Being cut off by a sibling and dealing with the estrangement

[Anonymous]

NP. I think you need to accept that as adults, we can choose the people we spend time with. The reality is that for whatever reasons, your sister/s don’t want to spend time with you anymore. Like the other PPs, I’m finding your victim mentality and constant excuses to be exhausting. And I wasn’t even affected by you growing up. I would be moving on too.

Focus on trying to be a person who adds value to others’ lives and find some friends and let your sisters live their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one likes a perpetual victim...my guess is it's exhausting being around you, OP.

+1 but by your own admission only one has cut you off, still time to repair the damage with the others.

It sounds, OP, that you feel like because you had a certain set of struggles, that your sisters, who did not have those struggles, certainly led charmed lives and had nothing to complain about.

They are adults now so likely have had many struggles crop up along the way. Almost certainly not the same as your struggles but struggles nontheless. A relationship means both sides show empathy for the other. By your own admission you have received a lot of empathy and special attention for your struggles. Have you given your family the same in return when they have had problems? It sounds like you have not. That is not a good way to keep a relationship with anyone.

Op here. I am working hard to not make the mistakes I made with the one sister who is now estranged from me.

I am trying my best to be there for the other sisters and not give them an excuse to leave me too.

It is probably difficult but I would try to reframe that in my head to, 'I am trying my best to there for the other sisters so they want to have a relationship with me'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

Well, you need to start developing some empathy--your final paragraph is *still* all about you and your perspective.

And I suspect that your sisters did try to express their struggles, but you were "aloof and caught up in your life issues." When you were sharing all your hopes and dreams and struggles with your "best friends," didn't you notice that they weren't sharing theirs with you? You didn't hear because you never asked. You didn't hear because you weren't listening. Now is your chance to break this pattern, but you have got to get out of your own head. You need to tell your sisters that you know your dynamic growing up was unfair (no excuses about why it was justified) and that you know you were often too caught up in your wants and needs to reach out to them. But you have to mean it, and it sounds like you're still justifying yourself rather than really trying to understand them. So that's the first step--I'd recommend therapy, because breaking the habits of childhood is hard.

What?

OK. Let me get this straight. My sister was already born with good health, good looks, great personality that everyone raved about, good grades, she was doted on from my mother and father for being the "angel child" and she gets to be mad at ME for being caught up in my poor health and multiple illnesses, slightly deformed body due to being born premature, no social skills and being painfully shy and awkward due to my physical appearance?

Seriously?

And I DID talk to her. I would ask her, " what do you want to do with your life?"

"um. I dunno...I'll figure it out I guess"

"Which boy do you like?"

"Ugh. Boys suck."

I tried to get her to open up to me but I didn't even know her because I found out later that she had a whole new world that I wasn't included in. I had no friends and tried so hard to be her best friend. I just wasn't good enough for her, I guess.

Changing your story now OP...you were the angel child per your first post.

One or two questions do not a relationship make, its the day in day out that makes a difference.

I notice that OP's story is evolving too. OP, you know that you were favored by your parents, and possibly unfairly. You sound as if you were a "taker" with your parents and with your sisters. They are tired of being the "givers." One of them is so tired, she doesn't want anything to do with you. You can't even put yourself in her shoes in this thread. I imagine it is a thousand times worse IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one likes a perpetual victim...my guess is it's exhausting being around you, OP.

+1 but by your own admission only one has cut you off, still time to repair the damage with the others.

It sounds, OP, that you feel like because you had a certain set of struggles, that your sisters, who did not have those struggles, certainly led charmed lives and had nothing to complain about.

They are adults now so likely have had many struggles crop up along the way. Almost certainly not the same as your struggles but struggles nontheless. A relationship means both sides show empathy for the other. By your own admission you have received a lot of empathy and special attention for your struggles. Have you given your family the same in return when they have had problems? It sounds like you have not. That is not a good way to keep a relationship with anyone.

Op here. I am working hard to not make the mistakes I made with the one sister who is now estranged from me.

I am trying my best to be there for the other sisters and not give them an excuse to leave me too.

Even in this, there's the refusal to accept that you may bear some responsibility. You still think you're persecuted, that your sister(s) is/are in the wrong, and that anything that happens is someone else's fault. I don't mean to upset you, but I already have found this exhausting in a 3 page thread - I can't imagine living with it in a sibling, and I understand the desire to disengage from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Yes. All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

Well, you need to start developing some empathy--your final paragraph is *still* all about you and your perspective.

And I suspect that your sisters did try to express their struggles, but you were "aloof and caught up in your life issues." When you were sharing all your hopes and dreams and struggles with your "best friends," didn't you notice that they weren't sharing theirs with you? You didn't hear because you never asked. You didn't hear because you weren't listening. Now is your chance to break this pattern, but you have got to get out of your own head. You need to tell your sisters that you know your dynamic growing up was unfair (no excuses about why it was justified) and that you know you were often too caught up in your wants and needs to reach out to them. But you have to mean it, and it sounds like you're still justifying yourself rather than really trying to understand them. So that's the first step--I'd recommend therapy, because breaking the habits of childhood is hard.

What?

OK. Let me get this straight. My sister was already born with good health, good looks, great personality that everyone raved about, good grades, she was doted on from my mother and father for being the "angel child" and she gets to be mad at ME for being caught up in my poor health and multiple illnesses, slightly deformed body due to being born premature, no social skills and being painfully shy and awkward due to my physical appearance?

Seriously?

And I DID talk to her. I would ask her, " what do you want to do with your life?"

"um. I dunno...I'll figure it out I guess"

"Which boy do you like?"

"Ugh. Boys suck."

I tried to get her to open up to me but I didn't even know her because I found out later that she had a whole new world that I wasn't included in. I had no friends and tried so hard to be her best friend. I just wasn't good enough for her, I guess.

Changing your story now OP...you were the angel child per your first post.

One or two questions do not a relationship make, its the day in day out that makes a difference.

It is OP.

I am not changing my story. I was the favorite one. She, the one who is now estranged, was the "perfect/angel" one.

My parents didn't give her as much attention as me because she was a happy go lucky kid who didn't need it. She ate her veggies, she made friends easily, she brushed her teeth and went to bed. She was the goody goody.

I was the first, ill child who grew into a depressed, dorky and emo teen.

I was the one my parents were worried about and preoccupied with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one likes a perpetual victim...my guess is it's exhausting being around you, OP.

+1 but by your own admission only one has cut you off, still time to repair the damage with the others.

It sounds, OP, that you feel like because you had a certain set of struggles, that your sisters, who did not have those struggles, certainly led charmed lives and had nothing to complain about.

They are adults now so likely have had many struggles crop up along the way. Almost certainly not the same as your struggles but struggles nontheless. A relationship means both sides show empathy for the other. By your own admission you have received a lot of empathy and special attention for your struggles. Have you given your family the same in return when they have had problems? It sounds like you have not. That is not a good way to keep a relationship with anyone.

Op here. I am working hard to not make the mistakes I made with the one sister who is now estranged from me.

I am trying my best to be there for the other sisters and not give them an excuse to leave me too.

It is probably difficult but I would try to reframe that in my head to, 'I am trying my best to there for the other sisters so they want to have a relationship with me'

good point. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I think you need to accept that as adults, we can choose the people we spend time with. The reality is that for whatever reasons, your sister/s don’t want to spend time with you anymore. Like the other PPs, I’m finding your victim mentality and constant excuses to be exhausting. And I wasn’t even affected by you growing up. I would be moving on too.

Focus on trying to be a person who adds value to others’ lives and find some friends and let your sisters live their own lives.

I understand this. I think because I was so caught up in my struggles I probably didn't empathize with them as much as I should have.

I am also trying to work on how I can be an asset to a person instead of being the drain.

And I want to let my sister be. She made a very conscious decision not be be affiliated with me anymore.

I am trying to make peace and move on and leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

Well, you need to start developing some empathy--your final paragraph is *still* all about you and your perspective.

And I suspect that your sisters did try to express their struggles, but you were "aloof and caught up in your life issues." When you were sharing all your hopes and dreams and struggles with your "best friends," didn't you notice that they weren't sharing theirs with you? You didn't hear because you never asked. You didn't hear because you weren't listening. Now is your chance to break this pattern, but you have got to get out of your own head. You need to tell your sisters that you know your dynamic growing up was unfair (no excuses about why it was justified) and that you know you were often too caught up in your wants and needs to reach out to them. But you have to mean it, and it sounds like you're still justifying yourself rather than really trying to understand them. So that's the first step--I'd recommend therapy, because breaking the habits of childhood is hard.

What?

OK. Let me get this straight. My sister was already born with good health, good looks, great personality that everyone raved about, good grades, she was doted on from my mother and father for being the "angel child" and she gets to be mad at ME for being caught up in my poor health and multiple illnesses, slightly deformed body due to being born premature, no social skills and being painfully shy and awkward due to my physical appearance?

Seriously?

And I DID talk to her. I would ask her, " what do you want to do with your life?"

"um. I dunno...I'll figure it out I guess"

"Which boy do you like?"

"Ugh. Boys suck."

I tried to get her to open up to me but I didn't even know her because I found out later that she had a whole new world that I wasn't included in. I had no friends and tried so hard to be her best friend. I just wasn't good enough for her, I guess.

Changing your story now OP...you were the angel child per your first post.

One or two questions do not a relationship make, its the day in day out that makes a difference.

It is OP.

I am not changing my story. I was the favorite one. She, the one who is now estranged, was the "perfect/angel" one.

My parents didn't give her as much attention as me because she was a happy go lucky kid who didn't need it. She ate her veggies, she made friends easily, she brushed her teeth and went to bed. She was the goody goody.

I was the first, ill child who grew into a depressed, dorky and emo teen.

I was the one my parents were worried about and preoccupied with.

Just because a child has the appearance of having it all together doesn't mean they don't need support and attention from their parents. You got a disproportionate share of that support and attention, and instead of being willing to acknowledge the unfairness of it, you keep trying to justify it as something you were entitled to and that you deserved. And if we can see that in a few hours, I guarantee you they've been seeing it in spades for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I think you need to accept that as adults, we can choose the people we spend time with. The reality is that for whatever reasons, your sister/s don’t want to spend time with you anymore. Like the other PPs, I’m finding your victim mentality and constant excuses to be exhausting. And I wasn’t even affected by you growing up. I would be moving on too.

Focus on trying to be a person who adds value to others’ lives and find some friends and let your sisters live their own lives.

I understand this. I think because I was so caught up in my struggles I probably didn't empathize with them as much as I should have.

I am also trying to work on how I can be an asset to a person instead of being the drain.

And I want to let my sister be. She made a very conscious decision not be be affiliated with me anymore.

I am trying to make peace and move on and leave her alone.

Have you asked the sisters who are still talking to you how THEY think you can be the best sister you can for them, now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one likes a perpetual victim...my guess is it's exhausting being around you, OP.

+1 but by your own admission only one has cut you off, still time to repair the damage with the others.

It sounds, OP, that you feel like because you had a certain set of struggles, that your sisters, who did not have those struggles, certainly led charmed lives and had nothing to complain about.

They are adults now so likely have had many struggles crop up along the way. Almost certainly not the same as your struggles but struggles nontheless. A relationship means both sides show empathy for the other. By your own admission you have received a lot of empathy and special attention for your struggles. Have you given your family the same in return when they have had problems? It sounds like you have not. That is not a good way to keep a relationship with anyone.

Op here. I am working hard to not make the mistakes I made with the one sister who is now estranged from me.

I am trying my best to be there for the other sisters and not give them an excuse to leave me too.

It is probably difficult but I would try to reframe that in my head to, 'I am trying my best to there for the other sisters so they want to have a relationship with me'

I disagree with this because you're still framing it as OP getting what she wants from them rather than acknowledging that it should be a mutual relationship. I would try to reframe it as "I'm trying my best to be a good sister so that we all want to be there for each other."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes as we grow and mature (and especially when we have kids), we start to recognize that the patterns in our childhood and young adulthood were not healthy. It sounds like this happened with your sisters.

It also sounds like you see yourself as the perpetual victim, someone whose life was so much harder than theirs, someone who needed and continues to need more support. And you relied on your sisters and your parents to provide that. You clearly see them as not needed anything from you, and as having no reason to be jealous of you. I can't be sure, but it's possible that you've always wanted support and attention from them, but been unwilling to offer that yourself, because you see yourself as the one most in need. That dynamic can be exhausting and can really wear at a relationship over time. So while there's no egregious, smoking-gun example of your selfishness and self-centeredness, it's finally reached a breaking point, and you didn't notice because you're used to not noticing your sisters' needs and wants.

Some of this is your parents' fault--parents playing favorites is never a good idea--but you are an adult and you have to take responsibility for your attitudes and choices.

Op here. I hear what you’re saying and I agree. I have acknowledged that my sisters wants and desires were probably ignored. But they never voiced them. I had no idea she had so many years of pent up resentments against me. She let me talk to her as if nothing was wrong for years until she blew up and cut me off. I was aloof and caught up in my life issues. She by all accounts has always thrived. Good health, good looks, did well in school, was always socially successful etc. My parents or I never had any reason to suspect she was hurting because she never made a stink.

By the time she did, she was too angry to sit down and explain.

I’m still flummoxed as to how I truly hurt her. From where I was standing, she had everything. I envied her. I wanted to impress her and be like her. I always thought she was better than me. I never went out of my way to hurt her. It’s like she just resented my existence.

Well, you need to start developing some empathy--your final paragraph is *still* all about you and your perspective.

And I suspect that your sisters did try to express their struggles, but you were "aloof and caught up in your life issues." When you were sharing all your hopes and dreams and struggles with your "best friends," didn't you notice that they weren't sharing theirs with you? You didn't hear because you never asked. You didn't hear because you weren't listening. Now is your chance to break this pattern, but you have got to get out of your own head. You need to tell your sisters that you know your dynamic growing up was unfair (no excuses about why it was justified) and that you know you were often too caught up in your wants and needs to reach out to them. But you have to mean it, and it sounds like you're still justifying yourself rather than really trying to understand them. So that's the first step--I'd recommend therapy, because breaking the habits of childhood is hard.

What?

OK. Let me get this straight. My sister was already born with good health, good looks, great personality that everyone raved about, good grades, she was doted on from my mother and father for being the "angel child" and she gets to be mad at ME for being caught up in my poor health and multiple illnesses, slightly deformed body due to being born premature, no social skills and being painfully shy and awkward due to my physical appearance?

Seriously?

And I DID talk to her. I would ask her, " what do you want to do with your life?"

"um. I dunno...I'll figure it out I guess"

"Which boy do you like?"

"Ugh. Boys suck."

I tried to get her to open up to me but I didn't even know her because I found out later that she had a whole new world that I wasn't included in. I had no friends and tried so hard to be her best friend. I just wasn't good enough for her, I guess.

Changing your story now OP...you were the angel child per your first post.

One or two questions do not a relationship make, its the day in day out that makes a difference.

It is OP.

I am not changing my story. I was the favorite one. She, the one who is now estranged, was the "perfect/angel" one.

My parents didn't give her as much attention as me because she was a happy go lucky kid who didn't need it. She ate her veggies, she made friends easily, she brushed her teeth and went to bed. She was the goody goody.

I was the first, ill child who grew into a depressed, dorky and emo teen.

I was the one my parents were worried about and preoccupied with.

NP. As the "perfect" child I too wanted my parents' attention and worry. I think you aren't seeing that. We ALL have a need for love and equal affection. My sister was always in trouble and it meant I got less.

Do you have kids OP? I hope to raise my kids differently than mine raised me. Don't you see it at all differently now that you have kids? Even the sweet, easy going children have emotions, needs and wants.

[Anonymous]

I wish parents didn’t play favorites- it creates a terrible dynamic. I have a sibling with special needs and I was basically shuffled to the side my whole childhood - it created a stew of resentment, and guilt for feeling resentful, that just made made me want to escape my family the second I could get away. OP I don’t know what to tell you except you need to take responsibility for who you are now- the past has a lot to do with your parents’ choices, but now, you need to have reciprocal relationships- give and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish parents didn’t play favorites- it creates a terrible dynamic. I have a sibling with special needs and I was basically shuffled to the side my whole childhood - it created a stew of resentment, and guilt for feeling resentful, that just made made me want to escape my family the second I could get away. OP I don’t know what to tell you except you need to take responsibility for who you are now- the past has a lot to do with your parents’ choices, but now, you need to have reciprocal relationships- give and take.

I think by now, OP needs to do a lot more give and a lot less take. Don’t think she’s capable of that though. Seems very entitled with no self awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one likes a perpetual victim...my guess is it's exhausting being around you, OP.

+1 but by your own admission only one has cut you off, still time to repair the damage with the others.

It sounds, OP, that you feel like because you had a certain set of struggles, that your sisters, who did not have those struggles, certainly led charmed lives and had nothing to complain about.

They are adults now so likely have had many struggles crop up along the way. Almost certainly not the same as your struggles but struggles nontheless. A relationship means both sides show empathy for the other. By your own admission you have received a lot of empathy and special attention for your struggles. Have you given your family the same in return when they have had problems? It sounds like you have not. That is not a good way to keep a relationship with anyone.

Op here. I am working hard to not make the mistakes I made with the one sister who is now estranged from me.

I am trying my best to be there for the other sisters and not give them an excuse to leave me too.

Therapy, OP. You have GOT to stop framing things like you are a victim.

You have a lot to learn about empathy for people even if you consider them perfect. You are really, really having trouble putting yourself in their shoes, and you are still seeing your relationship with your sisters as how it all affects you (ie, them leaving you), instead of focusing on giving and empathizing.