Adult Son - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of parents making excuses for their kids here. It’s everybody else’s fault, etc. There are plenty of 24 year olds that have figured out how to live by themselves by now, I guess they made it happen instead of making excuses.

Not a single poster has made excuses for their kids. Yes plenty of kids work it out. Plenty more have significant parental help for years. What’s your point? This kid sounds like a good, hard-working kid in need of some tome to reset. Some of you are really harsh on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, posting and then never coming back and answering reasonable questions (like what was your son’s major) is really poor form.

[Anonymous]

Why is he working as a server in a restaurant with a college degree? That is the problem. Did you not council him about his major and realistic job prospects with said major?

I would let him move in with the expectation that he be willing to discuss the future. Does he need to take some other classes? Get some real life experience? Do an internship? I would be doing everything possible to help my college graduate make a living in a field more stable than a waiter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would anyone’s answer be different if it was DD vs DS?

nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is he working as a server in a restaurant with a college degree? That is the problem. Did you not council him about his major and realistic job prospects with said major?

I would let him move in with the expectation that he be willing to discuss the future. Does he need to take some other classes? Get some real life experience? Do an internship? I would be doing everything possible to help my college graduate make a living in a field more stable than a waiter.

I'm not clear what he studied in college or built skills in. If it is a career track where you need to get that entry-level job with training in and get started. During your 20s you get maybe 2-4 different tries at different industries or functions before you have to pick and go narrower. Grad school mid-way can help too .

OP, get your son back home and give him a couple tools (do NOT be the tool) to get on a career track or apprenticeship track. Then he needs to pick something and do it already. Time to make decisions, not float around as a college-educated waiter for your main income and time commitment .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has taken a lot of blows and needs some support.

If it were my kid, I'd let him come home.

+1 besides, it probably wasn't easy to ask to come home.

+2 When they are as independent as your son is and ask to come back home for awhile, they are telling you they need YOU.

Yup. I'm the one who wrote "Sounds like..."

It was disheartening to read all these posts suggesting that this boy be kicked while he is down. Sure, many kids are in better shape than this young man at 24. And yeah, it would be better if he had a job. But none of us get through life without running into bumps and scrapes. Maybe coming home will help him figure out how to move beyond table waiting.

Let the boy come home and regroup.

[Anonymous]

OP, let him come home. He has been on his own since sophmore year in college,do you know how unusual that is?

If you live in the DC metro, he can probably easily find a position as a server somewhere and maybe even be able to look for a more highly paid position related to his degree at the same time. Rents are so high here, you could give him an advantage by letting him live at home for a while. Maybe have him pay a low rent once he finds a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mid 20's son too. I think you should tell him "We're going to float you through Labor Day. You can pay us back when you're back on your feet. If we didn't think you could make it on your own, we'd just tell you to come home, but we believe in you. So take this summer to firm up your interviews for your career and try to find a waiter position in the meantime."

+1. If you can afford it, I'd actually give him longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a mid 20's son too. I think you should tell him "We're going to float you through Labor Day. You can pay us back when you're back on your feet. If we didn't think you could make it on your own, we'd just tell you to come home, but we believe in you. So take this summer to firm up your interviews for your career and try to find a waiter position in the meantime."

+1. If you can afford it, I'd actually give him longer.

P.S. I would let him come home if he still wanted to post-this option, because it might indicate that something more was going on (failed love affair, roommate drama, not-just-situational depression), but I'd push the financing option first. Sometimes it's harder to ask for money than to ask to come home; make sure he's not just asking to come home because he's too proud to ask for money.

[Anonymous]

OP . here.

I think I made the wrong impression about DH.

He and DS are not super close, but do have a decent relationship. DH's main reason for not wanting DS to come home is not because he *doesn't* want DS home because they dont like each other, he just thinks DS should give it more time before making this decision as we can help him stay afloat up here and because DH is worried DS coming home would be something DS would ultimately regret. He also isn't forbidding DS from coming home, just trying his damnedest to convince DS to stick it out.

Part of it is also that I am a bit more of a homebody and DH has been up to visit DS more regularly, so has seen DS making his own life up there, met his friends, etc and better understands how much of a loss this move could be (according to him).

I 100% agree with those that say that if DS is asking to come home we should at this point help him to do that. I'm not worried about DS sticking around too long, he is far too independent to do so. I swear if he could move out at age 5 he would have (not to run away, its just who he is, very independent).

To the people saying that DS is too old to move back or whatever, that's not the question. He is 100% welcome to and neither me or DH has any desire to turn him down if he needs to. Both me and DH spent at least a couple months living with our parents in our early 20s, and I actually spent nearly a year living with mine in my early thirties (not financial reasons, but rather convenience).

Thanks for the advice so far!

[Anonymous]

OP Again

His degree is in Geography/Urban Planning. He also has a certificate in G.I.S.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he should do grad school?

Restaurant work can be great for money but bad on lifestyle, and lots of people fall in trap of not getting professional job they intended to get.

GIS skills are wanted in the fed gov.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of parents making excuses for their kids here. It’s everybody else’s fault, etc. There are plenty of 24 year olds that have figured out how to live by themselves by now, I guess they made it happen instead of making excuses.

Not a single poster has made excuses for their kids. Yes plenty of kids work it out. Plenty more have significant parental help for years. What’s your point? This kid sounds like a good, hard-working kid in need of some tome to reset. Some of you are really harsh on the kids.

He's not a kid at 24. He can drink, vote, marry, and serve in the military all by 21. At 24 he needs to shit or get off the pot...read figure out his life.

If he has a degree in Urban Planning and GIS he should have been working and interning to get career experience and/or moving a central point where those degrees are needed.

BTW - a lot of architects struggle. It's not really field where people flourish, so picking it in the first place unless you're very good is a non-starter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of parents making excuses for their kids here. It’s everybody else’s fault, etc. There are plenty of 24 year olds that have figured out how to live by themselves by now, I guess they made it happen instead of making excuses.

Not a single poster has made excuses for their kids. Yes plenty of kids work it out. Plenty more have significant parental help for years. What’s your point? This kid sounds like a good, hard-working kid in need of some tome to reset. Some of you are really harsh on the kids.

If he was a good, hard working kid he could hold down a job in the restaurant industry, and even if he lost it he would have a new job in a few days.

Honestly, sounds like he is a lazy, unmotivated adult man who needs to leave his mommy's teet behind. Sounds like he has been blackballed in his city so wants to continue to mooch off his hardworking father (who is luckily smart enough to push back against it).

OP: it's time to let go. He is 24, has a college degree he clearly has no desire to use, and has also wasted way too much of your cash on said degree. Sounds like if he was my kid he would likely have been on his own at age 18 because of his laziness. You did far more then you should have and now have to deal with the consequences. It's a tough bandaid to pull but you have to before he is in his mid-forties and still mooching off you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of parents making excuses for their kids here. It’s everybody else’s fault, etc. There are plenty of 24 year olds that have figured out how to live by themselves by now, I guess they made it happen instead of making excuses.

Not a single poster has made excuses for their kids. Yes plenty of kids work it out. Plenty more have significant parental help for years. What’s your point? This kid sounds like a good, hard-working kid in need of some tome to reset. Some of you are really harsh on the kids.

He's not a kid at 24. He can drink, vote, marry, and serve in the military all by 21. At 24 he needs to shit or get off the pot...read figure out his life.

If he has a degree in Urban Planning and GIS he should have been working and interning to get career experience and/or moving a central point where those degrees are needed.

BTW - a lot of architects struggle. It's not really field where people flourish, so picking it in the first place unless you're very good is a non-starter.

Fun study but big oversupply of architect degrees. Been that way for decades. One needs to network to break into the industry, the jobs are at private partnerships. He needs to pop in to some professors and brainstorm about some job tracks and companies. Has he had any relevant internships or coop programs in that industry.

City planning with more of an engineering tilt? WOrk for local or state government?