Being cut off by a sibling and dealing with the estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

Well, you need to start developing some empathy--your final paragraph is *still* all about you and your perspective.

And I suspect that your sisters did try to express their struggles, but you were "aloof and caught up in your life issues." When you were sharing all your hopes and dreams and struggles with your "best friends," didn't you notice that they weren't sharing theirs with you? You didn't hear because you never asked. You didn't hear because you weren't listening. Now is your chance to break this pattern, but you have got to get out of your own head. You need to tell your sisters that you know your dynamic growing up was unfair (no excuses about why it was justified) and that you know you were often too caught up in your wants and needs to reach out to them. But you have to mean it, and it sounds like you're still justifying yourself rather than really trying to understand them. So that's the first step--I'd recommend therapy, because breaking the habits of childhood is hard.

What?

OK. Let me get this straight. My sister was already born with good health, good looks, great personality that everyone raved about, good grades, she was doted on from my mother and father for being the "angel child" and she gets to be mad at ME for being caught up in my poor health and multiple illnesses, slightly deformed body due to being born premature, no social skills and being painfully shy and awkward due to my physical appearance?

Seriously?

And I DID talk to her. I would ask her, " what do you want to do with your life?"

"um. I dunno...I'll figure it out I guess"

"Which boy do you like?"

"Ugh. Boys suck."

I tried to get her to open up to me but I didn't even know her because I found out later that she had a whole new world that I wasn't included in. I had no friends and tried so hard to be her best friend. I just wasn't good enough for her, I guess.

Changing your story now OP...you were the angel child per your first post.

One or two questions do not a relationship make, its the day in day out that makes a difference.

It is OP.

I am not changing my story. I was the favorite one. She, the one who is now estranged, was the "perfect/angel" one.

My parents didn't give her as much attention as me because she was a happy go lucky kid who didn't need it. She ate her veggies, she made friends easily, she brushed her teeth and went to bed. She was the goody goody.

I was the first, ill child who grew into a depressed, dorky and emo teen.

I was the one my parents were worried about and preoccupied with.

The 'perfect one' grows up early and shoulders responsibilities above their years to meet the excess expectations their parents have for them. They learn to deal with less and to be self sufficient early. This does generally lead to an adult that has it together, but an adult that likely resents their family if they aren't appreciative of the burden they bore.

Growing up feeling like you can't make a mistake because everyone is counting on you is a hard way to grow up too, no matter how pretty you are.

[Anonymous]

15:25 ^^^ In some families, "the perfect one" and the "favorite one" are one in the same. There is no blanket statement for that particular case, but it ends badly.

I know someone who was thought of as the "child who could do no wrong" ("perfect" one??) and was also the "favored one" (blatantly given more expensive gifts on the sly, classes while the other children were given none, and better treatment, in general) and the siblings don't talk to that particular sibling. I can see why, children do not forget those feelings. In spite of that, the other family members were able to make a life for themselves. They never really felt part of the family, but they were together amongst themselves.

The favored sibling grew up to steal, have extreme body dysmorphic disorder, alcoholism, self aggrandizement and other serious mental issues. I don't think anyone would want to trade places with that member of the family for anything. There was so much "stock" put into that family member, all impossible to measure up, and that family member could never detach or have their own identity. They felt detached from what was happening, yet they were told they were "so important", that now they don't know what to do with themselves. Anything they have is completely made up, it's bizarre. Don't get yourself into that situation, it seems impossible to get out of, truly.

[Anonymous]

PP here. To add, the "perfect/favored" one was ALWAYS messing up. Too much pressure, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. To add, the "perfect/favored" one was ALWAYS messing up. Too much pressure, I guess.

I'm 15:25, I'm not sure how what you said relates to me or the OP. My post was about the perfect one bearing their own issues. Some make it out, some don't. Not exactly revolutionary.

OP bottom line, parents shouldn't label your kids, all people have problems, your sisters are people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I think you need to accept that as adults, we can choose the people we spend time with. The reality is that for whatever reasons, your sister/s don’t want to spend time with you anymore. Like the other PPs, I’m finding your victim mentality and constant excuses to be exhausting. And I wasn’t even affected by you growing up. I would be moving on too.

Focus on trying to be a person who adds value to others’ lives and find some friends and let your sisters live their own lives.

+100.
Sad fact is that OP's sisters can decide who they wan to spend time with and who they do not want to spend time with because they are all adults now. Sisters now have the option to include/exclude you and you cannot change that, OP. You just have to accept the fact that sisters all have something against you.
Deal this estrangement by leaving them alone and be happy for them from a distance, can you do that? I mean, if I knew that I am a burden to my siblings, I would limit contact with them from my end because I would not want to inconvenience them and at the same time feel isolated myself when I am with them. You just have to swallow it and start developing your own circle of friends. No more relying on your siblings for the lost friendship (friendship that you may have been able to built had you born healthy kid?)