Being cut off by a sibling and dealing with the estrangement

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like you are 15 talking about this. You seem pretty childlike and full of yourself. I basically agree with your sisters after listening to you give the most flattering to you version of events.

Anyone talking about how being small and astmatic and a preemie in their 30s is clearly living in the past. What is going on in all your live's NOW? Are you a good supportive sister as people start to get married and have kids?

You seem trapped in the past. I would try to start being a little more normal and humble and empathetic and focus on the current day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed with the 9:26. Your status as the golden child seems to have blinded you to how much it hurt your siblings, and from your post it seems like even now you can only see everything from your own point of view rather than putting yourself into your sibling’s shoes.

Let’s take the clothes, for instance. With five kids and one who is medically fragile, there probably wasn’t tons of extra money to go around. As both the golden child and the oldest, you probably got the most spent on your clothing, and to some extent your sisters probably had to rely on your hand-me-downs. By refusing to share anything with them, you were implicitly sending the message that you were more deservingly of clothes than they were.

Op here.

We all had plenty of clothes. This lament goes back to their high school and my college days. I was a nerdy dorky kid and only wore t shirts and jeans. Those two were the hot popular girls. They had more clothes than I did. But the few shirts I had I didn’t want to share. I feel bad about it now. I didn’t realize my non stylish clothes meant so much to them.

This phrase along speaks volumes. Their being unhappy with you has nothing to do with the clothes, it's about how you were all raised. Is it your fault? No, a lot of the blames lies with your parents. Why did they even have more kids if they were so focused on you?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I had a very difficult childhood and young adulthood. I have major anxiety, look physically odd and has no friends growing up. Excuse me for not thinking my attractive social butterfly sisters who were always socially validated, have better jobs, more money and more interesting lives than me needed anything from me. I couldn’t have imagined that had anything to be jealous in regards to me my social and health issues.

[Anonymous]

no one likes a perpetual victim...my guess is it's exhausting being around you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I had a very difficult childhood and young adulthood. I have major anxiety, look physically odd and has no friends growing up. Excuse me for not thinking my attractive social butterfly sisters who were always socially validated, have better jobs, more money and more interesting lives than me needed anything from me. I couldn’t have imagined that had anything to be jealous in regards to me my social and health issues.

You need a lot of therapy, OP. The fact that you're snarky about even *considering* seeing things from their perspective, is not healthy and does not reflect well on you. Please consider seeing a therapist to work through your family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

[Anonymous]

Send a holiday card once a year. Every few years call. See if that helps. Maybe over time things will improve.

Stop writing long paragraphs. You think you are more interesting than you are. Maybe that's part of the problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no one likes a perpetual victim...my guess is it's exhausting being around you, OP.

+1 but by your own admission only one has cut you off, still time to repair the damage with the others.

It sounds, OP, that you feel like because you had a certain set of struggles, that your sisters, who did not have those struggles, certainly led charmed lives and had nothing to complain about.

They are adults now so likely have had many struggles crop up along the way. Almost certainly not the same as your struggles but struggles nontheless. A relationship means both sides show empathy for the other. By your own admission you have received a lot of empathy and special attention for your struggles. Have you given your family the same in return when they have had problems? It sounds like you have not. That is not a good way to keep a relationship with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

Well, you need to start developing some empathy--your final paragraph is *still* all about you and your perspective.

And I suspect that your sisters did try to express their struggles, but you were "aloof and caught up in your life issues." When you were sharing all your hopes and dreams and struggles with your "best friends," didn't you notice that they weren't sharing theirs with you? You didn't hear because you never asked. You didn't hear because you weren't listening. Now is your chance to break this pattern, but you have got to get out of your own head. You need to tell your sisters that you know your dynamic growing up was unfair (no excuses about why it was justified) and that you know you were often too caught up in your wants and needs to reach out to them. But you have to mean it, and it sounds like you're still justifying yourself rather than really trying to understand them. So that's the first step--I'd recommend therapy, because breaking the habits of childhood is hard.

[Anonymous]

When people get older they often stop 'tolerating' siblings behavior, especially once the parents are passed and the family glue is gone. They don't have to be 'glued' to a sibling that has treated them poorly.

I have an older sister who we have all stopped speaking to also. After our parents died, we figured out that we didn't have to put up with her bullying and controlling behavior. She did a couple of 'last straw' incidents and that was it... we kicked her to the curb.

[Anonymous]

You are all a bunch of bullies. I haven’t read anything that the OP said that is so terrible. She is hurting and trying to figure things out.

OP, DCUM is the wrong place to find some guidance. I am one of 5 siblings and in all big families there is always drama. Specially among the ladies of the house. It always hits sooner or later. Grow up, people and enjoy life. I desatach from my family dramas and don’t engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

Well, you need to start developing some empathy--your final paragraph is *still* all about you and your perspective.

And I suspect that your sisters did try to express their struggles, but you were "aloof and caught up in your life issues." When you were sharing all your hopes and dreams and struggles with your "best friends," didn't you notice that they weren't sharing theirs with you? You didn't hear because you never asked. You didn't hear because you weren't listening. Now is your chance to break this pattern, but you have got to get out of your own head. You need to tell your sisters that you know your dynamic growing up was unfair (no excuses about why it was justified) and that you know you were often too caught up in your wants and needs to reach out to them. But you have to mean it, and it sounds like you're still justifying yourself rather than really trying to understand them. So that's the first step--I'd recommend therapy, because breaking the habits of childhood is hard.

What?

OK. Let me get this straight. My sister was already born with good health, good looks, great personality that everyone raved about, good grades, she was doted on from my mother and father for being the "angel child" and she gets to be mad at ME for being caught up in my poor health and multiple illnesses, slightly deformed body due to being born premature, no social skills and being painfully shy and awkward due to my physical appearance?

Seriously?

And I DID talk to her. I would ask her, " what do you want to do with your life?"

"um. I dunno...I'll figure it out I guess"

"Which boy do you like?"

"Ugh. Boys suck."

I tried to get her to open up to me but I didn't even know her because I found out later that she had a whole new world that I wasn't included in. I had no friends and tried so hard to be her best friend. I just wasn't good enough for her, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one likes a perpetual victim...my guess is it's exhausting being around you, OP.

+1 but by your own admission only one has cut you off, still time to repair the damage with the others.

It sounds, OP, that you feel like because you had a certain set of struggles, that your sisters, who did not have those struggles, certainly led charmed lives and had nothing to complain about.

They are adults now so likely have had many struggles crop up along the way. Almost certainly not the same as your struggles but struggles nontheless. A relationship means both sides show empathy for the other. By your own admission you have received a lot of empathy and special attention for your struggles. Have you given your family the same in return when they have had problems? It sounds like you have not. That is not a good way to keep a relationship with anyone.

Op here. I am working hard to not make the mistakes I made with the one sister who is now estranged from me.

I am trying my best to be there for the other sisters and not give them an excuse to leave me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

Well, you need to start developing some empathy--your final paragraph is *still* all about you and your perspective.

And I suspect that your sisters did try to express their struggles, but you were "aloof and caught up in your life issues." When you were sharing all your hopes and dreams and struggles with your "best friends," didn't you notice that they weren't sharing theirs with you? You didn't hear because you never asked. You didn't hear because you weren't listening. Now is your chance to break this pattern, but you have got to get out of your own head. You need to tell your sisters that you know your dynamic growing up was unfair (no excuses about why it was justified) and that you know you were often too caught up in your wants and needs to reach out to them. But you have to mean it, and it sounds like you're still justifying yourself rather than really trying to understand them. So that's the first step--I'd recommend therapy, because breaking the habits of childhood is hard.

What?

OK. Let me get this straight. My sister was already born with good health, good looks, great personality that everyone raved about, good grades, she was doted on from my mother and father for being the "angel child" and she gets to be mad at ME for being caught up in my poor health and multiple illnesses, slightly deformed body due to being born premature, no social skills and being painfully shy and awkward due to my physical appearance?

Seriously?

And I DID talk to her. I would ask her, " what do you want to do with your life?"

"um. I dunno...I'll figure it out I guess"

"Which boy do you like?"

"Ugh. Boys suck."

I tried to get her to open up to me but I didn't even know her because I found out later that she had a whole new world that I wasn't included in. I had no friends and tried so hard to be her best friend. I just wasn't good enough for her, I guess.

Changing your story now OP...you were the angel child per your first post.

One or two questions do not a relationship make, its the day in day out that makes a difference.