Being cut off by a sibling and dealing with the estrangement

[Anonymous]

I grew up in what I thought was a living close knit family of 5 sisters. I was the oldest and a preemie who barely survived. As such I was a sickly child and my parents doted on me and worked hard to ensure I was, safe, happy and confortable. The rest of my siblings all had normal births and were happy and thriving. Due to being a preemie, I looked different from other children my age. I was small and super skinny and would have regular stomach issues, bouts or flu and asthma. I was picked on at school and was extremely shy. As such, I spent a lot of time with my parents who I felt loved and valued me.

I think because of my circumstances I accidentally took too much attention away from my other siblings. I’d say my parents loved us all very much but I have always been the favorite. I know my mother would always save the last piece or cake or fruit for me and my father would always say I was his special best friend. The rest of my siblings were also doted on and given a lot of love and attention but mine was just a smidge more. I guess due to my early illness I leaned into my parents and built my relationship with them while the rest of my siblings like normal teens found companionship and acceptance outsidebthe home.

Even despite this my sisters and I were very close up until our thirties. I have wonderful warm memories of each of us spending a lot of time together and being the best of friends. Suddenly as we grew into adults I realized the other sisters, especially the two right behind me, got closer and closer. They became best friends and together decided out of the blue that I was “selfish.” I was shocked as I really do not remember being selfish with anything. As far as I knew my sisters were my best friends and I shared everything with them ( secrets, hopes, dreams, aspirations, seeking advice etc). The example they gave me is that I didn’t like sharing my clothes with them. Which, ok yes I did not. They never asked nicely or would sneakily steal my clothes and then throw them on the floor!

But it also became apparent to me that they all resent me for being “the favorite” and have bad feelings about me.

The one 4 years younger than me has cut me off. She says I have hurt her by being selfish and crazy my whole life. When I ask for examples she doesn’t give very many instances that seem particularly aggregious.

I have said I’m sorry and that I miss her. But nope. The rest of the sisters have all taken her side.

I am devastated. I feel like I can’t fundtion without my tribe.

How can I make peace and move on? It is her decision to remove me from her life and I don’t want to be selfish by pushing myself in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in what I thought was a living close knit family of 5 sisters. I was the oldest and a preemie who barely survived. As such I was a sickly child and my parents doted on me and worked hard to ensure I was, safe, happy and confortable. The rest of my siblings all had normal births and were happy and thriving. Due to being a preemie, I looked different from other children my age. I was small and super skinny and would have regular stomach issues, bouts or flu and asthma. I was picked on at school and was extremely shy. As such, I spent a lot of time with my parents who I felt loved and valued me.

I think because of my circumstances I accidentally took too much attention away from my other siblings. I’d say my parents loved us all very much but I have always been the favorite. I know my mother would always save the last piece or cake or fruit for me and my father would always say I was his special best friend. The rest of my siblings were also doted on and given a lot of love and attention but mine was just a smidge more. I guess due to my early illness I leaned into my parents and built my relationship with them while the rest of my siblings like normal teens found companionship and acceptance outsidebthe home.

Even despite this my sisters and I were very close up until our thirties. I have wonderful warm memories of each of us spending a lot of time together and being the best of friends. Suddenly as we grew into adults I realized the other sisters, especially the two right behind me, got closer and closer. They became best friends and together decided out of the blue that I was “selfish.” I was shocked as I really do not remember being selfish with anything. As far as I knew my sisters were my best friends and I shared everything with them ( secrets, hopes, dreams, aspirations, seeking advice etc). The example they gave me is that I didn’t like sharing my clothes with them. Which, ok yes I did not. They never asked nicely or would sneakily steal my clothes and then throw them on the floor!

But it also became apparent to me that they all resent me for being “the favorite” and have bad feelings about me.

The one 4 years younger than me has cut me off. She says I have hurt her by being selfish and crazy my whole life. When I ask for examples she doesn’t give very many instances that seem particularly aggregious.

I have said I’m sorry and that I miss her. But nope. The rest of the sisters have all taken her side.

I am devastated. I feel like I can’t fundtion without my tribe.

How can I make peace and move on? It is her decision to remove me from her life and I don’t want to be selfish by pushing myself in it.

It doesn't matter that YOU find her examples egregious - it matters that they feel that way to her. You are being dismissive of her experiences, and devaluing them according to your determination - not how it feels to her.

I also think that you come across as pretty narcissistic, which is common in dysfunction families with a favorite. It doesn't mean that you are deliberately mean and awful, but that this is a system and that is the role you played in the family. Your sisters are other people - they are not there to help you "function" and they are not your tribe. You have to respect their decisions that help *them* function best. Have you been in therapy to try and unwind your family dynamics and see how it's affected all of you?

[Anonymous]

"I shared absolutely everything with them! Everything!!! Well, except for my clothes, of course, because I didn't want to"

Look, OP, your parents probably did you a disservice by making clear that you were their favorite. You benefitted from that every day of your life, while your sisters' resentment grew. That's all very natural. But it's noteworthy that you didn't notice the negative pattern until it started affecting you negatively.

I agree with pp. Go talk to a counselor, make sure you're being your best self, and get advice about whether or not to try to reconnect with your sisters.

[Anonymous]

"It doesn't matter that YOU find her examples egregious - it matters that they feel that way to her. You are being dismissive of her experiences, and devaluing them according to your determination - not how it feels to her.

I also think that you come across as pretty narcissistic, which is common in dysfunction families with a favorite. It doesn't mean that you are deliberately mean and awful, but that this is a system and that is the role you played in the family. Your sisters are other people - they are not there to help you "function" and they are not your tribe. You have to respect their decisions that help *them* function best. Have you been in therapy to try and unwind your family dynamics and see how it's affected all of you? "

+1

Bravo, PP. this is well said. You alienating your siblings by being favored. They are not there to help you feel better and cope - they were "just kids", just as you were. In families like this, the favored child is enabled and truly does not see the forest for the trees. OP, the other siblings paired off. Do you blame them?

There are a lot of preemies that are not coddled. I think its time you let go of that. If you do not, you will have a miserable identity crisis of epic proportions when your parents pass away. I know someone who spent their life trying to run from favoritism, while reaping each benefit, and taking full advantage of the parents financially (stealing - while denying it, of course). While her sneakiness was rewarded by the favoring parent, the real world did NOT feel the same way. She has never adjusted, and probably never will.

I don't know if you will ever be welcome by your siblings, but I know you sure enjoyed that favoritism and reaped the benefits, didn't you? Yes, you were a kid, but you can't tell me that you were completely unaware. I am not saying it is entirely your fault, but I am positive that you fed into it. It was good while it lasted, huh OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I shared absolutely everything with them! Everything!!! Well, except for my clothes, of course, because I didn't want to"

Look, OP, your parents probably did you a disservice by making clear that you were their favorite. You benefitted from that every day of your life, while your sisters' resentment grew. That's all very natural. But it's noteworthy that you didn't notice the negative pattern until it started affecting you negatively.

I agree with pp. Go talk to a counselor, make sure you're being your best self, and get advice about whether or not to try to reconnect with your sisters.

+1

It is hard to hav sympathy even though you want to latch onto "but I was a preemie!". That may fly with your parents, but not anyone else. You need to work on yourself. You can't undo what you did to your siblings in the past, they hurt too, and their feelings matter just as much.

[Anonymous]

Agreed with the 9:26. Your status as the golden child seems to have blinded you to how much it hurt your siblings, and from your post it seems like even now you can only see everything from your own point of view rather than putting yourself into your sibling’s shoes.

Let’s take the clothes, for instance. With five kids and one who is medically fragile, there probably wasn’t tons of extra money to go around. As both the golden child and the oldest, you probably got the most spent on your clothing, and to some extent your sisters probably had to rely on your hand-me-downs. By refusing to share anything with them, you were implicitly sending the message that you were more deservingly of clothes than they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I shared absolutely everything with them! Everything!!! Well, except for my clothes, of course, because I didn't want to"

Look, OP, your parents probably did you a disservice by making clear that you were their favorite. You benefitted from that every day of your life, while your sisters' resentment grew. That's all very natural. But it's noteworthy that you didn't notice the negative pattern until it started affecting you negatively.

I agree with pp. Go talk to a counselor, make sure you're being your best self, and get advice about whether or not to try to reconnect with your sisters.

+1

It is hard to hav sympathy even though you want to latch onto "but I was a preemie!". That may fly with your parents, but not anyone else. You need to work on yourself. You can't undo what you did to your siblings in the past, they hurt too, and their feelings matter just as much.

NP here, but the OP didn't do anything to her siblings - their parents did. I think the first step is to recognize who really is to blame here. the sisters are getting angry at the wrong person. They should be resenting their parents for not parenting in a healthy way.

Someone downthread mentioned that they were just kids - but so was OP. She was just a kid too.

[Anonymous]

OP - one way to try and fix your relationships with your sisters is to acknowledge that it wasn't fair to them the way you all grew up. Acknowledge and take ownership of them telling you your selfish and crazy. Then say that you want to change and ask them what you could do going forward to repair the relationship.

Then go to therapy and tell the therapist what they said and also your perception of everything. The therapist will be able to help you sort it out.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't until I had kids of my own that I looked back on my own childhood and saw the inequity between my sister and I. It brought up a lot of feelings of being 2nd best and how I wasn't ever the favorite. My parents never took my side. It didn't really start bothering my until I hit my 30s. Even now with kids, my parents compare everything my kids do to my sister. wtf. "She's probably going to be a great athlete just like Aunt Larla!" "She got Aunt Larla's blue eyes." "She's energetic like Aunt Larla!" I finally told my parents they couldn't discuss my sister and didn't they remember ANYTHING about my childhood? Why did they never compare my children to me? My parents couldn't even remember if I was a happy baby or when I slept through the night.

I can't talk to my sister anymore without getting upset about our childhood now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed with the 9:26. Your status as the golden child seems to have blinded you to how much it hurt your siblings, and from your post it seems like even now you can only see everything from your own point of view rather than putting yourself into your sibling’s shoes.

Let’s take the clothes, for instance. With five kids and one who is medically fragile, there probably wasn’t tons of extra money to go around. As both the golden child and the oldest, you probably got the most spent on your clothing, and to some extent your sisters probably had to rely on your hand-me-downs. By refusing to share anything with them, you were implicitly sending the message that you were more deservingly of clothes than they were.

Op here.

We all had plenty of clothes. This lament goes back to their high school and my college days. I was a nerdy dorky kid and only wore t shirts and jeans. Those two were the hot popular girls. They had more clothes than I did. But the few shirts I had I didn’t want to share. I feel bad about it now. I didn’t realize my non stylish clothes meant so much to them.

[Anonymous]

If you want your sisters back I would start by respecting their boundaries and giving it some time.

Then you might consider listening to any of them who wants to talk to you and share their perspective. You then listen to UNDERSTAND, not to respond. You validate them. You apologize. You try to make amends.

You will never ever convince them they are wrong for feeling the way they do.

You have to decide what you want more-to be right or to have your sisters back?

Oh and leave your parents out of all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I shared absolutely everything with them! Everything!!! Well, except for my clothes, of course, because I didn't want to"

Look, OP, your parents probably did you a disservice by making clear that you were their favorite. You benefitted from that every day of your life, while your sisters' resentment grew. That's all very natural. But it's noteworthy that you didn't notice the negative pattern until it started affecting you negatively.

I agree with pp. Go talk to a counselor, make sure you're being your best self, and get advice about whether or not to try to reconnect with your sisters.

+1

It is hard to hav sympathy even though you want to latch onto "but I was a preemie!". That may fly with your parents, but not anyone else. You need to work on yourself. You can't undo what you did to your siblings in the past, they hurt too, and their feelings matter just as much.

NP here, but the OP didn't do anything to her siblings - their parents did. I think the first step is to recognize who really is to blame here. the sisters are getting angry at the wrong person. They should be resenting their parents for not parenting in a healthy way.

Someone downthread mentioned that they were just kids - but so was OP. She was just a kid too.

OP is not responsible for her parents’ actions, but is she is responsible for how she continued to play into the dynamic as an adult, and for whether she acknowledges how hurtful the situation was for her siblings. I was also a favored older child growing up, and it became pretty corrosive over time to my relationship with my sister. As I gained greater self-awareness as a young adult and could see the dynamic,ic for what it was, though, I was able to repair my relationship with my sister by acknowledging how she’d been hurt by our parents’ behavior and how I’d fed into it as a kid/teen, and by making an effort as an adult to push back against my parents’ continued favoritism. I couldn’t change how they treated her, but I could show her I cared about her and had her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed with the 9:26. Your status as the golden child seems to have blinded you to how much it hurt your siblings, and from your post it seems like even now you can only see everything from your own point of view rather than putting yourself into your sibling’s shoes.

Let’s take the clothes, for instance. With five kids and one who is medically fragile, there probably wasn’t tons of extra money to go around. As both the golden child and the oldest, you probably got the most spent on your clothing, and to some extent your sisters probably had to rely on your hand-me-downs. By refusing to share anything with them, you were implicitly sending the message that you were more deservingly of clothes than they were.

Op here.

We all had plenty of clothes. This lament goes back to their high school and my college days. I was a nerdy dorky kid and only wore t shirts and jeans. Those two were the hot popular girls. They had more clothes than I did. But the few shirts I had I didn’t want to share. I feel bad about it now. I didn’t realize my non stylish clothes meant so much to them.

Okay, OP. Clearly you’re the victim here and everyone else is to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed with the 9:26. Your status as the golden child seems to have blinded you to how much it hurt your siblings, and from your post it seems like even now you can only see everything from your own point of view rather than putting yourself into your sibling’s shoes.

Let’s take the clothes, for instance. With five kids and one who is medically fragile, there probably wasn’t tons of extra money to go around. As both the golden child and the oldest, you probably got the most spent on your clothing, and to some extent your sisters probably had to rely on your hand-me-downs. By refusing to share anything with them, you were implicitly sending the message that you were more deservingly of clothes than they were.

Op here.

We all had plenty of clothes. This lament goes back to their high school and my college days. I was a nerdy dorky kid and only wore t shirts and jeans. Those two were the hot popular girls. They had more clothes than I did. But the few shirts I had I didn’t want to share. I feel bad about it now. I didn’t realize my non stylish clothes meant so much to them.

Okay, OP. Clearly you’re the victim here and everyone else is to blame.

Agreed. It doesn't matter if they were popular and you were nerdy. There was only one mom and one dad that you all shared unequally.

[Anonymous]

My oldest was born 2 months premature and will have life-long physical and mental consequences as a result.

Do I prioritize his needs above my other child's? No. They have very DIFFERENT needs, so I treat everyone differently, but one is not favored over the other.

I don't know who is most to blame here, but it seems as if every sister contributed to the estrangement. You can't control how they feel, but I would go out of my way to take the high road, remember their birthdays and important dates for them, and always keep the door open for reconciliation.