Can you accept being "just roommates" with a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't have sex with someone else if you guys decide to treat your marriage as a roommate relationship. Be discreet and safe, and go get laid.

I wish I could. But I'm a terrible liar and wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a double life.

So don’t lie about it and no double life. Just announce to him the marriage is Open. Do you know any attractive men who are married? Assume their wives also don’t have any sex drive. Pick one of those men, or just take your time and enjoy all of them.

He wouldn't be OK with that, he thinks everything is normal as long as we don't fight.

He's nuts. The absolute only way I could tolerate a marriage like that is if it were open. Sex in your 40s is way to good to miss out on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

You mean you ended your marriage. Call it what you want but an "open marriage" by definition is not a marriage.

The marriage ended long before it was opened up. If one person abandons intimacy, they've just friends zoned the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I was saddened to read your post, but in some ways, have to say that I see this happen quite often. Doesn't make it acceptable in every situation, but sometimes couples reach that point in time where they are stuck, and have lost their enthusiasm to connect at deeper levels.

This is an emotional crossroads you are facing, and one that depends on his participation. Do you think he has backed away because he is self conscious of his own inabilities? Sexually and otherwise?

I don't see how a marriage can maintain itself, or move forward, without some level of communication. It's so much easier to hide behind silence than expose ourselves though meaningful conversation. Somehow the raw truth surfaces, and a person has to face themselves. This can be very intimidating or painful for some.

Rather than come to any final conclusion right now, give yourself some time to allow any changes that can occur through counseling. I know this can't be easy for you, but maybe there are some options out there you haven't thought of. Working through the deepest and most vulnerable parts of who we are can be time consuming, and I hope your husband will be open to the idea of at least trying to meet you where you are.

If you feel separate counseling would be beneficial for you at this time, don't be afraid to consider seeking out some Christian counseling, maybe through a Bible believing church in your area. They will give you the best advice.

Here is a link that might help you decide where to go and what to look for. http://bit.ly/2Cppv5b

My hope and prayer for you is that as you seek God for His guidance and direction, He will supply the answers you need to keep your marriage growing.

[Anonymous]

Christian counseling? How do you even know OP is a Christian?

[Anonymous]

That’s the type of relationship I’m in now - roommates. I’m not an emotionally needy person (not judging) and am now used to no sex, so have made it work. We haven’t had sex in almost 12 years - husband is low T.

If I divorced, I wouldn’t be interested in ever being in a relationship again, so I don’t see an advantage in doing so and radically affecting my child’s life. I like my husband and we get along well, just no intimacy/sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Christian counseling? How do you even know OP is a Christian?

Never assumed she was a Christian. You don't need to be a Christian to seek their wise counsel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Christian counseling? How do you even know OP is a Christian?

Never assumed she was a Christian. You don't need to be a Christian to seek their wise counsel.

[Anonymous]

You are not needy! You are a normal person with normal needs. If you can divorce or tell him you will seek AP, and have an open marriage. Why would you live like an empty shell with a person who doesn't care about you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s the type of relationship I’m in now - roommates. I’m not an emotionally needy person (not judging) and am now used to no sex, so have made it work. We haven’t had sex in almost 12 years - husband is low T.

If I divorced, I wouldn’t be interested in ever being in a relationship again, so I don’t see an advantage in doing so and radically affecting my child’s life. I like my husband and we get along well, just no intimacy/sex.

Are you sure he is lowT, or just no longer attracted? And have you both lost attraction for each other?

Do you meet your own intimacy ways elsewhere (vibrator, masturbation) to stay monogamous? Sexual needs are a thing and you are within reason to want to have them met

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a male in that situation. I want to have sex all the time, my wife would rather watch TV, work or do anything else except be intimate with me. I always am a last priority to everyone and everything including her job.

She’s made it clear any intimate time with me is not in her agenda. I’m not fat, in shape, good hygiene, college educated good job...etc. It is always some excuse, but yet she’ll find the time to do something she likes or hang out with her friends. Never too busy for that, just too busy for the one thing that helps hold a marriage together.

Anyways, go do stuff that makes you happy. I’ve been doing that. Going out a lot more with friends, doing what I want to do when I want to do it as long as it’s not interfering with the kid’s activities too much, working out harder, joined some social groups and spent more time reading. I refuse to be around someone who seems to make time for everything else except their husband. It’s not a long term solution but it does out stuff into perspective. For me, it’s I’m better off alone then like this.

OP here- that is what I have been doing, but doesn't it make you sad to share a home with someone that refuses any sort of intimacy? Accepting the situation is not going down easily on my end. But separation seems like the only other option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a male in that situation. I want to have sex all the time, my wife would rather watch TV, work or do anything else except be intimate with me. I always am a last priority to everyone and everything including her job.

She’s made it clear any intimate time with me is not in her agenda. I’m not fat, in shape, good hygiene, college educated good job...etc. It is always some excuse, but yet she’ll find the time to do something she likes or hang out with her friends. Never too busy for that, just too busy for the one thing that helps hold a marriage together.

Anyways, go do stuff that makes you happy. I’ve been doing that. Going out a lot more with friends, doing what I want to do when I want to do it as long as it’s not interfering with the kid’s activities too much, working out harder, joined some social groups and spent more time reading. I refuse to be around someone who seems to make time for everything else except their husband. It’s not a long term solution but it does out stuff into perspective. For me, it’s I’m better off alone then like this.

But you’re still not having sex.

He will, it will be with the first woman who pays him the right attention

[Anonymous]

Can you accept being "just roommates" with a spouse?

Not one who is a complete slob, totally unreliable, breaks things non-stop, and lets the kids walk all over him. Terrible roommate. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s the type of relationship I’m in now - roommates. I’m not an emotionally needy person (not judging) and am now used to no sex, so have made it work. We haven’t had sex in almost 12 years - husband is low T.

If I divorced, I wouldn’t be interested in ever being in a relationship again, so I don’t see an advantage in doing so and radically affecting my child’s life. I like my husband and we get along well, just no intimacy/sex.

Are you sure he is lowT, or just no longer attracted? And have you both lost attraction for each other?

Do you meet your own intimacy ways elsewhere (vibrator, masturbation) to stay monogamous? Sexual needs are a thing and you are within reason to want to have them met

PP: he is low-t (diagnosed) and we never had a very active sex life and I knew that when I married him. Since we’ve only had sex twice since getting married, I’d hope he was attracted to me when we married. I do handle things myself. I am a major introvert and don’t have that need to “connect” with people, which I think is a benefit in this situation.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

You mean you ended your marriage. Call it what you want but an "open marriage" by definition is not a marriage.

The marriage ended long before it was opened up. If one person abandons intimacy, they've just friends zoned the marriage.

Yeah. DH and I are great friends and get along well, just no sex and we don't want a divorce. We've been married for a long time and have kids.

My AP is similar. Married his college sweetheart. But no sex for years and neither wants a divorce. No kids either.