Competitive with Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is one thing you can pity her for. Sad to say, she has you for a sister. She’s never really known kindness and love from her sister — you — has she? All for the crime of being born into your family.

You need to find a way to find and hit your emotional pause button before you react to her, and then stop and ask yourself what kind of sister you really want to be. Choose your words carefully. If you can’t do this on your own, do seek out a therapist’s help.

Apparently, everyone who didn't have a sister to begin with should just go ahead and kill themselves. They're utterly miserable in this life!

Some of the sh*t I read here is stunningly dumb.

OP, it is what it is. Lose weight. Seriously, do it. It will be a game-changer for you. If having a relationship with your sister makes you unhappy for whatever reason, minimize your contact and focus on you. This is all you can do, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

No one is perfect. You need to work on being happy with yourself, regardless of whatever she has going on. When I was younger I was jealous of my friends who had what I wanted. Now I have what I want and I'm not remotely jealous of them when they get great things. Being able to be truly happy for someone else's success is fun, so make your own life happen and your jealous will go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

No one is perfect. You need to work on being happy with yourself, regardless of whatever she has going on. When I was younger I was jealous of my friends who had what I wanted. Now I have what I want and I'm not remotely jealous of them when they get great things. Being able to be truly happy for someone else's success is fun, so make your own life happen and your jealous will go away.

The thing is one can feel perfectly fine about themselves and still find themselves out of step with seemingly more successful people. It's one thing if the more successful person is a casual acquaintance. It's different when it's an immediate family member. They're sisters and are expected to feel a certain way about each other, yet they live in different worlds that only collide during family gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

No one is perfect. You need to work on being happy with yourself, regardless of whatever she has going on. When I was younger I was jealous of my friends who had what I wanted. Now I have what I want and I'm not remotely jealous of them when they get great things. Being able to be truly happy for someone else's success is fun, so make your own life happen and your jealous will go away.

The thing is one can feel perfectly fine about themselves and still find themselves out of step with seemingly more successful people. It's one thing if the more successful person is a casual acquaintance. It's different when it's an immediate family member. They're sisters and are expected to feel a certain way about each other, yet they live in different worlds that only collide during family gatherings.

I'm the PP. I guess my feeling is, no one is more successful than me because I love my life. Sure, I have friends who make more money or have a bigger house or nicer cars or whatever. But I love MY job, house, car, etc, so I'm not jealous that theirs are "better." I guess what I'm saying is, if you're happy with your own life, then no one else is more successful in your eyes, even if they are by general standards. Maybe it's just my friends, but the ones who are truly happy are the ones who think they're the most successful, even if they're not. The ones who worry about what other people have are not happy.

[Anonymous]

This is really all about your perspective and how you feel she treats you. Therapy is probably the best idea and I bet it will have a huge impact on how you view yourself overall -- not just in relation to your sister.

You have low self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

No one is perfect. You need to work on being happy with yourself, regardless of whatever she has going on. When I was younger I was jealous of my friends who had what I wanted. Now I have what I want and I'm not remotely jealous of them when they get great things. Being able to be truly happy for someone else's success is fun, so make your own life happen and your jealous will go away.

The thing is one can feel perfectly fine about themselves and still find themselves out of step with seemingly more successful people. It's one thing if the more successful person is a casual acquaintance. It's different when it's an immediate family member. They're sisters and are expected to feel a certain way about each other, yet they live in different worlds that only collide during family gatherings.

I'm the PP. I guess my feeling is, no one is more successful than me because I love my life. Sure, I have friends who make more money or have a bigger house or nicer cars or whatever. But I love MY job, house, car, etc, so I'm not jealous that theirs are "better." I guess what I'm saying is, if you're happy with your own life, then no one else is more successful in your eyes, even if they are by general standards. Maybe it's just my friends, but the ones who are truly happy are the ones who think they're the most successful, even if they're not. The ones who worry about what other people have are not happy.

PP, you can be happy with your life and still acknowledge that other people enjoy more money, happier love life, or better metabolism When it's someone this close, it's virtually impossible to pretend you live in a vacuum and avoid all comparison. They're sisters. Obviously, everyone who knows them will compare them.

As far as friends who have more money, you either speak about acquaintances, or your situations are at least comparable. It is difficult to invest in a close relationship with someone who can afford to live in another world. It's not all about envy. It's also about logistics. If your friends can't afford the events and venues you frequent, how much time do you think you will be spending together? And vice versa, there may be people who'd be willing to pay to invite you into their world, but how long will you accept charity before it gets uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

I feel so sad for you and for your sister as well. Please consider getting therapy, because it must be wretched to feel this way, I’m sure. Plus, you’re denying yourself one of the richer relationships a person can ever have – closeness with a sibling.

If it makes you feel better, I have a younger sister who is objectively more beautiful, and went into the same career that I had embarked on years earlier and now outearns me by a factor of 10. And I am freaking delighted for her. The only thing annoying about the situation is when my parents ask me why I’m not doing as well as she is. But that has nothing to do with her – that has to do with my parents being momentarily stupid.

So I promise you, feeling differently is possible. I’m not sure if you reached this place because of dynamics your parents established, because of unhappiness with your own life, or whatever – but a therapist can help you get to the bottom of it. You don’t have to feel this way. Your sister could end up being your greatest ally and closest friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is one thing you can pity her for. Sad to say, she has you for a sister. She’s never really known kindness and love from her sister — you — has she? All for the crime of being born into your family.

You need to find a way to find and hit your emotional pause button before you react to her, and then stop and ask yourself what kind of sister you really want to be. Choose your words carefully. If you can’t do this on your own, do seek out a therapist’s help.

Apparently, everyone who didn't have a sister to begin with should just go ahead and kill themselves. They're utterly miserable in this life!

Some of the sh*t I read here is stunningly dumb.

OP, it is what it is. Lose weight. Seriously, do it. It will be a game-changer for you. If having a relationship with your sister makes you unhappy for whatever reason, minimize your contact and focus on you. This is all you can do, really.

What I wrote was specifically for the OP and for her situation. It’s a harsh experience to grow up with a sibling who is always angry and antagonistic toward you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

No one is perfect. You need to work on being happy with yourself, regardless of whatever she has going on. When I was younger I was jealous of my friends who had what I wanted. Now I have what I want and I'm not remotely jealous of them when they get great things. Being able to be truly happy for someone else's success is fun, so make your own life happen and your jealous will go away.

The thing is one can feel perfectly fine about themselves and still find themselves out of step with seemingly more successful people. It's one thing if the more successful person is a casual acquaintance. It's different when it's an immediate family member. They're sisters and are expected to feel a certain way about each other, yet they live in different worlds that only collide during family gatherings.

I'm the PP. I guess my feeling is, no one is more successful than me because I love my life. Sure, I have friends who make more money or have a bigger house or nicer cars or whatever. But I love MY job, house, car, etc, so I'm not jealous that theirs are "better." I guess what I'm saying is, if you're happy with your own life, then no one else is more successful in your eyes, even if they are by general standards. Maybe it's just my friends, but the ones who are truly happy are the ones who think they're the most successful, even if they're not. The ones who worry about what other people have are not happy.

PP, you can be happy with your life and still acknowledge that other people enjoy more money, happier love life, or better metabolism When it's someone this close, it's virtually impossible to pretend you live in a vacuum and avoid all comparison. They're sisters. Obviously, everyone who knows them will compare them.

As far as friends who have more money, you either speak about acquaintances, or your situations are at least comparable. It is difficult to invest in a close relationship with someone who can afford to live in another world. It's not all about envy. It's also about logistics. If your friends can't afford the events and venues you frequent, how much time do you think you will be spending together? And vice versa, there may be people who'd be willing to pay to invite you into their world, but how long will you accept charity before it gets uncomfortable?

PP here. Of course I acknowledge that other people have more money, better metabolism, whatever. But I don't CARE. OP said she was jealous. I'm not jealous of those people because I'm happy with what I have. I can compare myself to all of my friends, and some of them are skinnier than me, or richer than me, or have a bigger house than me, etc. But I'm not jealous of what they have.

And I don't understand the world in which you live, because I make four times what my best friend and her husband make combined (I'm ignoring my husband's income, which is higher than mine), so we do live in different worlds (i.e. I have a maid, she cleans her own house, we go on nice vacations, she goes to a relative's house, etc.) but it has not affected our friendship. We've been best friends for over 20 years and spend a ton of time together. I feel sorry for people like you who let money get in the way of friendships.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you are crazy and who would want to hang out with such a negative force. You need to get counseling as that is not normal. Life is too short for this behavior. What do you think you can accomplish with the amount of energy and time you put into this dedicit thinking? Perhaps you could improve your life, lose weight and be more positive towards her.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to focus on yourself. Start with losing weight, that will help you tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

No one is perfect. You need to work on being happy with yourself, regardless of whatever she has going on. When I was younger I was jealous of my friends who had what I wanted. Now I have what I want and I'm not remotely jealous of them when they get great things. Being able to be truly happy for someone else's success is fun, so make your own life happen and your jealous will go away.

The thing is one can feel perfectly fine about themselves and still find themselves out of step with seemingly more successful people. It's one thing if the more successful person is a casual acquaintance. It's different when it's an immediate family member. They're sisters and are expected to feel a certain way about each other, yet they live in different worlds that only collide during family gatherings.

I'm the PP. I guess my feeling is, no one is more successful than me because I love my life. Sure, I have friends who make more money or have a bigger house or nicer cars or whatever. But I love MY job, house, car, etc, so I'm not jealous that theirs are "better." I guess what I'm saying is, if you're happy with your own life, then no one else is more successful in your eyes, even if they are by general standards. Maybe it's just my friends, but the ones who are truly happy are the ones who think they're the most successful, even if they're not. The ones who worry about what other people have are not happy.

PP, you can be happy with your life and still acknowledge that other people enjoy more money, happier love life, or better metabolism When it's someone this close, it's virtually impossible to pretend you live in a vacuum and avoid all comparison. They're sisters. Obviously, everyone who knows them will compare them.

As far as friends who have more money, you either speak about acquaintances, or your situations are at least comparable. It is difficult to invest in a close relationship with someone who can afford to live in another world. It's not all about envy. It's also about logistics. If your friends can't afford the events and venues you frequent, how much time do you think you will be spending together? And vice versa, there may be people who'd be willing to pay to invite you into their world, but how long will you accept charity before it gets uncomfortable?

PP here. Of course I acknowledge that other people have more money, better metabolism, whatever. But I don't CARE. OP said she was jealous. I'm not jealous of those people because I'm happy with what I have. I can compare myself to all of my friends, and some of them are skinnier than me, or richer than me, or have a bigger house than me, etc. But I'm not jealous of what they have.

And I don't understand the world in which you live, because I make four times what my best friend and her husband make combined (I'm ignoring my husband's income, which is higher than mine), so we do live in different worlds (i.e. I have a maid, she cleans her own house, we go on nice vacations, she goes to a relative's house, etc.) but it has not affected our friendship. We've been best friends for over 20 years and spend a ton of time together. I feel sorry for people like you who let money get in the way of friendships.

Of course, you don’t understand, you are the one making so much more than your friend.

Being happy with your situation isn’t enough, OP has to avoid situations where she feels like is in comparison with her sister. The FB effect is real.

[Anonymous]

Exercise more and eat less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older sister and sometimes I feel bad for my younger sister. Our parents had her do what I did for the sake of simplicity. If I took piano lessons, then she took piano lessons. If I took ballet, she took ballet. She had a lot of my hand-me-downs. I got to decide things and she just accepted what was given to her.
Maybe the difference is that my younger sister is not at all competitive. She an average, but so am I. We get along pretty well.

OP here. I wouldn’t feel so threatened by her if she was average. She’s always on the loosest to be the best, brightest and prettiest. She has this perfect mask that never falters. I never see her sweat. No one does except maybe her boyfriend.

No one is perfect. You need to work on being happy with yourself, regardless of whatever she has going on. When I was younger I was jealous of my friends who had what I wanted. Now I have what I want and I'm not remotely jealous of them when they get great things. Being able to be truly happy for someone else's success is fun, so make your own life happen and your jealous will go away.

The thing is one can feel perfectly fine about themselves and still find themselves out of step with seemingly more successful people. It's one thing if the more successful person is a casual acquaintance. It's different when it's an immediate family member. They're sisters and are expected to feel a certain way about each other, yet they live in different worlds that only collide during family gatherings.

I'm the PP. I guess my feeling is, no one is more successful than me because I love my life. Sure, I have friends who make more money or have a bigger house or nicer cars or whatever. But I love MY job, house, car, etc, so I'm not jealous that theirs are "better." I guess what I'm saying is, if you're happy with your own life, then no one else is more successful in your eyes, even if they are by general standards. Maybe it's just my friends, but the ones who are truly happy are the ones who think they're the most successful, even if they're not. The ones who worry about what other people have are not happy.

PP, you can be happy with your life and still acknowledge that other people enjoy more money, happier love life, or better metabolism When it's someone this close, it's virtually impossible to pretend you live in a vacuum and avoid all comparison. They're sisters. Obviously, everyone who knows them will compare them.

As far as friends who have more money, you either speak about acquaintances, or your situations are at least comparable. It is difficult to invest in a close relationship with someone who can afford to live in another world. It's not all about envy. It's also about logistics. If your friends can't afford the events and venues you frequent, how much time do you think you will be spending together? And vice versa, there may be people who'd be willing to pay to invite you into their world, but how long will you accept charity before it gets uncomfortable?

PP here. Of course I acknowledge that other people have more money, better metabolism, whatever. But I don't CARE. OP said she was jealous. I'm not jealous of those people because I'm happy with what I have. I can compare myself to all of my friends, and some of them are skinnier than me, or richer than me, or have a bigger house than me, etc. But I'm not jealous of what they have.

And I don't understand the world in which you live, because I make four times what my best friend and her husband make combined (I'm ignoring my husband's income, which is higher than mine), so we do live in different worlds (i.e. I have a maid, she cleans her own house, we go on nice vacations, she goes to a relative's house, etc.) but it has not affected our friendship. We've been best friends for over 20 years and spend a ton of time together. I feel sorry for people like you who let money get in the way of friendships.

Of course, you don’t understand, you are the one making so much more than your friend.

Being happy with your situation isn’t enough, OP has to avoid situations where she feels like is in comparison with her sister. The FB effect is real.

PP again. I have friends who make loads more than me and have bigger houses, nicer cars, better vacations, etc. So I'm in between two worlds, I'm not at the top. You seem to be the one who is unable to understand.

[Anonymous]

Focus on yourself and the things you really want. When you feel a pang of jealousy toward your sister, rather than getting angry or feeling sorry for yourself or whatever you normally do, try to step back and figure out if the thing you feel jealous about is something you actually want. If it is, go for it. If it's not, let go of the idea that it's something you "should" be doing. I think jealousy can turn into kind of a knee-jerk reaction.

Also, take a break from your sister and your parents while you are figuring things out.