How to Move Forward Once You Realize MIL Just Doesn't Like You

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm... you really haven't provided concrete examples of how she pouts or avoids you, or what hurtful comments she made.
So we don't know whether you're hypersensitive and looking for stuff that isn't there, or genuinely a victim.

NP but I think pouting, avoiding and hurtful comments say it all. Go gray rock or no contact. It's life changing.

[Anonymous]

It's not that she doesn't like you...its that she hates herself. It's more about her being emotionally stunted. She sounds like a sulky, spoiled teenager. And do we care if they don't like us?

Remember the mantra of the Narcissist: I'm the piece of crap that the world revolves around.

Just be greatful your DH turned out well with this woman for a mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not that she doesn't like you...its that she hates herself. It's more about her being emotionally stunted. She sounds like a sulky, spoiled teenager. And do we care if they don't like us?

Remember the mantra of the Narcissist: I'm the piece of crap that the world revolves around.

Just be greatful your DH turned out well with this woman for a mom!

OP here, I think the part that really messes with my mind is that she is considered to be very nice and generous by so many people. She also has been generous with our kids. She cooks meals for people, sends flowers to people whose dogs have died, etc. Yet I never feel that warmth. Some years she mails me cards for my birthday or mother's day. Some years a gift and other years nothing. It could be because she views me as competition for DH's time or that since I have my own family or we have our own life, things are not as she'd like all the time. DH's other siblings are divorced and no kids.

[Anonymous]

OP your MIL likes controlling you. Take that away from her. When she says or does something nasty just smile and say "whoa bad mood today?" and laugh. Then disengage. You don't have to put up with this from anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not that she doesn't like you...its that she hates herself. It's more about her being emotionally stunted. She sounds like a sulky, spoiled teenager. And do we care if they don't like us?

Remember the mantra of the Narcissist: I'm the piece of crap that the world revolves around.

Just be greatful your DH turned out well with this woman for a mom!

OP here, I think the part that really messes with my mind is that she is considered to be very nice and generous by so many people. She also has been generous with our kids. She cooks meals for people, sends flowers to people whose dogs have died, etc. Yet I never feel that warmth. Some years she mails me cards for my birthday or mother's day. Some years a gift and other years nothing. It could be because she views me as competition for DH's time or that since I have my own family or we have our own life, things are not as she'd like all the time. DH's other siblings are divorced and no kids.

Most Narcs can seem like the sweetest people to outsiders. But its all for show.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how I would have handled it if my in-laws lived nearby but because they lived 2000 miles away it was easy. Once I realized my MIL (and maybe the rest of them too) didn't care for me all that much I stopped going along on visits to see them. I told my husband to take the kids and have a great time. I'm pretty sure that was a win-win for everyone. I was very happy and I think my in-laws (especially MIL) loved having their cherished son and grandkids to themselves with no regard necessary for me, I even think my husband and kids enjoyed it more too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to have to let go of the idea that people have to like you and have close relationships with you, just because they're relatives. She is who she is, and the best you can do is to facilitate a low-drama, harmonious relationship, as shallow as it needs to be.

I was you OP at year 8, though I knew from the start that she didn’t want us to get married or like me. It’s 20 years later and I can honestly say I don’t give a fig. I don’t call her, don’t talk to her, but am pleasant at family functions. The irony is that I think she grew to like me over time, and certainly to respect me, but the reverse isn’t true. She could have had my undying loyalty, but I got older and more confident and went the total other direction to not caring about her at all. Not wishing her harm, just wanting distance. She is a diagnosed narcissist for what it’s worth. Also maybe borderline. She’s her own worst enemy, and I pity her now but she doesn’t cause me pain. I hope you get to that place someday.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused when you say that MIL wants a surface-level relationship, but also that you're involved with her to the degreee that involves confrontation and yelling. Surface-level implies to me that you stick to safe topics of conversation, don't share deeply emotional and private confidences, and don't spend a whole lot of time together. If that's the case, where is the friction? Why can't you just internally roll your eyes, say, "Sure, Betty, I am probably harming the kids by working outside the home/breastfeeding/sending them to summer camp" and laugh about her nonsense later with DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to have to let go of the idea that people have to like you and have close relationships with you, just because they're relatives. She is who she is, and the best you can do is to facilitate a low-drama, harmonious relationship, as shallow as it needs to be.

+1

This! There are no guarantees that you'll be close or even enjoy each other as people just because you are in-laws. Also, you can't control what other people do, only your actions. Be polite and respectful whenever you interact with her. Just imagine she's a really difficult work client. And let your husband all the interactions with her. If your husband is okay with a more distant relationship, let it be. She's his mother.

+2 Accept her as she is and move on. Just always be polite and respectful. It is a low bar for you: you don't have to like her; you just have to not act like a b when you're around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not that she doesn't like you...its that she hates herself. It's more about her being emotionally stunted. She sounds like a sulky, spoiled teenager. And do we care if they don't like us?

Remember the mantra of the Narcissist: I'm the piece of crap that the world revolves around.

Just be greatful your DH turned out well with this woman for a mom![/quote]

+1

DP here. I think I am going to frame this and put this on my wall. In my case, MIL is moving out of the family house, which held a half century of bad memories. Maybe, just maybe, this will make her a slightly better person (she has no room to go in the other direction, as she is petulantly miserable). Probably not, but I understand holding out hope for rotten people, OP. One thing I have learned is that that not all people are as grateful as they should be, they are stunted and can't stay in their own lane, and think that other people are not entitled to their own educated voice. Their loss, not yours. People like that think it is your loss that they "don't let you play" with them, because that is how they think. Again, stunted. Did I say stunted? Do you really want to be around that negativity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're going to have to let go of the idea that people have to like you and have close relationships with you, just because they're relatives. She is who she is, and the best you can do is to facilitate a low-drama, harmonious relationship, as shallow as it needs to be.

+1

This! There are no guarantees that you'll be close or even enjoy each other as people just because you are in-laws. Also, you can't control what other people do, only your actions. Be polite and respectful whenever you interact with her. Just imagine she's a really difficult work client. And let your husband all the interactions with her. If your husband is okay with a more distant relationship, let it be. She's his mother.

+2 Accept her as she is and move on. Just always be polite and respectful. It is a low bar for you: you don't have to like her; you just have to not act like a b when you're around her.

+3

Good advice - the bar is indeed low

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not that she doesn't like you...its that she hates herself. It's more about her being emotionally stunted. She sounds like a sulky, spoiled teenager. And do we care if they don't like us?

Remember the mantra of the Narcissist: I'm the piece of crap that the world revolves around.

Just be greatful your DH turned out well with this woman for a mom!

OP here, I think the part that really messes with my mind is that she is considered to be very nice and generous by so many people. She also has been generous with our kids. She cooks meals for people, sends flowers to people whose dogs have died, etc. Yet I never feel that warmth. Some years she mails me cards for my birthday or mother's day. Some years a gift and other years nothing. It could be because she views me as competition for DH's time or that since I have my own family or we have our own life, things are not as she'd like all the time. DH's other siblings are divorced and no kids.

Most Narcs can seem like the sweetest people to outsiders. But its all for show.

x10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your MIL likes controlling you. Take that away from her. When she says or does something nasty just smile and say "whoa bad mood today?" and laugh. Then disengage. You don't have to put up with this from anyone.[/quote]

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure how I would have handled it if my in-laws lived nearby but because they lived 2000 miles away it was easy. Once I realized my MIL (and maybe the rest of them too) didn't care for me all that much I stopped going along on visits to see them. I told my husband to take the kids and have a great time. I'm pretty sure that was a win-win for everyone. I was very happy and I think my in-laws (especially MIL) loved having their cherished son and grandkids to themselves with no regard necessary for me, I even think my husband and kids enjoyed it more too.

+1

This, OP. Actually, it didn't matter who your DH married, it would have been the same, so it is not you.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is something wrong with petulant adults who claim "I just *don't LIKE* him/her". The ability to be minimally gracious is what differentiates adults from children in civilized society. Of course, this is assuming that your Mil 1.) does not act like a child and 2.) is civilized. Since she seems to be able to do neither small actions, it is not on you to "make her better" - she is a wound that just won't heal - but not your wound.