Competitive with Sister

[Anonymous]

I have always been competitive with my sister. It’s as if I view her as some sort of threat. My mother tells me that I have been jealous of her since she arrived as a baby. I was sick of sharing everything with her as a child and hated how she had to have the same dresses, shoes and haircut as me. If I got something she needed it too. If I was good at something she’d go ahead and master it too.

As we’ve gotten older it’s gotten worse. She’s basically perfect. Great job, great boyfriend, stunning beautiful.

I’m the chubby low achieving older sister.

I hate hate that I feel this way but I don’t know how to not feel this.

What can I do?

[Anonymous]

Do you love her? Would you care for her if she was sick? Care for her kids?

As for the rest, you can talk yourself out of it. Maybe read some self-help books.

[Anonymous]

I think therapy would be the only thing that will help you. She's probably not competing with you now that she 'won", right? So you need to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her? Would you care for her if she was sick? Care for her kids?

As for the rest, you can talk yourself out of it. Maybe read some self-help books.

You know at times I wonder if I love her if I can resent and hate her this much. But when I hear that she has been ill or gets a setback I genuinely feel tremors and bad for her and do NOT wish her ill.

But when she goes about being her perfect self I am seething with jealousy.

I think what is worse is that she is so...smug? Self assured? I can tell she looks down on me and thinks I am crazy. She never wants to see me or hangout. And whenever I express an opinion she thinks I am crazy.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just feel happy for her? Hint: something big is missing from your life. If you were happy and comfortable in your own skin, you'd feel happy for her. You mentioned her boyfriend and that she's thinner. These are easy things to fix in your life.

[Anonymous]

I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

[Anonymous]

I'm competitive with my older sister. Over the years, however, she's developed this narrative of being the unlucky underdog that I just don't understand.

She was actually mad at me when I told her my house sold in a day. Hers was on the market (in a completely different market) over a year, and she said she just hoped things would be a little crappier for me.

It's wild. I wish her nothing but happiness and success, but she wishes me to have a little bit of struggle. So far, I've just laughed it off because it's her issue, not mine, but I wonder if it will affect our relationship down the road.

Work on you, OP. This has nothing to do with your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

There is one thing you can pity her for. Sad to say, she has you for a sister. She’s never really known kindness and love from her sister — you — has she? All for the crime of being born into your family.

You need to find a way to find and hit your emotional pause button before you react to her, and then stop and ask yourself what kind of sister you really want to be. Choose your words carefully. If you can’t do this on your own, do seek out a therapist’s help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

PP here. I'm wondering what started this dynamic and whether your parents contributed to it.
I have to say, when I was in my teens and in my early 20's there were some things that I was envious about my sister, for example her ease at making new friends. But I didn't hide my envy from her. I remember a conversation we had where I told her I admired her sense of adventure and extrovertedness and she told me about how she looked up to me as a kid, which surprised me because I was (and am) such a geek.
It sounds like the two of you are stuck in a pattern of competition. I'm sure there are some things your sister is or was envious about you. You could try letting your guard down and trying to have an honest conversation with her, but you know her better than me if she'll take advantage of that.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to stop blaming yourself and get yourself into therapy. This isn't about your sister -- it's about yourself! You sound depressed. You are probably a perfectionist and are focusing on your sister because she's the closest possibility of another person "being" you, and it's the perfect opportunity to compare. But it's not fair to you or to her.

It's really unclear from your post whether she is still competitive or if you're just jealous -- or possibly you're reading competition into a situation that isn't there. It's normal to be a bit competitive with a sibling, and it's understandable that you might feel frustrated if it seems like things come more easily to her. But your life shouldn't revolve around that.

You also don't know what possibilities there are out there -- maybe you could have a really great relationship with her if the circumstances were right. Maybe she doesn't feel competitive at all and wishes you would stop being competitive with her. Maybe she feels totally inadequate because she thinks you are perfect and is thus pushing herself all the time to do more. Until you try to address your own feelings, you will never know.

[Anonymous]

My older sister and my younger sister have this relationship. Both are beautiful and very fortunate, but my younger one is just a little more wealthy, and this makes my older one insane with jealousy. Crazy I know, but it disrupts the entire family dynamic and makes the other members of the family miserable to be around them.
Please get help, even if you don't think its your fault.

Lucky to be the poor sister.

[Anonymous]

So you have spent your whole life resenting her and now wonder why she doesn't let her guard down around you?

She was just a kid too. With her own insecurities. And instead of being a champion, a safe place for her to share those things, you hated her for the ways she was different from you.

Once this narrative is written in your mind, you will only see things that confirm it to you. That she gets it "easier" and she's "happier" and that "poor you" etc.

Only you can change the narrative. But do it to find happiness within yourself. Your sister might not be interested in having a relationship beyond what you do now. The first step would be your ability to be genuinely happy for her. Not faking it, but actually happy to see her doing well.

I'd explore this with a therapist. You have a lot to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

I don't think that's the case if your parents are saying they saw signs of jealousy from you since the very beginning.