Obsessive rumination over bad relationship with my mother

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if anyone has tips or commiseration for me because I just can't stop thinking about and obsessing over how badly my relationship with my mother has turned out to be. I expected her to be a helpful, pleasant grandmother and support to me as I had my own children. She couldn't wait until children were born and was eager to move closer to us to "help out". This has gone very poorly.

I am an only child and she is my only family member other than some aunts and uncles. She is constantly negative, critical, not helpful to me or DH with the grandchildren, quick to anger, and generally unpleasant to be around. She has let me down several times with big events and expenses, and has never apologized or accepted responsibility. She expects to be invited on every day trip and vacation we go on as a family. She recently said to me that she was angry my DH and I did not invite her on a recent date night! She complains that she doesn't see the grandchildren enough, yet cancels plans at the last minute because she has better offers. She also is easily overwhelmed with all of my children and lashes out at them and criticizes them for normal child behaviors.

I wake up at night and stew about how angry she makes me feel and how alone I am. I need to move past this but am not sure how. Its been going on for at least 6 months and building steadily as our interactions and slights increase. I cannot talk to her openly about it as she becomes defensive and nasty to me, screaming, saying mean things.

Any advice? Book recommendations? I am just so tired of the BS.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I have to say that you need to adjust your expectations. What you imagined in the relationship was ideal, but not reality. Some of this can be attributed to aging, but some may just be a result of selfishness. Accept that at all times your children are your responsibility and deal with it. This gives you a burden, but also total control. If you must have help or assistance with your kids you will have to hire it out. It may be that your mother is now also a very child like burden for you as well. Sometimes mental age does not match her physical abilities and while she may be strong and fit, she may be loosing her mind. This can manifest in anger and poor decision making. You may need to get your mother evaluated. Start there and if your mother is healthy mentally and physically, then you need to be honest about expectations and set appropriate boundaries. This can only be accomplished by stating clearly what you will allow. It would not hurt your relationship to have just told your mother that if she had been invited to dinner you wouldn’t have expected sex afterwards. Sometimes the direct approach it the most effective.

[Anonymous]

I do the same thing, OP. Too much coffee makes it a lot worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, stop ruminating about this. Whenever these thoughts pop into your head, you notice them and consciously switch you attention/inner monologue to something pleasant. It will become easier as you practice.

Learn to speak your mind and accept that you cannot control your mother's feelings. I liked PP's advice above.

[Anonymous]

Limit contact, ignore all tantrums.
If she visits or calls, say "this is not a good time, bye".
If she asks for an explanation, say "you are very negative and critical, so we need a break from you." And don't argue, just hang up or close the door.

[Anonymous]

You need to create firm boundaries. Do not tell her about date nights. Do not count on her to babysit. Do not tell her about trips or vacations. Treat her like a distant relative.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
"That won't work for us." Why? "It just won't. But we can ______."

Do not EVER give reasons why you are saying no. Mourn what you wish you had - a mother who would sew cute things for your kids and bake cookies with them. Then let go of it. You may have to mourn it more than once. That's okay.

[Anonymous]

Any book about setting boundaries. Get this fixed so you don't pass this behavior model on to your kids.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a lot more helpful, but she's also verbally abusive, quick to anger, and highly critical. I find myself obsessively ruminating over our relationship too. Agree that firm boundaries are a must. I engage less, and change my expectations.

[Anonymous]

Another poster with mother issues here! OP all I can say is that the ultimate goal for you should be to accept your mom with all her warts and plan accordingly. Before reaching that more detached point (which might even involve severely limiting your time with her) you will be angry, let down, and grieve. It took me several years from the point I realized exactly why my mom made me feel so hurt and angry (she is selfish and unreliable even though I am a good daughter who has been there for her) to when I had finally worked through the negative feelings and can just take her as she is albeit with tight boundaries.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone OP..I feel I had to tell you this because I too am going through this. On top of our complicated relationship my granny has just died over the holidays. My mother continually threatens to "off herself" since she has nothing more to live for. Yup she obviously doesn't feel the need to live for me her daughter, or her grand children. I too am an only child. So wish I had siblings to buffer all of this with. I think people like us need to let go of all of our guilt and baggage that our mother's have placed upon us....therapy I guess.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to the responders. I imagine it will be a long process of feeling the grief and letting go.

[Anonymous]

I think the relationship is different when you are an only. I"m an only and I'm constantly struggling with my relationship with my mom. She has unrealistic ideas of what our relationship should be like, and she's always expected me to be her everything. That's a lot to put on a kid, let alone an adult. She doesn't like boundaries.

I think if it continues to bother you and you are spending lots of timing focusing on it, you probably need to seek some outside help. Just to help you reframe the situation and get a new perspective.

I get you and I empathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the relationship is different when you are an only. I"m an only and I'm constantly struggling with my relationship with my mom. She has unrealistic ideas of what our relationship should be like, and she's always expected me to be her everything. That's a lot to put on a kid, let alone an adult. She doesn't like boundaries.

I think if it continues to bother you and you are spending lots of timing focusing on it, you probably need to seek some outside help. Just to help you reframe the situation and get a new perspective.

I get you and I empathize.

I wish we could be friends. I feel the exact same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the relationship is different when you are an only. I"m an only and I'm constantly struggling with my relationship with my mom. She has unrealistic ideas of what our relationship should be like, and she's always expected me to be her everything. That's a lot to put on a kid, let alone an adult. She doesn't like boundaries.

I think if it continues to bother you and you are spending lots of timing focusing on it, you probably need to seek some outside help. Just to help you reframe the situation and get a new perspective.

I get you and I empathize.

I wish we could be friends. I feel the exact same way.

Thanks -- you made my day!

[Anonymous]

I am a person who is many years out from a situation like this. I now have very limited interaction with my mother and I just want to give you some hope.

Now, I hardly ever think about her. Yes, on some level it's sad that I hardly ever think about my own mother, speak to her infrequently, and she almost never sees my kids. On the other hand, I'm way happier. So much happier. It is somewhat taboo to say out loud to the world that you aren't close to your mother. It feels taboo to even consider this possibility to yourself. Consider the possibility. It's life changing.

This sounds harsh, but you need to disconnect emotionally, which is not a short or easy process. Go see a therapist who will help you.

Good luck.