Obsessive rumination over bad relationship with my mother

[Anonymous]

My father has become a very difficult person to be around. He used to be very pleasant and interesting to talk to, but since retirement and being at home with my mother-- and FOX News-- he has turned into an overly religious, confrontational old man. He's lost his sense of humor and seems to be in a constant battle against "liberals." I can't talk with him much anymore. I think he has a lot of unresolved issues and he is still combating old demons (his bad relationship with his own parents, personal failures, the fact that his kids don't live down the block and attend church every weekend).

It used to bother me more but I've decided to let it go and face the fact that this is who he has chosen to be. This is what makes him comfortable and there's some sort of payoff to being this way. Plus, I think my mom likes this version of him. She's become very religious and is constantly defending Catholicism. They can spend their golden years dreaming up the Crusades. Shrug. I can't stop it.

OP, it has helped me to look at it this way. Getting older isn't easy and some people just choose to approach it with anger, resentment and regrets. They feel powerless and dislike the world. Some people age better and consciously decide to live with happiness and grace. It sounds like you mom has just turned sour. I'd limit contact. Or, if you need to see her more often, just remind yourself that this is who she's become and you have no power against it. She probably has an issue with you and is lashing out for whatever reason, or, again, she's just old and miserable.

[Anonymous]

Growing up means accepting your parents for who they are. People with flaws, their own lives and not at your back and call or you at hers. Start accepting and stop expecting. Just bcs she calls and complains doesn't mean you engage.

[Anonymous]

I also wish we could be friends in real life. This describes my 86 year-old mother to a T. To make matters worse, she has for a sick diad with my brother who has become a pathetic husband substitute for her whom she pumps up on Facebook to enhance a fake presentation of supportive "motherness". She has been a terrible grandmother throughout and now my kids are almost 18. I am so sad and angry all the time about it. I don't talk about this with anyone because it is so so odd and alienating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also wish we could be friends in real life. This describes my 86 year-old mother to a T. To make matters worse, she has for a sick diad with my brother who has become a pathetic husband substitute for her whom she pumps up on Facebook to enhance a fake presentation of supportive "motherness". She has been a terrible grandmother throughout and now my kids are almost 18. I am so sad and angry all the time about it. I don't talk about this with anyone because it is so so odd and alienating.

But it's not that odd, really. People just don't discuss it.

I openly tell people (when it comes up) that my mother isn't a very nice person and isn't interested in her grandkids. And I tell people we're not close. Because I don't have anything to hide. I didn't do anything wrong. It's just how life turned out in this one aspect. It's amazing how many people have their own stories to share. Keeping it bottled up is toxic. See "I am so sad and angry all the time about it."

I'm not saying I never feel sad. I do. Usually when I see someone with a genuine close relationship with their mother. But I don't feel angry ever. And most of the time, I look at all the positives I have in my life (many).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This is what makes him comfortable and there's some sort of payoff to being this way. Plus, I think my mom likes this version of him. She's become very religious and is constantly defending Catholicism. They can spend their golden years dreaming up the Crusades. Shrug. I can't stop it.

OP, it has helped me to look at it this way. Getting older isn't easy and some people just choose to approach it with anger, resentment and regrets. They feel powerless and dislike the world. Some people age better and consciously decide to live with happiness and grace. It sounds like you mom has just turned sour. I'd limit contact.

Not to go off on a political tangent, but sadly I think this is the core of Trump-women. They seem to like their DHs this way. And i is at the core of my more recent cutting off of contact with my mother. I love her, but will not allow her to spout her sexist, racist bile especially around my DD. She has little or no interest in her anyway and pays fawning lipservice to her grandsons only.

[Anonymous]

Especially post-holidays (first time ever with no contact) I stay up ruminating about how my children have grown up with an indifferent grandmother (which is actually worse than no grandmother) and how she has repeatedly stung me with her mean barbs and insults for the last 16 years since my father's death. She and my brother can march down the aisle in their Facebook fairytale, while she props up his failing marriage with her last retirement pennies. I am powerless to stop it.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds really toxic , you need to learn how to set boundaries and learn its okay to say no, sometimes distancing yourself from your mom can be a wonderful thing, my mom is also really negative and enjoys starting drama so I distanced myself from her, we were never close anyway so it was not an issue.

[Anonymous]

The hard part about being an only is you'll have to step up and be the parent to your aging mom at some point. I know from first hand experience. Wish I could convince her to move to assisted living.

[Anonymous]

There is a good book called "Boundaries."

It's important that you work on accepting that your mom has limits and is a flawed person. It's hard to get older, and while some people mellow, others get more difficult and unpleasant with age. Accept it.

Once you accept her as is, you can focus on how you set boundaries, which can mean limiting contact, and must definitely mean limiting how you interact. When she gets negative, you don't engage in it.

Once you have gotten more accepting of her limitations, and have begun to put strict boundaries on how you react and engage with her, you'll let go of your high expectations, and will be able to let go of ruminating over the situation.

[Anonymous]

This was my life OP. I will tell you what worked for me.....extremely low expectations and disengagement. I call all the shots in the relationship now. If I don't want to answer the phone I don't, if I don't want to see her I don't. I no longer hold not the vision of the mom/grand mom I thought I should have. I accept I have to hire out. If I get unexpected help from her I consider it a bonus, not something expected.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. You do need to grieve the loss of your expectations, and then go about setting boundaries and changing your life to suit yourself and not catering to her tantrums and instability. I had to give my own mother a wake-up call a few years ago because she was so critical, constantly berating me for nothing, complaining because I worked outside the home, criticizing my parenting decisions, etc. I took my kids and moved 1,100 miles away one day without telling her I was leaving. (Had everything planned out ahead of time). I had no contact with her for 6 months, and she had no contact with my kids. When I came back, she was a totally different person. We now have a great relationship. She learned not to mess with me, because I don't play around.

[Anonymous]

We're mostly all saying the same thing, aren't we. Because that's what works. And OP, this is very common, so don't feel you're alone. Many cultures don't allow speaking negatively of parents, so you won't hear about it there, and even among more forthright people, we tend not to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

She's not just there to help you. You are also there to help her. She would likely do better having just one or two grandchildren at a time if she's keeping them all day. Evening babysitting is different as its much less exhausting. View her interaction with your kids as relationship building, not just time off for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are clearly sisters.

Here we s what helped me.

1. Seligman's book "Learned Optimism"

2. Therapy.

3. I can't believe I am saying this, but quiet reflection at shul. So yeah, prayer.


I remain a work in progress. I mourn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the relationship is different when you are an only. I"m an only and I'm constantly struggling with my relationship with my mom. She has unrealistic ideas of what our relationship should be like, and she's always expected me to be her everything. That's a lot to put on a kid, let alone an adult. She doesn't like boundaries.

I think if it continues to bother you and you are spending lots of timing focusing on it, you probably need to seek some outside help. Just to help you reframe the situation and get a new perspective.

I get you and I empathize.

I wish we could be friends. I feel the exact same way.

Thanks -- you made my day!

When you new friends go out for coffee, can I come, too?