High Achieving Parent With Average/Below-Average Kids

[Anonymous]

OP here. Believe me, I know this is my issue and not theirs. I haven’t been pushing them because I don’t want them to be stressed out and neurotic when academics don’t come naturally easily to them. I guess I’m trying to see what others are doing bc it seems like it’s a real problem if a kid is average. Even PPs above are suggesting ADHD. I realize not everyone is going to be a superstar professor or CEO or math genius. Academics came easily to me my whole life. I didn’t need tutors or SAT prep classes etc. I just did well. So it’s admittedly difficult for me to see my kids struggling with what came so easily to me.

And what’s wrong with classifying oneself as Type A? I wish I wasn’t so intense about things, but I am. My kids, and one in particular is definitely Type B. She couldn’t care less about schoolwork or tests or grades. She enjoys art and music and dance. But I am trying to explain to her that she needs a solid education even if she ends up in art school or culinary school.

[Anonymous]

I think you are stuck in the trap of thinking there is only one definition of success (prestige in limited number of fields) and one path to get there (As and prestigious schools). I remember years ago hearing Ty Pennington (on that very old show "Extreme Makeover") on how he was a complete failure in school (ADHD, couldn't sit still, made terrible grades, etc.). He had a really big impact in his career and changed a lot of people's lives (and made a lot of money while he did it). He said his parents were just amazed that he could even sit through an interview much less have a stable, successful career.

Everyone needs to find their own path and we do so many people a disservice by discounting the different versions of how people can be true to who they are, still be "successful" but not necessarily fit in the mold of what you think is the only way to get there. I'm sure there are some good books to read on this topic - I think it would be worth it for you to research some. Your kids are going to pick up on the fact that you are not happy or impressed with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Believe me, I know this is my issue and not theirs. I haven’t been pushing them because I don’t want them to be stressed out and neurotic when academics don’t come naturally easily to them. I guess I’m trying to see what others are doing bc it seems like it’s a real problem if a kid is average. Even PPs above are suggesting ADHD. I realize not everyone is going to be a superstar professor or CEO or math genius. Academics came easily to me my whole life. I didn’t need tutors or SAT prep classes etc. I just did well. So it’s admittedly difficult for me to see my kids struggling with what came so easily to me.

And what’s wrong with classifying oneself as Type A? I wish I wasn’t so intense about things, but I am. My kids, and one in particular is definitely Type B. She couldn’t care less about schoolwork or tests or grades. She enjoys art and music and dance. But I am trying to explain to her that she needs a solid education even if she ends up in art school or culinary school.

OP, most people are average. By definition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Believe me, I know this is my issue and not theirs. I haven’t been pushing them because I don’t want them to be stressed out and neurotic when academics don’t come naturally easily to them. I guess I’m trying to see what others are doing bc it seems like it’s a real problem if a kid is average. Even PPs above are suggesting ADHD. I realize not everyone is going to be a superstar professor or CEO or math genius. Academics came easily to me my whole life. I didn’t need tutors or SAT prep classes etc. I just did well. So it’s admittedly difficult for me to see my kids struggling with what came so easily to me.

And what’s wrong with classifying oneself as Type A? I wish I wasn’t so intense about things, but I am. My kids, and one in particular is definitely Type B. She couldn’t care less about schoolwork or tests or grades. She enjoys art and music and dance. But I am trying to explain to her that she needs a solid education even if she ends up in art school or culinary school.

Maybe I don't get it bc I'm Asian, but why can't you push your kids? We were pushed growing up. Not every kid was an academic genius -- most weren't in fact. And yet due to very high parental expectations my Asian friends/siblings/I are ivy grads; med school grads; lawyers (all top 10 schools) etc. Sure some kids got it easily, some kids had SAT tutoring starting in 7th grade to make it to a 1500+ score. There are advantages and doors that open from certain schools and certain professions - as you well know. Why not push the kids? And I don't get why people are bagging on OP. Sorry I had certain expectations for myself educationally/professionally/financially and I expect the same of my kids. I'm not suggesting that it's going to come down to -- I went to MIT so you must go to MIT, but I do expect them to go to comparable schools and sorry to me Va. Tech and UVa and UMD aren't it.

[Anonymous]

Just some perspective here. My kids were average in elementary school (actually, my oldest was below average until 3rd grade), but really blossomed in middle school (my oldest - the one who was below average -- has an "A" in algebra with little effort). Give them the space and confidence to grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe I don't get it bc I'm Asian, but why can't you push your kids? We were pushed growing up. Not every kid was an academic genius -- most weren't in fact. And yet due to very high parental expectations my Asian friends/siblings/I are ivy grads; med school grads; lawyers (all top 10 schools) etc. Sure some kids got it easily, some kids had SAT tutoring starting in 7th grade to make it to a 1500+ score. There are advantages and doors that open from certain schools and certain professions - as you well know. Why not push the kids? And I don't get why people are bagging on OP. Sorry I had certain expectations for myself educationally/professionally/financially and I expect the same of my kids. I'm not suggesting that it's going to come down to -- I went to MIT so you must go to MIT, but I do expect them to go to comparable schools and sorry to me Va. Tech and UVa and UMD aren't it.

PP, I hope for your children's sake that they live up to your expectations of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe I don't get it bc I'm Asian, but why can't you push your kids? We were pushed growing up. Not every kid was an academic genius -- most weren't in fact. And yet due to very high parental expectations my Asian friends/siblings/I are ivy grads; med school grads; lawyers (all top 10 schools) etc. Sure some kids got it easily, some kids had SAT tutoring starting in 7th grade to make it to a 1500+ score. There are advantages and doors that open from certain schools and certain professions - as you well know. Why not push the kids? And I don't get why people are bagging on OP. Sorry I had certain expectations for myself educationally/professionally/financially and I expect the same of my kids. I'm not suggesting that it's going to come down to -- I went to MIT so you must go to MIT, but I do expect them to go to comparable schools and sorry to me Va. Tech and UVa and UMD aren't it.

PP, I hope for your children's sake that they live up to your expectations of them.

They will. My expectations are not nearly as onerous as the ones I/my friends grew up with. I am not demanding that they MUST be doctors; I am not demanding that they MUST go to Harvard. Frankly they know even now that they have career choices of – medicine/dental; I banking; or law; and I’d live with engineering. They must choose from those – I am not choosing for them. I am also not requiring any particular school – they know that any ivy; MIT; Chicago; and a handful of others are all perfectly fine so they literally have to just get into 1. None of this is impossible and frankly my friends growing up who HAD to be doctors (even though they wanted a different respectable profession – engineering) had it much worse.

[Anonymous]

And some of these kids are deeply unhappy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They will. My expectations are not nearly as onerous as the ones I/my friends grew up with. I am not demanding that they MUST be doctors; I am not demanding that they MUST go to Harvard. Frankly they know even now that they have career choices of – medicine/dental; I banking; or law; and I’d live with engineering. They must choose from those – I am not choosing for them. I am also not requiring any particular school – they know that any ivy; MIT; Chicago; and a handful of others are all perfectly fine so they literally have to just get into 1. None of this is impossible and frankly my friends growing up who HAD to be doctors (even though they wanted a different respectable profession – engineering) had it much worse.

You can't be serious. I really hope that you're not serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They will. My expectations are not nearly as onerous as the ones I/my friends grew up with. I am not demanding that they MUST be doctors; I am not demanding that they MUST go to Harvard. Frankly they know even now that they have career choices of – medicine/dental; I banking; or law; and I’d live with engineering. They must choose from those – I am not choosing for them. I am also not requiring any particular school – they know that any ivy; MIT; Chicago; and a handful of others are all perfectly fine so they literally have to just get into 1. None of this is impossible and frankly my friends growing up who HAD to be doctors (even though they wanted a different respectable profession – engineering) had it much worse.

You can't be serious. I really hope that you're not serious.

Couldn't be more serious. I was raised like this. So were all my cousins and Asian friends. This isn't foreign to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They will. My expectations are not nearly as onerous as the ones I/my friends grew up with. I am not demanding that they MUST be doctors; I am not demanding that they MUST go to Harvard. Frankly they know even now that they have career choices of – medicine/dental; I banking; or law; and I’d live with engineering. They must choose from those – I am not choosing for them. I am also not requiring any particular school – they know that any ivy; MIT; Chicago; and a handful of others are all perfectly fine so they literally have to just get into 1. None of this is impossible and frankly my friends growing up who HAD to be doctors (even though they wanted a different respectable profession – engineering) had it much worse.

You can't be serious. I really hope that you're not serious.

Couldn't be more serious. I was raised like this. So were all my cousins and Asian friends. This isn't foreign to me.

So your children don’t have free will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They will. My expectations are not nearly as onerous as the ones I/my friends grew up with. I am not demanding that they MUST be doctors; I am not demanding that they MUST go to Harvard. Frankly they know even now that they have career choices of – medicine/dental; I banking; or law; and I’d live with engineering. They must choose from those – I am not choosing for them. I am also not requiring any particular school – they know that any ivy; MIT; Chicago; and a handful of others are all perfectly fine so they literally have to just get into 1. None of this is impossible and frankly my friends growing up who HAD to be doctors (even though they wanted a different respectable profession – engineering) had it much worse.

You can't be serious. I really hope that you're not serious.

Couldn't be more serious. I was raised like this. So were all my cousins and Asian friends. This isn't foreign to me.

I am Asian and this kind of backward thinking is what holds our community back. You have absolutely no idea what professions will be prestigious in the future.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. Maybe some perspective will help. I would be thrilled if my kid could be seen as average and I wonder all the time if college is even remotely possible. And that unknown really breaks my heart, not because I think it’s nexessary for “success” but because College was the best, most vivid, happiest time of my life and I don’t want her to miss out on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They will. My expectations are not nearly as onerous as the ones I/my friends grew up with. I am not demanding that they MUST be doctors; I am not demanding that they MUST go to Harvard. Frankly they know even now that they have career choices of – medicine/dental; I banking; or law; and I’d live with engineering. They must choose from those – I am not choosing for them. I am also not requiring any particular school – they know that any ivy; MIT; Chicago; and a handful of others are all perfectly fine so they literally have to just get into 1. None of this is impossible and frankly my friends growing up who HAD to be doctors (even though they wanted a different respectable profession – engineering) had it much worse.

You can't be serious. I really hope that you're not serious.

Couldn't be more serious. I was raised like this. So were all my cousins and Asian friends. This isn't foreign to me.

I am Asian and this kind of backward thinking is what holds our community back. You have absolutely no idea what professions will be prestigious in the future.

I am not Asian, and this kind of thinking made my friends who were East-Asian-American or South-Asian-American, and had parents with thinking like this, very unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They will. My expectations are not nearly as onerous as the ones I/my friends grew up with. I am not demanding that they MUST be doctors; I am not demanding that they MUST go to Harvard. Frankly they know even now that they have career choices of – medicine/dental; I banking; or law; and I’d live with engineering. They must choose from those – I am not choosing for them. I am also not requiring any particular school – they know that any ivy; MIT; Chicago; and a handful of others are all perfectly fine so they literally have to just get into 1. None of this is impossible and frankly my friends growing up who HAD to be doctors (even though they wanted a different respectable profession – engineering) had it much worse.

You can't be serious. I really hope that you're not serious.

Couldn't be more serious. I was raised like this. So were all my cousins and Asian friends. This isn't foreign to me.

I am Asian and this kind of backward thinking is what holds our community back. You have absolutely no idea what professions will be prestigious in the future.

Sure -- I'm positive the time is coming in the next 40 yrs where doctors, lawyers and bankers will be pointed and laughed at and teachers and insurance claim payers will be revered. Plus it's about money too. And before people go on about -- well the richest people are creative geniuses like Bezos or whatever -- there's nothing you can do to inherently make anyone into a Bezos or an Elon Musk or whatever. Yet any average person can be made into a dr., lawyer or banker -- it simply isn't THAT hard.