High Achieving Parent With Average/Below-Average Kids

[Anonymous]

So, I am admittedly a Type-A overachiever parent, which is both good and bad for a variety of reasons. But I am having some internal struggles because both of my two kids are solidly average or below-average students. Of course, I love them and am proud of their achievements and strengths (the below-average student is artistic and creative. The average student is resilient and athletic). But I also feel some sense of disappointment that they (probably) won't be the kids who go to top notch high schools, private schools, or first or second tier colleges. At least if what I am seeing now holds true. Maybe it's a DC area thing, where test scores and numerical assessments are golden and define a kid - from SOLs to NNAT to COGAT to WISC even before the SSAT, but most of the parents and colleagues in my social/professional circles have kids who are in AAP in elementary or honors in Middle or applying to TJ or Sidwell or have their sights set on UVA or VA Tech or these other high achieving schools. I really want that for my children, because it is what I had, and it opened so many doors for me academically and professionally, but I just don't know if it will be for them. they are in late elementary now, and nowhere near honors or AAP. I am happy they are passing in the general pop. LOL. I'm not sure what I am asking in this post, but I wonder if others have similar experiences and what you are doing to help figure it out? Are you lowering standards? Are you pushing hard with tutors? I haven't done those things yet, because i want them to be happy and well rounded. But they just aren't strong students.

[Anonymous]

OP, please raise the children you have, not the children you wish you had, or you expected to have, or other people have.

[Anonymous]

They are teaching you OP.

[Anonymous]

You are lucky they have other interests besides academic. Not always the case, I can tell you. Be grateful.

[Anonymous]

I think I get what you are asking for in your post. DH & I are similar, highly educated and high achieving and in many ways don't know how to parent middle of the road achievement wise (but otherwise delightful) kids. The advice we've received is similar to what the PPs above are saying, but it is hard in this super competitive area to have perspective and know that our kids are going to find THEIR path, even if it looks nothing like ours.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should move to an environment where you will be surrounded by mostly the average. You can be awesome without going to Yale. I work for a law partner who went to a law school I'd never even heard of, but the guy is a rainmaker who is very happily married, has lots of friends, and is very well off. Total success. No client has ever asked how many times he took the bar to pass it.

Also, consider that the world NEEDS average people. One of my cousins edits accounting books. Dull, right? But he also makes his own beer, writes and directs plays and travels with his wife a lot. My other cousin teaches 1st grade and has three kids. Her husband does IT work. You NEED there to be a manager at Home Depot. You NEED someone to own the clothing shop you go to. You NEED the nurses in the hospitals. Everyone can't be the best. Just because your kids aren't academically amazing doesn't mean they're not amazing. There are other awesome things to be. Look at all the posts from people swearing their kids are super smart yet don't have friends, or suffer from anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I really hate people who identify as "Type A." I feel no sympathy for you, OP. I do have sympathy for your kids.

(And I went to a top-10 college.)

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP the world is changing so rapidly we don't know what kinds of skills will be needed. Obviously great critical thinking/reading/writing and arithmetic skills will get anyone ahead but beyond that the future especially with automation means skills that we developed may not be as in demand. As long as you provide your kids with a solid education, teach them a great deal about how to manage/budget time on social media and provide a relatively happy environment they will probably do just fine.

FWIW ours are teens and each have a passion outside of school which has made a world of difference for them. That's great your kids have wide interests. Exposure to new things may lead to a passion(s).

Also, some kids are late bloomers and you can never underestimate hard work and grit's contributions to success.

[Anonymous]

I would NOT worry about it. All of my wealthy friends of high achieving parents are basically living off their trust funds and drinking themselves to death. So, maybe your kids have a shot of a happy, regular life. They'll be forced to work hard despite their privilege, and that is a gift.

[Anonymous]

Adhd?

[Anonymous]

Just keep reminding yourself that your kids are not you, and there are many paths to success.
The important thing is for them is to be happy. I had doors open academically and professionally for me as well, but I came across others who didn't go to the same schools and they still made it work.
If anything, these days I think grad school is the new college, so that lowers some of the college stress.
I don't think it means you're lowering your standards if you take them as they are.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you truly are an overachiever you need to snap out of this immediately. Since it sounds like you started with the proverbial silver spoon on the scale of your test scores, you may not realize it but there are lots of kids who seem average in elementary school but end up doing amazing things. I had a friend who never got a single A in HS who is now a prof at a mid-west flagship university. I have another friend who flunked out of college twice but now teaches engineering at a school whose name you would know. A friend of my wife went to a third tier state school because his HS grades were so poor. He now is a topped out GS-15 fed. My guess is that many of the people you know had more crooked paths through the process than you did.

My point is that you need to start working to help your kids. If you are truly an overachiever, you can figure this problem out. If you can't figure it out, then you too are another of the masses that have had a crooked path of achievement. The point is to push them without anyone ever knowing. They can't know, your spouse and neighbors can't know but you have to create experiences for them that get them to stretch themselves. At their age they don't necessarily have to be stretched academically, it could be athletically or socially. Our kids benefited from going to lots of camps with a variety of themes and intensities every summer. Have they been to sleep over camp yet? Get them some experience living away from home so they build up confidence.

You can do this OP. You may not make them NMFinalists but you certainly can help them be the best version of themselves they can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you truly are an overachiever you need to snap out of this immediately. Since it sounds like you started with the proverbial silver spoon on the scale of your test scores, you may not realize it but there are lots of kids who seem average in elementary school but end up doing amazing things. I had a friend who never got a single A in HS who is now a prof at a mid-west flagship university. I have another friend who flunked out of college twice but now teaches engineering at a school whose name you would know. A friend of my wife went to a third tier state school because his HS grades were so poor. He now is a topped out GS-15 fed. My guess is that many of the people you know had more crooked paths through the process than you did.

My point is that you need to start working to help your kids. If you are truly an overachiever, you can figure this problem out. If you can't figure it out, then you too are another of the masses that have had a crooked path of achievement. The point is to push them without anyone ever knowing. They can't know, your spouse and neighbors can't know but you have to create experiences for them that get them to stretch themselves. At their age they don't necessarily have to be stretched academically, it could be athletically or socially. Our kids benefited from going to lots of camps with a variety of themes and intensities every summer. Have they been to sleep over camp yet? Get them some experience living away from home so they build up confidence.

You can do this OP. You may not make them NMFinalists but you certainly can help them be the best version of themselves they can be.

WTF is this about??? This post started off sane, then got downright creepy.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's this area. You're caught up in the competitiveness of the area and are insecure because you're kids don't 'measure up' to what you and your cronies have determined is 'successful'.

By your standard, I and my family are not successful. I've got an undergrad degree from a midwestern public university and an MBA from George Mason. I work for the federal government. My DH has an undergraduate degree from state public university and works in the service industry. My kids go to FCPS schools that are regularly derided on this forum. They're smart but not gifted. I doubt any of them would every get into an Ivy League and, no matter where (or if) they go to college, we would not incur large debt to send them.

My standard for success is that they are well adjusted, responsible adults who support themselves, have financial stability and enjoy life. There are SO many avenues to accomplish that.I do not define my kids' success by their schooling or profession.

[Anonymous]

My DH's parents were extremely successful in their fields. Mom was a household name in her heyday. But she's a major control artist, narcissist, extremely critical, etc. My DH did well for himself but he's very private and reserved, somewhat aloof. Certainly not one to climb the ladder for external gratification.

You may think your success is something they should strive for, but to them it's something to avoid at all costs.