How to Move Forward Once You Realize MIL Just Doesn't Like You

[Anonymous]

After 8 years of marriage I've finally come to accept that my MIL just doesn't like me. Up to now we've had a respectful relationship though she is the passive aggressive type so she has made hurtful comments in the past or ignored me/avoided me when she was upset about something or for reasons I'll never know . I am more direct and have tried to reach out when I've noticed tension or an issue has arisen but it never seems to go over well. She prefers surface, everything is fine, lets take our pictures for Facebook, etc. I'm by no means perfect, but I find her to be immature and sulky, rather than working on an issue, she feels under attack or slighted. In the beginning of our marriage, I tried to encourage a lot of interaction and celebrating all birthdays, holidays, etc together but over the past several years it has reduced to every other holiday plus maybe a visit for MIL's birthday and 2-3 additional visits/year. DH is fine with this level of interaction, but I feel sad for our children who I know love their grandparents. The issue really is how MIL treats me and how she reacts to us spending time with my side of the family, or traveling or doing other activities on our own. She somehow makes me feel guilty. She also acts sulky and avoids me. I guess we can continue our fake, surface relationship and I will just take jabs here and there but it such a shame that things are this way when I'm open to a closer relationship and more interaction. For the record, all family is local and we have the only grandkids. Anyone been through this?

[Anonymous]

I think the title of your post should be "How to Move Forward Once You Realize MIL is a Self-Centered Narcissist."

Once you realize that, moving on will be easy.

[Anonymous]

OP! Do we have the same MIL?! Our situations are incredible similar.

A few things: My DH does all logistics communicating with her. Pretty much 95% of it. I only communicate with her socially (family group text, mainly pictures of our kids).

We limit how much we tell her about my family. She just couldn't handle it. She was seething with jealousy all the time that I even HAD a family who loved us. The one thing that helped this was her having her OWN relationship with my kids. It helped her feel less threatened that, yes, my three year old does love you! Even though she wasn't interested in you as a 1 year old (because they don't like anyone but mom and dad!).

We don't LET her make us feel guilty. Yes you have that choice! We make our choices for our family, and if she wants to be upset about that, OH WELL! She will skulk around on Xmas and then realize no one cares and will eventually come around. Or not. But then they only person whose Xmas she's ruined is her own. I think she's slowly SLOWLY realizing this. Maybe. We had our best holiday season yet this past year with no meltdowns. So that's a huge win.

But the key part is that DH and I are on the same side always. 100%. I do my best to be loving and sensitive to her, because at her core, she does really love us (and our kids) very much. She's just not terribly good with people skills. I have to zoom out pretty far to remember this sometimes, but it is true.

Making peace with yourself and your actions, and knowing you're doing your best, is a huge step. You sound like you're almost there.

GOOD LUCK!

[Anonymous]

Key sentence, OP: "She somehow makes me feel guilty."

Learning to let that go--because it's coming from inside you as much as, maybe more than, it's coming from her -- is key, here.

The other thing to let go: The regretfulness of "I feel sad for our children." You have a surface relationship with her; they might not, as they get older. But if you are sad about this, your kids will pick up on it. Being sad is also fine, but not as a constant state.

You mention how "I am more direct and have tried to reach out..." and how "rather than working on an issue" she sulks. It's past time to stop "working on" things and "reaching out" and "being direct." It doesn't work the way you want it to work, and it only makes things worse, as you note yourself -- she only interprets it as attack, not as working to get to some better resolution. So stop.

I know all these things are very easy for someone out here to say and very hard for you to DO, but they are all things you alone can do. She's not engaging in the lets-fix-this work, you are; she's not seeing a sad relationship with her grandkids, you are. I think you're right, for what that's worth; ideally she would[i] want a deeper friendship with you and you could talk like adults about issues between you. But that doesn't happen. You start off saying you've accepted that she doesn't like you -- but have you really accepted that you need to change the behavior of trying so hard to change the relationship yourself?

Yes, continue the surface relationship. It's not wrong or evil to have simply "hi there, let's take a photo" interactions and to let her avoid you if she chooses. Take the energy you're now expending on wishing things were different and spend it on your relationships that are actually deep - with the kids, your DH, others you love. Be cordial, and stop trying anything more that makes her feel slighted.

You say your DH is fine with current level of interaction and that is good news. He's not pushing you to be his mother's best friend or to go see his mother more often. That is positive for this situation.--can you see that, OP? She's not pushing for more of a relationship with you; DH is not pushing for that either; she isn't entangled in your life as a babysitter to your kids, or a constant visitor to your house, or in other ways that would make this much more difficult. All that is good. The one feeling bad, wanting to discuss, wanting more is you, and you can't control her but can only control or change yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP! Do we have the same MIL?! Our situations are incredible similar.

A few things: My DH does all logistics communicating with her. Pretty much 95% of it. I only communicate with her socially (family group text, mainly pictures of our kids).

We limit how much we tell her about my family. She just couldn't handle it. She was seething with jealousy all the time that I even HAD a family who loved us. The one thing that helped this was her having her OWN relationship with my kids. It helped her feel less threatened that, yes, my three year old does love you! Even though she wasn't interested in you as a 1 year old (because they don't like anyone but mom and dad!).

We don't LET her make us feel guilty. Yes you have that choice! We make our choices for our family, and if she wants to be upset about that, OH WELL! She will skulk around on Xmas and then realize no one cares and will eventually come around. Or not. But then they only person whose Xmas she's ruined is her own. I think she's slowly SLOWLY realizing this. Maybe. We had our best holiday season yet this past year with no meltdowns. So that's a huge win.

But the key part is that DH and I are on the same side always. 100%. I do my best to be loving and sensitive to her, because at her core, she does really love us (and our kids) very much. She's just not terribly good with people skills. I have to zoom out pretty far to remember this sometimes, but it is true.

Making peace with yourself and your actions, and knowing you're doing your best, is a huge step. You sound like you're almost there.

GOOD LUCK!

Thanks for this. DH is 100% on my side and perhaps too much in that he is not good as expressing himself and has yelled at his mom in the past about things she has done. It happened again recently and I feel like when this happens 1, she gets mad at him and stops speaking to him for a while and since he yelled it becomes his fault so she never takes blame for the original issue and 2, I feel like she blames me for what happened and the tension that exists because I exist and DH has taken my side. It is stressful and I spend too much time thinking about the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Key sentence, OP: "She somehow makes me feel guilty."

Learning to let that go--because it's coming from inside you as much as, maybe more than, it's coming from her -- is key, here.

The other thing to let go: The regretfulness of "I feel sad for our children." You have a surface relationship with her; they might not, as they get older. But if you are sad about this, your kids will pick up on it. Being sad is also fine, but not as a constant state.

You mention how "I am more direct and have tried to reach out..." and how "rather than working on an issue" she sulks. It's past time to stop "working on" things and "reaching out" and "being direct." It doesn't work the way you want it to work, and it only makes things worse, as you note yourself -- she only interprets it as attack, not as working to get to some better resolution. So stop.

I know all these things are very easy for someone out here to say and very hard for you to DO, but they are all things you alone can do. She's not engaging in the lets-fix-this work, you are; she's not seeing a sad relationship with her grandkids, you are. I think you're right, for what that's worth; ideally she would[i] want a deeper friendship with you and you could talk like adults about issues between you. But that doesn't happen. You start off saying you've accepted that she doesn't like you -- but have you really accepted that you need to change the behavior of trying so hard to change the relationship yourself?

Yes, continue the surface relationship. It's not wrong or evil to have simply "hi there, let's take a photo" interactions and to let her avoid you if she chooses. Take the energy you're now expending on wishing things were different and spend it on your relationships that are actually deep - with the kids, your DH, others you love. Be cordial, and stop trying anything more that makes her feel slighted.

You say your DH is fine with current level of interaction and that is good news. He's not pushing you to be his mother's best friend or to go see his mother more often. That is positive for this situation.--can you see that, OP? She's not pushing for more of a relationship with you; DH is not pushing for that either; she isn't entangled in your life as a babysitter to your kids, or a constant visitor to your house, or in other ways that would make this much more difficult. All that is good. The one feeling bad, wanting to discuss, wanting more is you, and you can't control her but can only control or change yourself.

Thanks, this is very helpful. I know that I need to let go, care less, and be ok with the surface. I can't help to feel hurt and a bit offended that she doesn't seem to like me and seems to place me lowest on the list in terms of priorities in the family but the hard part is not caring about it. There is definitely a sense of loss when we can't share our joy in the same way that we do with my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP! Do we have the same MIL?! Our situations are incredible similar.

A few things: My DH does all logistics communicating with her. Pretty much 95% of it. I only communicate with her socially (family group text, mainly pictures of our kids).

We limit how much we tell her about my family. She just couldn't handle it. She was seething with jealousy all the time that I even HAD a family who loved us. The one thing that helped this was her having her OWN relationship with my kids. It helped her feel less threatened that, yes, my three year old does love you! Even though she wasn't interested in you as a 1 year old (because they don't like anyone but mom and dad!).

We don't LET her make us feel guilty. Yes you have that choice! We make our choices for our family, and if she wants to be upset about that, OH WELL! She will skulk around on Xmas and then realize no one cares and will eventually come around. Or not. But then they only person whose Xmas she's ruined is her own. I think she's slowly SLOWLY realizing this. Maybe. We had our best holiday season yet this past year with no meltdowns. So that's a huge win.

But the key part is that DH and I are on the same side always. 100%. I do my best to be loving and sensitive to her, because at her core, she does really love us (and our kids) very much. She's just not terribly good with people skills. I have to zoom out pretty far to remember this sometimes, but it is true.

Making peace with yourself and your actions, and knowing you're doing your best, is a huge step. You sound like you're almost there.

GOOD LUCK!

Thanks for this. DH is 100% on my side and perhaps too much in that he is not good as expressing himself and has yelled at his mom in the past about things she has done. It happened again recently and I feel like when this happens 1, she gets mad at him and stops speaking to him for a while and since he yelled it becomes his fault so she never takes blame for the original issue and 2, I feel like she blames me for what happened and the tension that exists because I exist and DH has taken my side. It is stressful and I spend too much time thinking about the situation.

Ah yes. I'm PP you quoted. In our situation, my MIL is the yeller. My DH is somehow always able to remain cool as a cucumber. This always drives her nuts, mainly because she is dying for him to yell back. If he yells, he should apologize for yelling, but not for whatever happened before. Visits should be cut off before anyone gets to that point.

I do have a few stock phrases for when the yelling sometimes comes my way (usually about my DH). My favorite is "that's not a fair thing to say" or "that's not fair". Something simple and pat. I am NOT arguing with her, ever. But I won't just sit there like a wall flower while she tries to get me to pile on my DH too.

The other thing I do, which I read about here, is to be dumb and cheerful. I pretend I don't even notice the tension! Just keep going about my day, taking care of the kids. Oh what, someone was yelling? I didn't notice! Where's the bananas/crackers/milk? Taking the children outside is always a good idea! If she tries to corner me to commit to something, I always send her to my DH. "Oh I'm not sure! You should ask DH".

But the key part was to stop caring that she didn't treat me the same way my family does. There is a distance there, and I had to learn to be ok with that. Because it's not how my family works at all. I had to do it for my own protection. I was getting my feelings hurt and feeling upset after every visit. When I changed my way of thinking, it really helped. I just ignore a lot of her comments now. It's taken a lot of practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the title of your post should be "How to Move Forward Once You Realize MIL is a Self-Centered Narcissist."

Once you realize that, moving on will be easy.

NP here - yep, haven't read this book, but was also going to say she sounds like a narcissist. My MIL is and you have to create boundaries and never give her anything she can use to manipulate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP! Do we have the same MIL?! Our situations are incredible similar.

A few things: My DH does all logistics communicating with her. Pretty much 95% of it. I only communicate with her socially (family group text, mainly pictures of our kids).

We limit how much we tell her about my family. She just couldn't handle it. She was seething with jealousy all the time that I even HAD a family who loved us. The one thing that helped this was her having her OWN relationship with my kids. It helped her feel less threatened that, yes, my three year old does love you! Even though she wasn't interested in you as a 1 year old (because they don't like anyone but mom and dad!).

We don't LET her make us feel guilty. Yes you have that choice! We make our choices for our family, and if she wants to be upset about that, OH WELL! She will skulk around on Xmas and then realize no one cares and will eventually come around. Or not. But then they only person whose Xmas she's ruined is her own. I think she's slowly SLOWLY realizing this. Maybe. We had our best holiday season yet this past year with no meltdowns. So that's a huge win.

But the key part is that DH and I are on the same side always. 100%. I do my best to be loving and sensitive to her, because at her core, she does really love us (and our kids) very much. She's just not terribly good with people skills. I have to zoom out pretty far to remember this sometimes, but it is true.

Making peace with yourself and your actions, and knowing you're doing your best, is a huge step. You sound like you're almost there.

GOOD LUCK!

Thanks for this. DH is 100% on my side and perhaps too much in that he is not good as expressing himself and has yelled at his mom in the past about things she has done. It happened again recently and I feel like when this happens 1, she gets mad at him and stops speaking to him for a while and since he yelled it becomes his fault so she never takes blame for the original issue and 2, I feel like she blames me for what happened and the tension that exists because I exist and DH has taken my side. It is stressful and I spend too much time thinking about the situation.

Ah yes. I'm PP you quoted. In our situation, my MIL is the yeller. My DH is somehow always able to remain cool as a cucumber. This always drives her nuts, mainly because she is dying for him to yell back. If he yells, he should apologize for yelling, but not for whatever happened before. Visits should be cut off before anyone gets to that point.

I do have a few stock phrases for when the yelling sometimes comes my way (usually about my DH). My favorite is "that's not a fair thing to say" or "that's not fair". Something simple and pat. I am NOT arguing with her, ever. But I won't just sit there like a wall flower while she tries to get me to pile on my DH too.

The other thing I do, which I read about here, is to be dumb and cheerful. I pretend I don't even notice the tension! Just keep going about my day, taking care of the kids. Oh what, someone was yelling? I didn't notice! Where's the bananas/crackers/milk? Taking the children outside is always a good idea! If she tries to corner me to commit to something, I always send her to my DH. "Oh I'm not sure! You should ask DH".

But the key part was to stop caring that she didn't treat me the same way my family does. There is a distance there, and I had to learn to be ok with that. Because it's not how my family works at all. I had to do it for my own protection. I was getting my feelings hurt and feeling upset after every visit. When I changed my way of thinking, it really helped. I just ignore a lot of her comments now. It's taken a lot of practice.

Good advice. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

OP, the posters with "good/decent" MIL will be here soon to pile it on you. Frankly, your MIL is NOT your problem. Do not worry about your children - soon, they will be old enough to make up their own minds. It is no longer the 1950's where "children are seen and not heard" - as MIL would like it to be. How MIL is remembered is entirely up to her, and children are NOT stupid. If your MIL can not show you respect, it is very likely she does not respect herself, and has some unresolved issues of her own that she is trying to foist on you. Do not let her. Again, she is NOT your problem.

Go about your life as if she is who she is - an unhappy person who has no bearing on you whosoever. As you can see, there are enough people familiar with this negative dynamic, you are not alone. The PP who mentioned NPD is onto something - read about it. For MIL's like this, she will not be happy as long as you are happy. Don't give her what she wants emotionally, because it will never be enough. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Stay away from her as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

You're going to have to let go of the idea that people have to like you and have close relationships with you, just because they're relatives. She is who she is, and the best you can do is to facilitate a low-drama, harmonious relationship, as shallow as it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to have to let go of the idea that people have to like you and have close relationships with you, just because they're relatives. She is who she is, and the best you can do is to facilitate a low-drama, harmonious relationship, as shallow as it needs to be.

+1

This! There are no guarantees that you'll be close or even enjoy each other as people just because you are in-laws. Also, you can't control what other people do, only your actions. Be polite and respectful whenever you interact with her. Just imagine she's a really difficult work client. And let your husband all the interactions with her. If your husband is okay with a more distant relationship, let it be. She's his mother.

[Anonymous]

You overshot at the beginning.

It sounds like DH was right—less frequent visits are better. And the amount you described means your kids will know her quite well.

Your job is to a) accept it and b) makes dealing with her DH’s problem. In fact, be absent some times when she is around—even better let DH take the kids to visit her without you. Use it as time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hmm... you really haven't provided concrete examples of how she pouts or avoids you, or what hurtful comments she made.
So we don't know whether you're hypersensitive and looking for stuff that isn't there, or genuinely a victim.