High Achieving Parent With Average/Below-Average Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sure -- I'm positive the time is coming in the next 40 yrs where doctors, lawyers and bankers will be pointed and laughed at and teachers and insurance claim payers will be revered. Plus it's about money too. And before people go on about -- well the richest people are creative geniuses like Bezos or whatever -- there's nothing you can do to inherently make anyone into a Bezos or an Elon Musk or whatever. Yet any average person can be made into a dr., lawyer or banker -- it simply isn't THAT hard.

If the person wants to.

[Anonymous]

Well, PP, I’m a lawyer with all the stuff you mentioned above, and I’m far from happy.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, who says what is average?

I worked my ass off in middle school to prove to my school district I could achieve more than my standardized test scores said about me. I worked my tail off to teachers that didn't believe in me. You know what? They were wrong, I went to MIT. I was pretty average when it came to test taking at MIT but I was a top student in my field, won numerous awards and grants. If your kids are motivated and work hard, you've done well. Don't listen to standardized tests.

[Anonymous]

I have plenty of close Asian friends and they are happy today. That does not mean their parents weren't horrible to them. I vividly recall breakdowns in college about the continued pressure. I had a friend commit suicide without even leaving a note. Anyway, I don't for a second think that it's appropriate to raise children that way. My friends wouldn't disagree. So far none have raised their children that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have plenty of close Asian friends and they are happy today. That does not mean their parents weren't horrible to them. I vividly recall breakdowns in college about the continued pressure. I had a friend commit suicide without even leaving a note. Anyway, I don't for a second think that it's appropriate to raise children that way. My friends wouldn't disagree. So far none have raised their children that way.

Most Asian Americans I know (born and raised here by those kinds of parents) ARE raising their kids that way. It's more subtle. They're a bit more lenient than their parents were. They're not starting SAT pressure in 6th grade. Yet they ARE doing many similar things just watered down . . . .

[Anonymous]

OP -- I guess I'm not getting HOW you've decided your kids are average? Is it just based on standardized tests that don't qualify them for the top privates? I tested just ok in elementary/middle school and got mostly As with some Bs mixed in (the horrors to my Asian parents). No one would have said I was the "smart" kid. Then in 9th I turned it on -- finished in the top 10 in my class that yr at a big well regarded NJ public; after junior yr my class rank was #2 and SATs (with studying using books but not tutoring) were pretty good. People were legitimately surprised. And then I got into Penn early decision. So consider the long game and don't count your 4th grader or 7th grader out . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have plenty of close Asian friends and they are happy today. That does not mean their parents weren't horrible to them. I vividly recall breakdowns in college about the continued pressure. I had a friend commit suicide without even leaving a note. Anyway, I don't for a second think that it's appropriate to raise children that way. My friends wouldn't disagree. So far none have raised their children that way.

Most Asian Americans I know (born and raised here by those kinds of parents) ARE raising their kids that way. It's more subtle. They're a bit more lenient than their parents were. They're not starting SAT pressure in 6th grade. Yet they ARE doing many similar things just watered down . . . .

Watered down is what well educated white people do too. It isn't doing testing drills every night...trust me it's like night and day. At best, I'd describe my.friends parents as manipulative, no-boundaries, no-trust and threatening explosion from.the family for not complying.

[Anonymous]

Being happy and well rounded has little to do with academic success. And being good academically doesn't mean that you will even be good at your job. FFS, the wealthiest people in my family only have high school diplomas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have plenty of close Asian friends and they are happy today. That does not mean their parents weren't horrible to them. I vividly recall breakdowns in college about the continued pressure. I had a friend commit suicide without even leaving a note. Anyway, I don't for a second think that it's appropriate to raise children that way. My friends wouldn't disagree. So far none have raised their children that way.

Most Asian Americans I know (born and raised here by those kinds of parents) ARE raising their kids that way. It's more subtle. They're a bit more lenient than their parents were. They're not starting SAT pressure in 6th grade. Yet they ARE doing many similar things just watered down . . . .

Watered down is what well educated white people do too. It isn't doing testing drills every night...trust me it's like night and day. At best, I'd describe my.friends parents as manipulative, no-boundaries, no-trust and threatening explosion from.the family for not complying.

Ok your Asian friends grew up differently then. We had a lot of school/college expectation and sure extra emphasis on school but it was far from 24-7 drilling — more like an extra 10-15 hrs/wk max and plenty of time still for reading babysitters club, riding bikes, tv etc — and no manipulation, distrust or family strife. I can see why they aren’t running their families like that now - I wouldn’t either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hate people who identify as "Type A." I feel no sympathy for you, OP. I do have sympathy for your kids.

(And I went to a top-10 college.)

I feel the same way. I think it's that Type A people will say they can't help it, it's just the way they are, it's hard for them, etc.--but really, they think they are superior, that their way is actually better. And so you have someone like OP, who appears to have perfectly normal children, seeing them as below average and trying to figure out how to reconcile herself to her substandard offspring. It's sad to have such a narrow view of what counts as successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hate people who identify as "Type A." I feel no sympathy for you, OP. I do have sympathy for your kids.

(And I went to a top-10 college.)

You HATE people just because they are type A? Wow. Proof that being "chill" doesn't necessarily make a person kind.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’m the only parent in the DC area that doesn’t care if my kids go to top ranked schools. I want them to travel and do interesting things, and define their own standards of success, and go out and get the education they need (whether in state school or elsewhere) in order to live the life they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m the only parent in the DC area that doesn’t care if my kids go to top ranked schools. I want them to travel and do interesting things, and define their own standards of success, and go out and get the education they need (whether in state school or elsewhere) in order to live the life they want.

Nope, not the only one. I want my kids to get a good education, but I don't think that HYPS is the only way to do that. I want them to be curious and engaged in the world, I want them to enjoy learning and solving problems, and I want them to find a place in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe I don't get it bc I'm Asian, but why can't you push your kids? We were pushed growing up. Not every kid was an academic genius -- most weren't in fact. And yet due to very high parental expectations my Asian friends/siblings/I are ivy grads; med school grads; lawyers (all top 10 schools) etc. Sure some kids got it easily, some kids had SAT tutoring starting in 7th grade to make it to a 1500+ score. There are advantages and doors that open from certain schools and certain professions - as you well know. Why not push the kids? And I don't get why people are bagging on OP. Sorry I had certain expectations for myself educationally/professionally/financially and I expect the same of my kids. I'm not suggesting that it's going to come down to -- I went to MIT so you must go to MIT, but I do expect them to go to comparable schools and sorry to me Va. Tech and UVa and UMD aren't it.

PP, I hope for your children's sake that they live up to your expectations of them.

They will. My expectations are not nearly as onerous as the ones I/my friends grew up with. I am not demanding that they MUST be doctors; I am not demanding that they MUST go to Harvard. Frankly they know even now that they have career choices of – medicine/dental; I banking; or law; and I’d live with engineering. They must choose from those – I am not choosing for them. I am also not requiring any particular school – they know that any ivy; MIT; Chicago; and a handful of others are all perfectly fine so they literally have to just get into 1. None of this is impossible and frankly my friends growing up who HAD to be doctors (even though they wanted a different respectable profession – engineering) had it much worse.

So ... what are you going to do if one of your kids can't or won't be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Believe me, I know this is my issue and not theirs. I haven’t been pushing them because I don’t want them to be stressed out and neurotic when academics don’t come naturally easily to them. I guess I’m trying to see what others are doing bc it seems like it’s a real problem if a kid is average. Even PPs above are suggesting ADHD. I realize not everyone is going to be a superstar professor or CEO or math genius. Academics came easily to me my whole life. I didn’t need tutors or SAT prep classes etc. I just did well. So it’s admittedly difficult for me to see my kids struggling with what came so easily to me.

And what’s wrong with classifying oneself as Type A? I wish I wasn’t so intense about things, but I am. My kids, and one in particular is definitely Type B. She couldn’t care less about schoolwork or tests or grades. She enjoys art and music and dance. But I am trying to explain to her that she needs a solid education even if she ends up in art school or culinary school.

I hope you don't speak about art school or culinary school as places to "end up" if that's what your children want to do.