Obsessive rumination over bad relationship with my mother

[Anonymous]

Onlies in this thread are under the impression that having siblings is some sort of a buffer in similar situations. They're rarely are. Everything is usually the problem of one sibling (sometimes out of many), while the rest turn a blind eye. I think onlies' lives are easier in this respect--at the very least, there's no drama or resentment towards a bunch of people other than your mother.

OP, grow a thicker skin, what else can I say. Accept that your mom is not perfect and make peace with it. Set boundaries that work for you. Don't get upset about other people not meeting your expectations. If I flipped out each time I was let down by others, I'd have a heart attack by now LOL

[Anonymous]

Is this a change from her prior level of functioning? Or as she always been like this, to some extent?

[Anonymous]

Op here-thank you thank you thank you to everyone. I will post a quote from boundaries later today that spoke to me so strongly this morning that I got tears in my eyes first, self care through hot vinyasa yoga!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hard part about being an only is you'll have to step up and be the parent to your aging mom at some point. I know from first hand experience. Wish I could convince her to move to assisted living.

No, you don't. People have a long time to prepare for old age. Anyone who fails to do so thinking their kids will take care od it is selfish.

And if someone refuses to move to assisted living, that's on them. I'm tired of the meme that somehow adult kids are supposed to drop everything and care for elderly parents, especially parents who need around the clock care.

And even worse is parents who are and have always been toxic but think their kids should live in servitude to them.

[Anonymous]

OP I am really sorry you are going through this, first of all. Secondly I have had a similar experience with my own mother, except she was not excited or remotely interested in my having children.

I think your mother and mine and many others feel displaced when the grandchildren come along, its no longer all about them, but all about the kids and they can't handle it. The criticism comes from the fact they want to be the know-all and wise one who everyone sees as a kind of family leader. And it doesn't happen and they get angry and bitter and jealous and act badly and let you down.

We found moving 6000 miles away (to LA from London) helped immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-thank you thank you thank you to everyone. I will post a quote from boundaries later today that spoke to me so strongly this morning that I got tears in my eyes first, self care through hot vinyasa yoga!!

Yay, glad you're doing better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am really sorry you are going through this, first of all. Secondly I have had a similar experience with my own mother, except she was not excited or remotely interested in my having children.

I think your mother and mine and many others feel displaced when the grandchildren come along, its no longer all about them, but all about the kids and they can't handle it. The criticism comes from the fact they want to be the know-all and wise one who everyone sees as a kind of family leader. And it doesn't happen and they get angry and bitter and jealous and act badly and let you down.

We found moving 6000 miles away (to LA from London) helped immensely.

Thank you for this! I think that is a part of it, too. She thought she would become a matriarch but she has turned out to be too unreliable for my DH and I to trust her judgment for too much childcare. She had visions of her dropping into my house whenever she wanted, grabbing a plate of dinner, and leaving as she wished. I shut that down quickly when she came into my house one day when I was in the bathroom and she walked into my sleeping baby's room and stood watching him. I heard someone walking around downstairs and then up to my son's room and was terrified. When I told her how much she scared me, she said "Well then I'll never come over again" and walked out of the house and slammed the door. Yeah.

Anyways, here's the quote I read this morning that helped me. From the book Boundaries.

"Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time. To state to say no to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them, instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed."

WOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a change from her prior level of functioning? Or as she always been like this, to some extent?

She's always been selfish and unreliable. I was often the last kid left at cheerleading and basketball as she would forget to pick me up often or be seriously late. She would often forget projects or assignments that required parent help. She is getting nastier and worse in her old age though. Every other word out of her mouth is a complaint.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to all of this and would love to be friends with all of the posters in the same boat. My dilemma comes from the fact that my daughter adores my Mom because my Mom was her caretaker for the first few years of her life (My Mom is great with small children who give her love and don’t have those own thoughts and opinions.) During that time she made my life miserable, but we had a financial need so we didn’t have a choice. Now that my daughter is older, we want to set more boundaries but feel sad about my daughter always asking to go to my Mom’s house. It hurts. It’s hard. And I rarely discuss it with anyone but my husband as most people think I need to find a way to make it work. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am really sorry you are going through this, first of all. Secondly I have had a similar experience with my own mother, except she was not excited or remotely interested in my having children.

I think your mother and mine and many others feel displaced when the grandchildren come along, its no longer all about them, but all about the kids and they can't handle it. The criticism comes from the fact they want to be the know-all and wise one who everyone sees as a kind of family leader. And it doesn't happen and they get angry and bitter and jealous and act badly and let you down.

We found moving 6000 miles away (to LA from London) helped immensely.

Thank you for this! I think that is a part of it, too. She thought she would become a matriarch but she has turned out to be too unreliable for my DH and I to trust her judgment for too much childcare. She had visions of her dropping into my house whenever she wanted, grabbing a plate of dinner, and leaving as she wished. I shut that down quickly when she came into my house one day when I was in the bathroom and she walked into my sleeping baby's room and stood watching him. I heard someone walking around downstairs and then up to my son's room and was terrified. When I told her how much she scared me, she said "Well then I'll never come over again" and walked out of the house and slammed the door. Yeah.

Anyways, here's the quote I read this morning that helped me. From the book Boundaries.

"Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time. To state to say no to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them, instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed."

WOW.

That book is great, isn't it. I always recommend it. My husband, from a boundary-free family and culture, has read and reread it, and it was helpful for him to finally set some boundaries with his impossible mother.

A huge part of setting boundaries is knowing you're going to get negative reactions, and being prepared and strong enough to handle them. "When you don't please people, people aren't pleased."