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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP!  Do we have the same MIL?!  Our situations are incredible similar.

A few things:  My DH does all logistics communicating with her.  Pretty much 95% of it.  I only communicate with her socially (family group text, mainly pictures of our kids).

We limit how much we tell her about my family.  She just couldn't handle it.  She was seething with jealousy all the time that I even HAD a family who loved us.  The one thing that helped this was her having her OWN relationship with my kids.  It helped her feel less threatened that, yes, my three year old does love you!  Even though she wasn't interested in you as a 1 year old (because they don't like anyone but mom and dad!).

We don't LET her make us feel guilty.  Yes you have that choice!  We make our choices for our family, and if she wants to be upset about that, OH WELL!  She will skulk around on Xmas and then realize no one cares and will eventually come around.  Or not.  But then they only person whose Xmas she's ruined is her own.  I think she's slowly SLOWLY realizing this.  Maybe.  We had our best holiday season yet this past year with no meltdowns.  So that's a huge win.

But the key part is that DH and I are on the same side always.  100%.  I do my best to be loving and sensitive to her, because at her core, she does really love us (and our kids) very much.  She's just not terribly good with people skills.  I have to zoom out pretty far to remember this sometimes, but it is true.

Making peace with yourself and your actions, and knowing you're doing your best, is a huge step.  You sound like you're almost there.

GOOD LUCK![/quote]

Thanks for this.  DH is 100% on my side and perhaps too much in that he is not good as expressing himself and has yelled at his mom in the past about things she has done.  It happened again recently and I feel like when this happens 1, she gets mad at him and stops speaking to him for a while and since he yelled it becomes his fault so she never takes blame for the original issue and 2, I feel like she blames me for what happened and the tension that exists because I exist and DH has taken my side.  It is stressful and I spend too much time thinking about the situation. [/quote]

Ah yes.  I'm PP you quoted.  In our situation, my MIL is the yeller.  My DH is somehow always able to remain cool as a cucumber.  This always drives her nuts, mainly because she is dying for him to yell back.  If he yells, he should apologize for yelling, but not for whatever happened before.  Visits should be cut off before anyone gets to that point.

I do have a few stock phrases for when the yelling sometimes comes my way (usually about my DH).  My favorite is "that's not a fair thing to say" or "that's not fair".  Something simple and pat.  I am NOT arguing with her, ever.  But I won't just sit there like a wall flower while she tries to get me to pile on my DH too.

The  other thing I do, which I read about here, is to be dumb and cheerful.  I pretend I don't even notice the tension!  Just keep going about my day, taking care of the kids.  Oh what, someone was yelling?  I didn't notice!  Where's the bananas/crackers/milk?  Taking the children outside is always a good idea!  If she tries to corner me to commit to something, I always send her to my DH.  "Oh I'm not sure!  You should ask DH".

But the key part was to stop caring that she didn't treat me the same way my family does.  There is a distance there, and I had to learn to be ok with that.  Because it's not how my family works at all.  I had to do it for my own protection.  I was getting my feelings hurt and feeling upset after every visit.  When I changed my way of thinking, it really helped.  I just ignore a lot of her comments now.  It's taken a lot of practice.[/quote]

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