Can you accept being "just roommates" with a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't have sex with someone else if you guys decide to treat your marriage as a roommate relationship. Be discreet and safe, and go get laid.

I wish I could. But I'm a terrible liar and wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a double life.

So don’t lie about it and no double life. Just announce to him the marriage is Open. Do you know any attractive men who are married? Assume their wives also don’t have any sex drive. Pick one of those men, or just take your time and enjoy all of them.

He wouldn't be OK with that, he thinks everything is normal as long as we don't fight.

Who cares what he’s ok with? You aren’t ok as room mates. Even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't have sex with someone else if you guys decide to treat your marriage as a roommate relationship. Be discreet and safe, and go get laid.

I wish I could. But I'm a terrible liar and wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a double life.

So don’t lie about it and no double life. Just announce to him the marriage is Open. Do you know any attractive men who are married? Assume their wives also don’t have any sex drive. Pick one of those men, or just take your time and enjoy all of them.

He wouldn't be OK with that, he thinks everything is normal as long as we don't fight.

Who cares what he’s ok with? You aren’t ok as room mates. Even.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Seems like you are letting him be the veto player here because of his "strong feelings" that this is normal and you should just accept it. Well, it isn't normal. Honestly it's not. Tell him in your therapy session that you no longer intend to entertain this idea that not having intimacy in married life is normal. It's okay if you want to tell him you would prefer for sex and intimacy to be with him, but add that if he is not interested, you intend to find it elsewhere (if neither of you wants to divorce)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the same situation. But we have a tiny baby, so I would have to stay for 17 more years. Too long I think.

OP here- I truly hope you can make it better. Maybe things are off because of the baby? Unfortunately in my case it didn't work, but maybe you guys have a shot. Sometimes I think if we had done therapy sooner we could have made it work, although if one person really has a low sex drive I don't know if that can be remedied.

If low testosterone is the cause, then TRT is the remedy. Though often wives of former low T men can't adjust to the new high-drive husband once he starts TRT.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure a porn addiction isn't behind his low drive? It was for me and getting that fixed changed me. intimacy, sex returned. We are still married about six years after I hit bottom.

[Anonymous]

I’m a male in that situation. I want to have sex all the time, my wife would rather watch TV, work or do anything else except be intimate with me. I always am a last priority to everyone and everything including her job.

She’s made it clear any intimate time with me is not in her agenda. I’m not fat, in shape, good hygiene, college educated good job...etc. It is always some excuse, but yet she’ll find the time to do something she likes or hang out with her friends. Never too busy for that, just too busy for the one thing that helps hold a marriage together.

Anyways, go do stuff that makes you happy. I’ve been doing that. Going out a lot more with friends, doing what I want to do when I want to do it as long as it’s not interfering with the kid’s activities too much, working out harder, joined some social groups and spent more time reading. I refuse to be around someone who seems to make time for everything else except their husband. It’s not a long term solution but it does out stuff into perspective. For me, it’s I’m better off alone then like this.

[Anonymous]

Why do people have children with spouses they are not compatible with? Are you hoping they'll change after kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you can't have sex with someone else if you guys decide to treat your marriage as a roommate relationship. Be discreet and safe, and go get laid.

What pitiful low class advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

Please tell us more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

Please tell us more.

Do you still have sex as a couple?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

You mean you ended your marriage. Call it what you want but an "open marriage" by definition is not a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a male in that situation. I want to have sex all the time, my wife would rather watch TV, work or do anything else except be intimate with me. I always am a last priority to everyone and everything including her job.

She’s made it clear any intimate time with me is not in her agenda. I’m not fat, in shape, good hygiene, college educated good job...etc. It is always some excuse, but yet she’ll find the time to do something she likes or hang out with her friends. Never too busy for that, just too busy for the one thing that helps hold a marriage together.

Anyways, go do stuff that makes you happy. I’ve been doing that. Going out a lot more with friends, doing what I want to do when I want to do it as long as it’s not interfering with the kid’s activities too much, working out harder, joined some social groups and spent more time reading. I refuse to be around someone who seems to make time for everything else except their husband. It’s not a long term solution but it does out stuff into perspective. For me, it’s I’m better off alone then like this.

But you’re still not having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? It may be easier to accept the lack of intimacy if it's for a limited period of time. If you decide that you will divorce when the youngest turns 18, then you can slog through as roommates knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, invest more in yourself. Do what you would do if you were single and living with a roommate. Focus on your career, take up a new hobby, strengthen the bonds of your female friendships. Save money like crazy and get yourself into great shape so you're ready to date the minute you separate.

OP here. This is what I am pondering exactly. It is 7 years away, and then I can leave with finanical stability and get on with it. But I'm not sure if that is too long.

He finds the roommate situation to be normal for a marriage, so we can't jointly decide to divorce at that time, it would be me keeping it to myself.

No. Seven years is a lifetime for woman your age. If aren’t willing/able to enjoy sex with someone else while you wait for your divorce, get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

Please tell us more.

Most likely, she is having sex with lots of men and he's getting nothing. That's how most so-called "open marriages" work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

Please tell us more.

Most likely, she is having sex with lots of men and he's getting nothing. That's how most so-called "open marriages" work.

No, not when the guy is hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We opened up our marriage. DH and I are much happier.

You mean you ended your marriage. Call it what you want but an "open marriage" by definition is not a marriage.

You don’t get to define other people’s marriage.