Can you accept being "just roommates" with a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? It may be easier to accept the lack of intimacy if it's for a limited period of time. If you decide that you will divorce when the youngest turns 18, then you can slog through as roommates knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, invest more in yourself. Do what you would do if you were single and living with a roommate. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, strengthen the bonds of your female friendships. Save money like crazy and get yourself into great shape so you're ready to date the minute you separate.

OP here. This is what I am pondering exactly. It is 7 years away, and then I can leave with finanical stability and get on with it. But I'm not sure if that is too long.

He finds the roommate situation to be normal for a marriage, so we can't jointly decide to divorce at that time, it would be me keeping it to myself.

PP here. I have a friend who is doing the same thing, but for different reasons. (Her husband is cruel to her. He doesn't know she has already initiated her plan to leave.) Seven years is not really that long. Focus on getting the support and emotional intimacy you need from friends and family. That will help you get through it. Dedicating yourself to a really rewarding hobby will also help a lot. Stay busy. And get active in social activities where you might be able to meet people when you are single again.

It's ok that you and your husband want different things from a marriage. Neither of you are bad. Just different. Protect the kids and prepare for the time when you can both be free to seek partners that are a better fit.

Wow, this is amazing to hear. Yes, I just started becoming very busy which I think helps. I made up a schedule for the kids so I don't do 100% of weekday pick-ups/activities anymore and I can get out after work and pursue other interests. He is OK with doing more kid pick-ups. So I do have a lot of freedom now that I didn't have even a few months ago. If I can suck it up for 7 years I have so many more options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? It may be easier to accept the lack of intimacy if it's for a limited period of time. If you decide that you will divorce when the youngest turns 18, then you can slog through as roommates knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, invest more in yourself. Do what you would do if you were single and living with a roommate. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, strengthen the bonds of your female friendships. Save money like crazy and get yourself into great shape so you're ready to date the minute you separate.

OP here. This is what I am pondering exactly. It is 7 years away, and then I can leave with finanical stability and get on with it. But I'm not sure if that is too long.

He finds the roommate situation to be normal for a marriage, so we can't jointly decide to divorce at that time, it would be me keeping it to myself.

PP here. I have a friend who is doing the same thing, but for different reasons. (Her husband is cruel to her. He doesn't know she has already initiated her plan to leave.) Seven years is not really that long. Focus on getting the support and emotional intimacy you need from friends and family. That will help you get through it. Dedicating yourself to a really rewarding hobby will also help a lot. Stay busy. And get active in social activities where you might be able to meet people when you are single again.

It's ok that you and your husband want different things from a marriage. Neither of you are bad. Just different. Protect the kids and prepare for the time when you can both be free to seek partners that are a better fit.

Wow, this is amazing to hear. Yes, I just started becoming very busy which I think helps. I made up a schedule for the kids so I don't do 100% of weekday pick-ups/activities anymore and I can get out after work and pursue other interests. He is OK with doing more kid pick-ups. So I do have a lot of freedom now that I didn't have even a few months ago. If I can suck it up for 7 years I have so many more options.

PP again. You will find that when you accept that you are just different (no blame, no recrimination), and you stop seeking what you need from someone who can't give it, and once you have a plan to ensure that it won't be like this forever, then the anger will dissipate and you and your DH will stop fighting. You may actually end up as better coparents and even really good friends. (As hard as that may be to imagine right now.)

Just accept it. Stop asking him to be what he can't be. Then make provisions to get your needs met (within the boundaries you currently have) and look to the future. You can do this. You may even find that the next seven years are the best you'll get from your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced from this situation. I’m now in an amazing fulfilling relationship I never dreamed I would have.

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? It may be easier to accept the lack of intimacy if it's for a limited period of time. If you decide that you will divorce when the youngest turns 18, then you can slog through as roommates knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, invest more in yourself. Do what you would do if you were single and living with a roommate. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, strengthen the bonds of your female friendships. Save money like crazy and get yourself into great shape so you're ready to date the minute you separate.

OP here. This is what I am pondering exactly. It is 7 years away, and then I can leave with finanical stability and get on with it. But I'm not sure if that is too long.

He finds the roommate situation to be normal for a marriage, so we can't jointly decide to divorce at that time, it would be me keeping it to myself.

PP here. I have a friend who is doing the same thing, but for different reasons. (Her husband is cruel to her. He doesn't know she has already initiated her plan to leave.) Seven years is not really that long. Focus on getting the support and emotional intimacy you need from friends and family. That will help you get through it. Dedicating yourself to a really rewarding hobby will also help a lot. Stay busy. And get active in social activities where you might be able to meet people when you are single again.

It's ok that you and your husband want different things from a marriage. Neither of you are bad. Just different. Protect the kids and prepare for the time when you can both be free to seek partners that are a better fit.

Wow, this is amazing to hear. Yes, I just started becoming very busy which I think helps. I made up a schedule for the kids so I don't do 100% of weekday pick-ups/activities anymore and I can get out after work and pursue other interests. He is OK with doing more kid pick-ups. So I do have a lot of freedom now that I didn't have even a few months ago. If I can suck it up for 7 years I have so many more options.

PP again. You will find that when you accept that you are just different (no blame, no recrimination), and you stop seeking what you need from someone who can't give it, and once you have a plan to ensure that it won't be like this forever, then the anger will dissipate and you and your DH will stop fighting. You may actually end up as better coparents and even really good friends. (As hard as that may be to imagine right now.)

Just accept it. Stop asking him to be what he can't be. Then make provisions to get your needs met (within the boundaries you currently have) and look to the future. You can do this. You may even find that the next seven years are the best you'll get from your marriage.

This is what I want to do. I don't know if I have the strength! And you are so right- I am asking him to be "marriage guy", but he is not. I need to put my big girl pants on and face it. Can we be friends?

[Anonymous]

Not for me. I wanted an actual relationship, so I left and now I have an actual relationship. My kids were fine. They love their stepdad almost as much as they love their dad. My husband is a great guy, a loving husband, and neither of us have ever felt anything like the way we feel together. Had I not left my ex-husband, we'd all be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Open marriage or divorce when the youngest turns 18. Or both.

[Anonymous]

We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

[Anonymous]

I would wait until the kids were off to college, then dump him. Start hiding money now. Just a few hundred in cash here and there.

[Anonymous]

Only you can decide what's right for you/what you can tolerate.

I couldn't live that way. I was in a similar situation and after a few fights, we had a sit down and addressed our positions. We reach an acceptable compromise which led to renewed interest and now it's no longer an issue.

[Anonymous]

Is there a chance your DH is gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance your DH is gay?

Or he could be low drive or asexual.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that. My H also had a very low sex drive. Married to him 25 years, the last ten very little sex, the last five, zero sex. It never occurred to me to leave him most of that time, we got along fine, he was/is a great dad to our two kids, we did not fight and actually had good times together, especially family stuff, right up to the end.

I did not seek sex outside the marriage until the last year. It did not seem like cheating because how do you cheat in a relationship with zero sex? And by the way, when I stopped initiating the sex totally dried up. I felt very undesirable but did not want to implode my kids' lives. So anyway, when my youngest was almost 18 I dabbled in some other men, which was great. One of them, ironically, convinced me that if I was going to do that I should leave him and get a divorce. So I did.

That was twenty years ago. He and I are friends to this day. I had other relationships in that time although I am not in one now, but I have felt all along that I would choose to be alone rather than be in a sexless relationship like that.

[Anonymous]

No


Even though I detested DW. I still wanted sex. And she didn’t. And didn’t care if she never had sex again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that. My H also had a very low sex drive. Married to him 25 years, the last ten very little sex, the last five, zero sex. It never occurred to me to leave him most of that time, we got along fine, he was/is a great dad to our two kids, we did not fight and actually had good times together, especially family stuff, right up to the end.

I did not seek sex outside the marriage until the last year. It did not seem like cheating because how do you cheat in a relationship with zero sex? And by the way, when I stopped initiating the sex totally dried up. I felt very undesirable but did not want to implode my kids' lives. So anyway, when my youngest was almost 18 I dabbled in some other men, which was great. One of them, ironically, convinced me that if I was going to do that I should leave him and get a divorce. So I did.

That was twenty years ago. He and I are friends to this day. I had other relationships in that time although I am not in one now, but I have felt all along that I would choose to be alone rather than be in a sexless relationship like that.

. Did your ex ever explain his behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that. My H also had a very low sex drive. Married to him 25 years, the last ten very little sex, the last five, zero sex. It never occurred to me to leave him most of that time, we got along fine, he was/is a great dad to our two kids, we did not fight and actually had good times together, especially family stuff, right up to the end.

I did not seek sex outside the marriage until the last year. It did not seem like cheating because how do you cheat in a relationship with zero sex? And by the way, when I stopped initiating the sex totally dried up. I felt very undesirable but did not want to implode my kids' lives. So anyway, when my youngest was almost 18 I dabbled in some other men, which was great. One of them, ironically, convinced me that if I was going to do that I should leave him and get a divorce. So I did.

That was twenty years ago. He and I are friends to this day. I had other relationships in that time although I am not in one now, but I have felt all along that I would choose to be alone rather than be in a sexless relationship like that.

. Did your ex ever explain his behavior?

Although he seemed to have a normal sex drive in the beginning it waned after a few years. I was young and had little to compare him to. What I eventually realized was that he really just had a low sex drive. There was nothing for him to explain. When I decided to seek a divorce I first asked him if he wanted to go to counseling but he said no. He said he did not think he would change and did not think I wanted to change so what was the point? By that time we were not getting along great, meaning we disagreed about some financial issues and other minor things. When I would ask him why he thought we never had sex he said stuff like "We are both too busy" and "It's hard to find time" and "I'm always so tired" all of which was lame. I said, "If we wanted to we would find time" and he had nothing to say to that. I mean, think about five years, no sex. That's a marriage that is pretty much over, it just needs someone to say so. After we split I found my own sex drive was normal/high and his appeared to stay low, to this day.