Reply to How to Move Forward Once You Realize MIL Just Doesn't Like You

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Key sentence, OP: "She somehow makes me feel guilty."

Learning to let that go--because it's coming from inside you as much as, maybe more than, it's coming from her -- is key, here.

The other thing to let go: The regretfulness of "I feel sad for our children." You have a surface relationship with her; they might not, as they get older. But if you are sad about this, your kids will pick up on it. Being sad is also fine, but not as a constant state.

You mention how "I am more direct and have tried to reach out..." and how "rather than working on an issue" she sulks. It's past time to stop "working on" things and "reaching out" and "being direct." It doesn't work the way you want it to work, and it only makes things worse, as you note yourself -- she only interprets it as attack, not as working to get to some better resolution. So stop.

I know all these things are very easy for someone out here to say and very hard for you to DO, but they are all things you alone can do. She's not engaging in the lets-fix-this work, you are; she's not seeing a sad relationship with her grandkids, you are. I think you're right, for what that's worth; ideally she [i]would[/i][i] want a deeper friendship with you and you could talk like adults about issues between you. But that doesn't happen. You start off saying you've accepted that she doesn't like you -- but have you really accepted that you need to change the behavior of trying so hard to change the relationship yourself?

Yes, continue the surface relationship. It's not wrong or evil to have simply "hi there, let's take a photo" interactions and to let her avoid you if she chooses. Take the energy you're now expending on wishing things were different and spend it on your relationships that are actually deep - with the kids, your DH, others you love. Be cordial, and stop trying anything more that makes her feel slighted.

You say your DH is fine with current level of interaction and that is good news. He's not pushing you to be his mother's best friend or to go see his mother more often. That is positive for this situation.--can you see that, OP? She's not pushing for more of a relationship with you; DH is not pushing for that either; she isn't entangled in your life as a babysitter to your kids, or a constant visitor to your house, or in other ways that would make this much more difficult. All that is good. The one feeling bad, wanting to discuss, wanting more is you, and you can't control her but can only control or change yourself. [/quote]

Thanks, this is very helpful.  I know that I need to let go, care less, and be ok with the surface.  I can't help to feel hurt and a bit offended that she doesn't seem to like me and seems to place me lowest on the list in terms of priorities in the family but the hard part is not caring about it.  There is definitely a sense of loss when we can't share our joy in the same way that we do with my family.[/quote]

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