I have a hall pass

[Anonymous]

Not sure whether to use.
Long story short.
In the first couple of years of dating, my wife cheated on me (had sex with someone else) We had a bad relationship and were on the brinks. I then cheated as well (only made out with someone)
We patched things up, became really honest with each other (both had some issues with building barriers) and our relationship flourished since then. That was 9 years ago now. We've been faithful to each other, and have built a good life.
But suddenly her sex with someone else started bothering me. Maybe i got the itch. I told her, and she gave me a hall pass for a ONS (she hates it, and hopes I never use it, and doesn't want to know if it ever happens) She trusts that it won't be emotional etc.

I don't really want to use it, but have thought about it recently. It's just so sleazy. We have a pretty good sex life as well, pretty much daily...no kids.

But I do hate that she did that to me back then and I want to get "even"

What do you think of a hall pass. And please keep the personal attacks to a minimum and also don't tell me to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Could you use a high end call girl or something just to keep it purely sexual? Why not if you have the HP. I don't see a big issue with this given what you described above.

[Anonymous]

Your relationship is over and sounds like it has been over for a while. I won’t say you need to divorce but you need not to be married to each other

[Anonymous]

I think it's gross. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

You were just dating when she “cheated”? She probably just needed to get it out of her system. But you jus can’t get the image out of your mind along with the betrayal. I get it. But don’t take the Hall pass. Leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

You don't get to post on a public forum and control the resposes so it fits what you want to hear.

Even if you stay married your marriage is over.

1. Functionally married couples to hold past wrongs against each other

2. Functionally married couples don't try to "get even' with each other

3. Functionally married couples don't pressure their spouses into agreeing to do something that will be hurtful to them.

4. If you are interested in not being dysfunctional you and your wife need therapy both individually and together.

[Anonymous]

Dude.Come on. You weren't married when it happened and you halfway cheated yourself. And now, suddenly, out it is bothering you?

Clearly something else is going on. What kind of person after 9 years of a supposedly good marriage wants "to get even?"

You are looking for something else here or avoiding another problem, and this will not help anything.

I almost really hope this isn't a real post. Are there really people like you out there>

[Anonymous]

You sound vindictive.

[Anonymous]

OP, your problem is that you do not have anyone to use your hallpass with. Your DW had someone who was willing to have sex with her. You don't have anyone for a ONS. That's what is bothering you.

[Anonymous]

Your relationship isn’t flourishing if you feel the need to “get even” - either divorce or work to get over this without the hall pass. I’m not against open marriages or hall passes - but your situation is all kinds of f-ed up. Perhaps you are self-destructive? Life is complex enough as it is without blowing things up deliberately.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't have anyone...yet? OP needs to tells us age, physique and general looks standard.

[Anonymous]

Use it but don't abuse it.

[Anonymous]

If your wife “hates it” you already know the answer and you won’t get permission here. That’s not to excuse your wife’s affair by any means. But why do something that will rock a relationship that has already been through hard times.

[Anonymous]

OP Here.

I am 100 percent real. And yes. I mean we've been together almost 12 years now. I love her. We love spending time together. We have a functionally good marriage and tell each other pretty much everything. But the betrayal still hurts even though we weren't married and i wasn't the best bf.

I actually turned down a woman once that just wanted sex at a conference. Flat out asked me. Told her I was with someone, and that was that.

I don't believe in she's "the one" etc crap. We work well together. SHe knows what she did was wrong. PErhaps she is trying to lessen her guilt by saying yes.

I also didn't say i would use it. I actually probably will never use it mainly because i don't want to ruin what we have. I wasn't the best bf at the time and i know it. It was still no reason for her to do what she did.

But I just wanted to see what people thought, knowing full well the responses DCUM offers up.

[Anonymous]

Grow up and get over it. Tell your wife you are tearing up the pass and get on with your life. When we were dating I slept with a guy because my now DH and I were not in a committed relationship - in other words before we used the love word. Once we were committed monogamy has ruled.