Competitive with Sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has a younger, more "successful" sister (she makes more money than I do, has what I always thought was the "perfect" family, is very extroverted and has a ton of friends/contacts while I tend towards introversion) I understand where the OP is coming from. My parents set us up to compete with each other early on plus we were assigned family roles (she was the good kid while I was the scapegoat). I would have hateful thoughts and then would really guilty for having them which just made things worse. You're human and it's human to feel envy-particularly when it's a same sex sibling. Don't let the other PP's make you feel like a monster because you aren't.

As we've gotten older, I realize that things haven't always been as perfect and easy for my sister as I thought. While her son and daughter are very bright and attractive kids they can be difficult plus she and her husband have had some issues. Of course, based on her social media you would think everything is perfect. For years I only saw the curated, social media version of her rather than the real person. Projecting perfection was her defense mechanism.

I'm sure your sister isn't perfect even though that's what she may be trying to project (or when you look at her that's what you project based on your own feelings). Try to remind yourself that she has flaws, too (even if you don't see them). I am going to echo the other PP's who said to focus on making changes in your own life. You can't control her or even your feelings towards her but you can work on yourself. Get some counseling and limit contact for a bit if necessary. Also, try very hard not to take you negative feelings out on her.

I'm not going to lie and say that I still don't have feelings of envy towards my sister at times (particularly when my parents make comments). It's an ongoing struggle and I think to some degree it always will be, however, working on myself (including getting some counseling), focusing on the things in my life I am thankful for and seeing my sister as real person with strengths and weakness versus being the "perfect one" has helped.

I wish you the best OP and I understand where you are coming from.

How did you get to see your sister as she really is? Are you close to your sister now?

This is the PP-I wouldn't say that my sister and I are close as we don't have a whole lot in common in terms or interests, temperament, etc. However, our relationship isn't acrimonius-I would say it's decent at this point. It used to be acrimonious and much of it had to do quite frankly with my feelings of insecurity and envy. However, I wanted my daughter to have a good relationship with her cousins and I wanted to have a good relationship with my niece and nephew-that pushed me to work on things within myself and with my sister. We spend more time together now because of the kids and because she now lives about 20 minutes away (we used to live further apart). Because I see her more often and my perception is less distorted than it once was I'm able to see that she's not perfect. Also, after I apologized for pushing her away due to my envy she opened up to me about things she struggles with. It was a one time conversation but we both were open and honest with each other. Some of what has helped is getting older-we're in our mid to late 30's now. Still, all of this is not to say that I don't have envious thoughts/feelings periodically but I try to channel them in healthier ways.