How to Move Forward Once You Realize MIL Just Doesn't Like You

[Anonymous]

You've made efforts to make it better. It kind of sounds like she's actually making efforts, too, but can't get out of her own way.

Her loss. Be kind, be polite, be cordial. If she ever comes to you and wants to talk something through and "go deeper," try to be open to that, if you feel you can be.

But for now, be OK with "surface," and try to keep that surface as calm as possible.

If she says something truly hurtful or rude, speak up: "Nancy, I'm not sure what you meant by that, but I have to say that it hurt my feelings. I'd appreicate it if you didn't make comments like that again."

Do your best to be cordial, and keep it moving. This is not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not that she doesn't like you...its that she hates herself. It's more about her being emotionally stunted. She sounds like a sulky, spoiled teenager. And do we care if they don't like us?

Remember the mantra of the Narcissist: I'm the piece of crap that the world revolves around.

Just be greatful your DH turned out well with this woman for a mom!

OP here, I think the part that really messes with my mind is that she is considered to be very nice and generous by so many people. She also has been generous with our kids. She cooks meals for people, sends flowers to people whose dogs have died, etc. Yet I never feel that warmth. Some years she mails me cards for my birthday or mother's day. Some years a gift and other years nothing. It could be because she views me as competition for DH's time or that since I have my own family or we have our own life, things are not as she'd like all the time. DH's other siblings are divorced and no kids.

Most Narcs can seem like the sweetest people to outsiders. But its all for show.

x10000

So true. My MIL is like this--she goes around literally saying that everyone LOVES her and that she's so nice, etc, and talking about what an amazing giver and martyr she is, all for the happiness of others (barf), and she does things for others for show and to manipulate them into owing her something. All a show. She has her extended family and acquaintances parroting her words about herself.

If you see her mask slip, though, or if you're one of her designated villains (whoever she finds an obstacle or difficult to control), HOLY HELL is she horrible to deal with. And she's totally cold to the people you'd think she'd be loving towards, like her grandkids.

Since getting to know her dark side, I now consider it a red flag any time I hear too many people parroting the same over-the-top kinds of comments about one person.

[Anonymous]

I am on the opposite side as I dislike my MIL
I am trying to limit our communication to only once a month,though she is bored out of her mind and want to see me constantly. I dislike her toxic personality, her prude views of life, her judgment and her constantly calling me names( like monster). At the same time she constantly wants to hang out with me. I don't know how to call it even.

[Anonymous]

At least your husband supports you. I know a guy who left his wife because his mother and sister were angry at his wife for being friends with the stepmother..mother and father were divorced for about 17 years! They excluded her from events, were angry at her parents for their friendship, too and excluded them from things, talked about her behind her back..it was awful. The huge asshole lives with mommy now.

[Anonymous]

passive aggressive... hurtful comments ...ignored me ... avoided me ... upset ... immature ... sulky ... attack ... slighted... how MIL treats me ... how she reacts ...makes me feel guilty ... acts sulky ... avoids me ...This is a whole lot of negativity, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:passive aggressive... hurtful comments ...ignored me ... avoided me ... upset ... immature ... sulky ... attack ... slighted... how MIL treats me ... how she reacts ...makes me feel guilty ... acts sulky ... avoids me ...This is a whole lot of negativity, Op.

+1 Makes you wonder how the MIL perceives her DIL. The truth is somewhere in the middle. It is always interesting to me when I read a list of attributes and they are ALL negative. Really? You couldn't find 1 good thing to say about the mother of your husband? Hhhhmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to have to let go of the idea that people have to like you and have close relationships with you, just because they're relatives. She is who she is, and the best you can do is to facilitate a low-drama, harmonious relationship, as shallow as it needs to be.

+1

This! There are no guarantees that you'll be close or even enjoy each other as people just because you are in-laws. Also, you can't control what other people do, only your actions. Be polite and respectful whenever you interact with her. Just imagine she's a really difficult work client. And let your husband all the interactions with her. If your husband is okay with a more distant relationship, let it be. She's his mother.

+1

OP. I have been there as well. And the PP summarizes much of what I have learned over time. I do not have the relationship that I envisioned with my MIL, but she is the MIL I have. We have a superficial, low-drama relationship but my kids who are now grown never picked up on it. They just have nice memories of our family together. Some friends who have very close relationships with their MIL have told me that I am "lucky" to have a simple, cordial relationship with mine. I am not sure what they mean exactly because I haven't walked in their shoes, but I think they were eluding to the fact that with closeness sometimes comes drama? IDK but I took it as a positive and sometimes think that the grass is greener.....

[Anonymous]

Maybe if you used paragraphs she would like you.

[Anonymous]

Cultivate deeper relationships elsewhere, with people who truly want close relationships with you.

Be kind to her, be considerate, be open if she ever does want to connect on a closer level.

Keep it moving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cultivate deeper relationships elsewhere, with people who truly want close relationships with you.

Be kind to her, be considerate, be open if she ever does want to connect on a closer level.

Keep it moving!

+1

MIL is not your problem, OP. MIL probably doesn't like herself.