economy. It's considered normal in some parts of Europe to live with your parents in your 20s, because rents and cost of living are so high.

So do what works for your family. I would try option "give money" before option " move back in", but BOTH ARE FINE. What's not fine is letting him scramble by himself, as I'm sure some posters will tell you to do. Glad you don't think this way. Don't add the fear of what the neighbors (or DCUM) will think.

Yes, but this isn’t Europe and there are affordable places to live outside highly-desired neighborhoods of major metropolitan areas. A young man with no dependents should be able to share a two modest bedroom apartment with a roommate or rent a room in an older couple’s home. They don’t want to do that. They want hardwood floors, walkable to metro and bars, and high speed Internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp. Offer him a choice, it will be the most generous thing to do and something he will remember you by. He is at a breaking point, it took a lot of strength for him to ask for permission to move back. Be gracious.

I agree that you should offer a choice -- and that you should be prepared for him to say he needs to move in. Frankly, it sounds like he has been shouldering his own financial burden for A LOT longer than most young adults his age since he was paying for his own college living expenses. He may just need a re-charge and to know that you'll back him up.

If he does move home, though, you'll want to work with your husband to ensure that the time goes smoothly. That may mean that your husband is going to have to bite his tongue and cut your son a little slack.

Your son sounds like a remarkable young man. Offer him a choice.