Can you accept being "just roommates" with a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Here's the scenario. DH mad because we fight too much. All our fights probably stem with me- him prioritizing his friends, no affection, sex about 10 times in the past 5 years. In our 40s, 2 kids. If I can truly accept that we are roommates and co-parents only, I think I can release all the pent up anger and resentment I feel.

Is it worth it to keep the family in place, and accept that I may never have intimacy in my life again? We got married in our 30s so maybe I should accept that part of my life is over? We are in therapy, and this is the only conclusion I have been able to draw. Unfortunately, he has very little sex drive so I don't see that being on the table again. Maybe on my birthday or something if I beg. I just hate the idea of ripping my family apart because I'm so needy.

And it won't be easy to accept, but I think I can do it. I guess my question is, should I? Affairs outside of the marriage are out of the question.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you can't have sex with someone else if you guys decide to treat your marriage as a roommate relationship. Be discreet and safe, and go get laid.

[Anonymous]

Not worth it. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't have sex with someone else if you guys decide to treat your marriage as a roommate relationship. Be discreet and safe, and go get laid.

I wish I could. But I'm a terrible liar and wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a double life.

[Anonymous]

for me, and if I were in your shoes, there are only two options: (i) open up the marriage or (ii) divorce

can't imagine living a "married" life with close to zero intimacy

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? It may be easier to accept the lack of intimacy if it's for a limited period of time. If you decide that you will divorce when the youngest turns 18, then you can slog through as roommates knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, invest more in yourself. Do what you would do if you were single and living with a roommate. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, strengthen the bonds of your female friendships. Save money like crazy and get yourself into great shape so you're ready to date the minute you separate.

[Anonymous]

There's a bit too much emotional baggage to wind up with a happy, purely room-mate relationship, OP. I don't know anyone who has done this who is content with the situation. Mostly it's that they can't divorce for some reason or other.

[Anonymous]

I divorced from this situation. I’m now in an amazing fulfilling relationship I never dreamed I would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? It may be easier to accept the lack of intimacy if it's for a limited period of time. If you decide that you will divorce when the youngest turns 18, then you can slog through as roommates knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, invest more in yourself. Do what you would do if you were single and living with a roommate. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, strengthen the bonds of your female friendships. Save money like crazy and get yourself into great shape so you're ready to date the minute you separate.

OP here. This is what I am pondering exactly. It is 7 years away, and then I can leave with finanical stability and get on with it. But I'm not sure if that is too long.

He finds the roommate situation to be normal for a marriage, so we can't jointly decide to divorce at that time, it would be me keeping it to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the scenario. DH mad because we fight too much. All our fights probably stem with me- him prioritizing his friends, no affection, sex about 10 times in the past 5 years. In our 40s, 2 kids. If I can truly accept that we are roommates and co-parents only, I think I can release all the pent up anger and resentment I feel.

Is it worth it to keep the family in place, and accept that I may never have intimacy in my life again? We got married in our 30s so maybe I should accept that part of my life is over? We are in therapy, and this is the only conclusion I have been able to draw. Unfortunately, he has very little sex drive so I don't see that being on the table again. Maybe on my birthday or something if I beg. I just hate the idea of ripping my family apart because I'm so needy.

And it won't be easy to accept, but I think I can do it. I guess my question is, should I? Affairs outside of the marriage are out of the question.

Did he convince you that you're too needy? You beg for sex? Honey.... no. Open marriage or divorce. You need love, connection, companionship, intimacy, and sex. That isn't needy. That is having needs. And that is natural and good.

[Anonymous]

In the same situation. But we have a tiny baby, so I would have to stay for 17 more years. Too long I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't have sex with someone else if you guys decide to treat your marriage as a roommate relationship. Be discreet and safe, and go get laid.

I wish I could. But I'm a terrible liar and wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a double life.

So don’t lie about it and no double life. Just announce to him the marriage is Open. Do you know any attractive men who are married? Assume their wives also don’t have any sex drive. Pick one of those men, or just take your time and enjoy all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? It may be easier to accept the lack of intimacy if it's for a limited period of time. If you decide that you will divorce when the youngest turns 18, then you can slog through as roommates knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, invest more in yourself. Do what you would do if you were single and living with a roommate. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, strengthen the bonds of your female friendships. Save money like crazy and get yourself into great shape so you're ready to date the minute you separate.

OP here. This is what I am pondering exactly. It is 7 years away, and then I can leave with finanical stability and get on with it. But I'm not sure if that is too long.

He finds the roommate situation to be normal for a marriage, so we can't jointly decide to divorce at that time, it would be me keeping it to myself.

PP here. I have a friend who is doing the same thing, but for different reasons. (Her husband is cruel to her. He doesn't know she has already initiated her plan to leave.) Seven years is not really that long. Focus on getting the support and emotional intimacy you need from friends and family. That will help you get through it. Dedicating yourself to a really rewarding hobby will also help a lot. Stay busy. And get active in social activities where you might be able to meet people when you are single again.

It's ok that you and your husband want different things from a marriage. Neither of you are bad. Just different. Protect the kids and prepare for the time when you can both be free to seek partners that are a better fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't have sex with someone else if you guys decide to treat your marriage as a roommate relationship. Be discreet and safe, and go get laid.

I wish I could. But I'm a terrible liar and wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a double life.

So don’t lie about it and no double life. Just announce to him the marriage is Open. Do you know any attractive men who are married? Assume their wives also don’t have any sex drive. Pick one of those men, or just take your time and enjoy all of them.

He wouldn't be OK with that, he thinks everything is normal as long as we don't fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the same situation. But we have a tiny baby, so I would have to stay for 17 more years. Too long I think.

OP here- I truly hope you can make it better. Maybe things are off because of the baby? Unfortunately in my case it didn't work, but maybe you guys have a shot. Sometimes I think if we had done therapy sooner we could have made it work, although if one person really has a low sex drive I don't know if that can be remedied.

How was his sex drive before marriage/kids? In my case, I think deep down I knew it was off, but I just ignored it. Ignorance of the young!