Competitive with Sister

[Anonymous]

Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

[Anonymous]

I was jealous of my brother when he was born because I had been an only child, but after about five years of pushing him off porches and out of trees, we became best friends. He died when he was 30 from an aortic dissection. I'm 45, and the past 13 years without him have been the hardest years of my life. Try to make amends with your sister, because we do not know how much time we have here. My sister and my youngest brother ( my little brother was only 12 when our brother died), are my only remaining siblings, and I cherish them.

[Anonymous]

Can anyone recommend good fiction movies or books for teens in the midst of this dynamic? See it in my kids and want to help them recognize break the pattern

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

To put it kindly, your upbringing was dysfunctional because your parents failed to handle this situation between you and your sister appropriately, and from what you say, continue to do so. You need therapy to work through the issues now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend good fiction movies or books for teens in the midst of this dynamic? See it in my kids and want to help them recognize break the pattern

Get family therapy. Hoping the kids will figure this out themselves from books and movies seems overly optimistic. You should have been setting limits on their unkind behavior and as well as creating opportunities to foster their relationship all along. Depending on their ages, it may not be too late for you to step up and start now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

To put it kindly, your upbringing was dysfunctional because your parents failed to handle this situation between you and your sister appropriately, and from what you say, continue to do so. You need therapy to work through the issues now.

+1 I think your family is more dysfunctional then you admit. When my sister was an infant I colored her face with magic marker. When my parents recount this story it's in an amusing manner like, kids be crazy sometimes- you painted your sister's face, ha ha ha. Maybe I was jealous, but my mother's explanation is that I was bored and my sister's face was a fun canvas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

To put it kindly, your upbringing was dysfunctional because your parents failed to handle this situation between you and your sister appropriately, and from what you say, continue to do so. You need therapy to work through the issues now.

+1 I think your family is more dysfunctional then you admit. When my sister was an infant I colored her face with magic marker. When my parents recount this story it's in an amusing manner like, kids be crazy sometimes- you painted your sister's face, ha ha ha. Maybe I was jealous, but my mother's explanation is that I was bored and my sister's face was a fun canvas.

OP here. I agree. I think back to our childhood and I was a normal, although jealous, older sister. My family blew it out of proportion and acted like I was some sort of evil torturer. Of course she internalized this narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

I'm sorry, OP. It's not okay to mock you (even if they pretend or actually think they are doing it in jest). I'm sure your sister does think it's okay to treat you the way your parents do. It's all she's ever known. It is NOT okay. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend good fiction movies or books for teens in the midst of this dynamic? See it in my kids and want to help them recognize break the pattern

Get family therapy. Hoping the kids will figure this out themselves from books and movies seems overly optimistic. You should have been setting limits on their unkind behavior and as well as creating opportunities to foster their relationship all along. Depending on their ages, it may not be too late for you to step up and start now.

Listen to "The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting" by Brene Brown. Even though your kids are older, I think it's the parents who need to break the pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

To put it kindly, your upbringing was dysfunctional because your parents failed to handle this situation between you and your sister appropriately, and from what you say, continue to do so. You need therapy to work through the issues now.

+1 I think your family is more dysfunctional then you admit. When my sister was an infant I colored her face with magic marker. When my parents recount this story it's in an amusing manner like, kids be crazy sometimes- you painted your sister's face, ha ha ha. Maybe I was jealous, but my mother's explanation is that I was bored and my sister's face was a fun canvas.

OP here. I agree. I think back to our childhood and I was a normal, although jealous, older sister. My family blew it out of proportion and acted like I was some sort of evil torturer. Of course she internalized this narrative.

I think there are two issues here: 1) you're upbringing and how your parents encouraged animosity between you and your sister 2) your jealousy of your sister for her successes.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has a younger, more "successful" sister (she makes more money than I do, has what I always thought was the "perfect" family, is very extroverted and has a ton of friends/contacts while I tend towards introversion) I understand where the OP is coming from. My parents set us up to compete with each other early on plus we were assigned family roles (she was the good kid while I was the scapegoat). I would have hateful thoughts and then would really guilty for having them which just made things worse. You're human and it's human to feel envy-particularly when it's a same sex sibling. Don't let the other PP's make you feel like a monster because you aren't.

As we've gotten older, I realize that things haven't always been as perfect and easy for my sister as I thought. While her son and daughter are very bright and attractive kids they can be difficult plus she and her husband have had some issues. Of course, based on her social media you would think everything is perfect. For years I only saw the curated, social media version of her rather than the real person. Projecting perfection was her defense mechanism.

I'm sure your sister isn't perfect even though that's what she may be trying to project (or when you look at her that's what you project based on your own feelings). Try to remind yourself that she has flaws, too (even if you don't see them). I am going to echo the other PP's who said to focus on making changes in your own life. You can't control her or even your feelings towards her but you can work on yourself. Get some counseling and limit contact for a bit if necessary. Also, try very hard not to take you negative feelings out on her.

I'm not going to lie and say that I still don't have feelings of envy towards my sister at times (particularly when my parents make comments). It's an ongoing struggle and I think to some degree it always will be, however, working on myself (including getting some counseling), focusing on the things in my life I am thankful for and seeing my sister as real person with strengths and weakness versus being the "perfect one" has helped.

I wish you the best OP and I understand where you are coming from.

[Anonymous]

I use to be jealous of my older sister (sometimes I still am) because she is the pretty one and always turning heads and everyone always thinks she's the younger one between us. I moved away and I feel that has helped my identity and not felt like "so & so's little sister". I have a great job, wonderful kids, and good husband. She is still the prettier one and flashier and some times I am insecure around her but then I think about all the good things going on in my life and I would not trade my life for hers at all. Just work on you and don't compare yourself to her. Nobody is perfect & everyone has flaws, you just don't see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has a younger, more "successful" sister (she makes more money than I do, has what I always thought was the "perfect" family, is very extroverted and has a ton of friends/contacts while I tend towards introversion) I understand where the OP is coming from. My parents set us up to compete with each other early on plus we were assigned family roles (she was the good kid while I was the scapegoat). I would have hateful thoughts and then would really guilty for having them which just made things worse. You're human and it's human to feel envy-particularly when it's a same sex sibling. Don't let the other PP's make you feel like a monster because you aren't.

As we've gotten older, I realize that things haven't always been as perfect and easy for my sister as I thought. While her son and daughter are very bright and attractive kids they can be difficult plus she and her husband have had some issues. Of course, based on her social media you would think everything is perfect. For years I only saw the curated, social media version of her rather than the real person. Projecting perfection was her defense mechanism.

I'm sure your sister isn't perfect even though that's what she may be trying to project (or when you look at her that's what you project based on your own feelings). Try to remind yourself that she has flaws, too (even if you don't see them). I am going to echo the other PP's who said to focus on making changes in your own life. You can't control her or even your feelings towards her but you can work on yourself. Get some counseling and limit contact for a bit if necessary. Also, try very hard not to take you negative feelings out on her.

I'm not going to lie and say that I still don't have feelings of envy towards my sister at times (particularly when my parents make comments). It's an ongoing struggle and I think to some degree it always will be, however, working on myself (including getting some counseling), focusing on the things in my life I am thankful for and seeing my sister as real person with strengths and weakness versus being the "perfect one" has helped.

I wish you the best OP and I understand where you are coming from.

How did you get to see your sister as she really is? Are you close to your sister now?

[Anonymous]

OP, all I can say is it could be worse. Much worse. Like my former classmate who is an older and less successful sister. On top of it all the poor woman lost her child to a genetic disorder, went through the longest depression, and doesn't have much of her career left. Thank heavens, things have somewhat improved for her since then. Her relationship with DH is strong, they adopted an infant girl, her sister bought them an apartment in their city, and life goes on. I just want to say that maybe you find it in your heart to count your blessings and focus on what you do have. Hugs.