High Achieving Parent With Average/Below-Average Kids

[Anonymous]

OP - how much time do you spend with your kids? I agree w/pp who talk about balance and well adjusted people being more important than type "A" motivated high achievers. One thing I have noticed though is that the families that have the healthiest kids are those who do a lot together, spend time together. Not having a parent travel tons for business, eating meals together, that kind of thing. It matters. It helps with academic success too since that is what you seem to greatly care about. We read to our kids every single damn night. We didn't force additional homework on them but we saw their weaknesses academically (ie boy who couldn't focus well but didn't have ADHD/ADD so we asked him to write 5 sentences about anything he wanted for years 2-3x/weekly which really helped him) and we worked with them for an extra 15-20 min most nights for years. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of time but that's what having good and happy kids is about - you HAVE TO SPEND the time. It doesn't matter about anything else - all the trips, all the material things, it's getting to know them and creating that bond and helping them be as the pp said earlier, develop their sense of self. We never cared where they went to college though - we care about them being well rounded and academically not failing. I think it's super important to distinguish that. Professionally, I meet a lot of different folks from EAs to C level execs as a recruiter and the person that is well loved and good at what they do has nothing to do with academics. Adjust your own metrics for success. Just love your kids, be grateful they are good at some things - art, sports, that's so lucky to have kids like that - so many people who have talent in anything is rare. They won't be like you but they may be BETTER than you! Isn't that what you ultimately want?

[Anonymous]

Op, no high achieving parents have their sights set on VA Tech for their kids.

[Anonymous]

PP - I'm the poster who is the professional recruiter. My old boss EVP HR (that would be Executive Vice President) went to community college and worked her way up at a global Fortune 100 company. Bar none, the sharpest, most fingintelligent, most awesomest lady I've ever known professionally in my 20+ career in recruiting. To this day I never forget her and I talk to Duke, Northwestern, etc. top 10 business school MBAs all the time. My current client company, a publicly traded global F100 company has a COO who went to NOVA. I used to be in search (headhunter) and there are absolutely C level execs who worked themselves up the corporate ladder who do VERY well. Are there many? Hell no. Is it easy? Hell no. But my point is it depends on the individual. Just cause you go to VA Tech does not mean you are never going to be a C level exec. You may never be CEO of a F100 company I grant you that - but you can be CEO of a company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hate people who identify as "Type A." I feel no sympathy for you, OP. I do have sympathy for your kids.

(And I went to a top-10 college.)

If you feel no sympathy for OP, you aren't really a good person and your reply here is useless. Better to have skipped this thread and moved on.

The real challenge in life is to have kindness toward people, even the ones who are different from you and whose perspectives are harder for you to understand.

[Anonymous]

OP - chances are you are throwing-out words like "average" without even having an accurate reference point, and for that I'm going to disrespect your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I am admittedly a Type-A overachiever parent, which is both good and bad for a variety of reasons. But I am having some internal struggles because both of my two kids are solidly average or below-average students. Of course, I love them and am proud of their achievements and strengths (the below-average student is artistic and creative. The average student is resilient and athletic). But I also feel some sense of disappointment that they (probably) won't be the kids who go to top notch high schools, private schools, or first or second tier colleges. At least if what I am seeing now holds true. Maybe it's a DC area thing, where test scores and numerical assessments are golden and define a kid - from SOLs to NNAT to COGAT to WISC even before the SSAT, but most of the parents and colleagues in my social/professional circles have kids who are in AAP in elementary or honors in Middle or applying to TJ or Sidwell or have their sights set on UVA or VA Tech or these other high achieving schools. I really want that for my children, because it is what I had, and it opened so many doors for me academically and professionally, but I just don't know if it will be for them. they are in late elementary now, and nowhere near honors or AAP. I am happy they are passing in the general pop. LOL. I'm not sure what I am asking in this post, but I wonder if others have similar experiences and what you are doing to help figure it out? Are you lowering standards? Are you pushing hard with tutors? I haven't done those things yet, because i want them to be happy and well rounded. But they just aren't strong students.

I haven't read all the replies yet, OP, but my first thoughts are:

It is okay that you feel some disappointment as long as you keep it inside you and don't make it known to your children. Every parent will feel some disappointment at some time with their kids, because we are human and we may have expectations that aren't met or maybe weren't reasonable in the first place and our kids are human and can't possibly be as perfect as we'd like them to be. If it wasn't this and they were high-achieving students, there would have been something else.

Focus on the idea of each persons best is good enough and on those things you like/love about your kids. Teach your kids about effort and perseverance in addition, of course, to how to be a kind and generous person, and you'll have done what you can to help them on the way to a successful and happy life. There are so many paths to a happy life that don't necessarily include top tier schools or the other metrics people can get bogged down in around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, no high achieving parents have their sights set on VA Tech for their kids.

How do you define high achieving? I’d be perfectly happy sending my kids to VA Tech. I’m conventionally successful and high income.

[Anonymous]

If my kids are happy with their lives, I'm happy for them. I want their jobs to be something that they are passionate about, no matter how much money they make. One wants to do public works and fix water lines and salt roads, and that's fine with me as long as he's happy. He'll retire with full Virginia retirement at 52, and can then do whatever he wants long before most people can even think of retiring. As a Type 1 diabetic, the retirement and the insurance is well worth it and he loves his job. Two of my other sons are professional arborists. They are the ones who keep trees from knocking out your power. They also get called out for storm damage during hurricanes and severe snowstorms. One of the most dangerous jobs, but they love it. One of them is planning to go into law enforcement. Also dangerous, but it's what he really wants. My 14 yr old daughter also plans to go into law enforcement, working with sexual assault victims. It's her passion. My kidd do what they want, and I support them fully.

[Anonymous]

I've seen other posts like this and they always surprise me. I am similarly high achieving to the OP (graduated from an Ivy with honors, full ride to grad school at another Ivy). Now I work at a very high-achieving organization with people from all backgrounds. My department is one of the nerdy departments and most people went to top colleges, the law department is filled with Harvard and Yale graduates, but we work with other departments where people are equally well paid (or better paid) but their value is more based on communication and social skills and people able to motivate others. These are people who are incredibly valuable to the organization and are very well compensated. Basically while I was at the library studying they were out partying and learning skills that proved just as valuable. Now that I am a parent I'd be just as happy to have my kids end up like my not nerdy coworkers - they all love their jobs and don't have to work quite as long hours as I do.

Being out in the real world made me realize there are so many paths to success - and most of them don't involve going to an Ivy League school. I'm surprised OP hasn't also found that to be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have plenty of close Asian friends and they are happy today. That does not mean their parents weren't horrible to them. I vividly recall breakdowns in college about the continued pressure. I had a friend commit suicide without even leaving a note. Anyway, I don't for a second think that it's appropriate to raise children that way. My friends wouldn't disagree. So far none have raised their children that way.

Most Asian Americans I know (born and raised here by those kinds of parents) ARE raising their kids that way. It's more subtle. They're a bit more lenient than their parents were. They're not starting SAT pressure in 6th grade. Yet they ARE doing many similar things just watered down . . . .

Have to get into TJ

Or life is over

[Anonymous]

You doctor yet?

[Anonymous]

Geeze people are harsh.

OP, I get it. But I want to give some anecdotal perspective. I was a very average student until high school for a variety of reasons. I didn't stand out academically, and my parents thought exactly as you did. What was key is that while they encouraged me, they did not put undue pressure on me to do more than I was able to do at the time. We had a lot of family time, and they gave me a solid foundation as a person. Once I got closer to college, and I felt it mattered how I did in school, I turned it on. I went to a top 10 public university, a good law school, and a top 2 graduate program. I've had a very successful career, and my professional peer group is similar to yours.

Point being, you don't know how your kids will end up based on what they are doing now. I agree that doing well academically, going to a good college, etc., opens a lot of doors, but it is not the only path in life. It is more important that your kids are happy people and successful in whatever field they choose to pursue. Focus on those innate life skills - independence, discipline and hard work, attention to detail, empathy, kindness, helping others, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen other posts like this and they always surprise me. I am similarly high achieving to the OP (graduated from an Ivy with honors, full ride to grad school at another Ivy). Now I work at a very high-achieving organization with people from all backgrounds. My department is one of the nerdy departments and most people went to top colleges, the law department is filled with Harvard and Yale graduates, but we work with other departments where people are equally well paid (or better paid) but their value is more based on communication and social skills and people able to motivate others. These are people who are incredibly valuable to the organization and are very well compensated. Basically while I was at the library studying they were out partying and learning skills that proved just as valuable. Now that I am a parent I'd be just as happy to have my kids end up like my not nerdy coworkers - they all love their jobs and don't have to work quite as long hours as I do.

Being out in the real world made me realize there are so many paths to success - and most of them don't involve going to an Ivy League school. I'm surprised OP hasn't also found that to be the case.

Great post. We really underestimate the intangibles- a person’s ability to put others at ease, a knack for hunting down obscure information, and charisma that inspires people to work toward a goal that hadn't seemed important. Yes, being a good writer and being good at math are important skills. Being at ease with yourself and understanding how people tick is also an important skill. People need to meet their kids where they are at and help them flourish with their natural talents. You can be both happy and well compensated by forging your own path.

[Anonymous]

Name this "high-achieving organization" and how to get hired

[Anonymous]

Many self-driven children who became successful adults do not know how to parent their own children.

When you feel your child is not working to his or her potential (ADHD, learning disabilities, failure to ignite interest in academic topics, etc) then you need to get in the trenches and actually work with them. Make it fun! Make it fascinating!

Intelligence is largely hereditary, so if you think you're smart, there is no reason that your children can't be successful in one way or another.