Help me with my totally messed up marriage, in which the abuser blames the abused

[Anonymous]

DH is depressed, perhaps bipolar, and has some mental health issues that are coming to a head right now.

He has always had a hard time hearing any criticism, and struggled to control his anger. But these were things he worked hard on, and they were not an issue in our decade-long relationship, or for our young children.

One year ago he started to become depressed, slowly at first and then more seriously. During this time he started to have violent outbursts. He never hit me, but he would break objects, hit walls, tear things down, yell and scream, with fists clenched. He would get in my face like he was going to fight me. When he seemed less depressed, I would try to say that the way he was treating me was unacceptable, and that I would not under any circumstances stay with him if that was his behavior. This was in addition to helping him of course through medication / therapy / couples counseling. But he hears this as my leaving him, and when he feels like I'm abandoning him he cycles out of control.

This past week he left our house and took a bunch of drugs at an old friend's house. He has been sleeping in his car. And today I heard from his friend that he thinks *I* am the violent one in the relationship. He says he's never hit me (this is true) but that I've "hit" him 2-3 times in our 10+ year relationship. He has said this to me before when I've tried to talk to him about his aggressive, violent behavior; he'll immediately respond by listing every horrible thing I've ever done in my life. He identifies one time I was crying in his arms and I pounded his chest; I actually thought it was a nice moment, and he didn't have a problem with it at the time. He identifies another time years ago I pushed him away from me with 2 flat (not fisted) hands when I was postpartum and very mad. I regret that, of course. And he identifies a series of things I've said in response to his aggression, like when he was physically threatening me and said, "What are you going to do? Hurt me?" (like this was laughable, because of course I was powerless against him) and I said "Yes, I'll hurt you." So he says I said "I'll hurt you," and claims I've been violent.

Now his friend believes that *I* am the violent one, the "abuser". I, by the way, am 110 lbs. My DH is 170 and into Muay Thai and MMA.

What do I make of this? What is going on!?!?!?!

Before this past year, we DID NOT have a tumultuous relationship. We had our issues, sure, but NOT THIS SHIT. We were happily married. People envied our relationship. We were in love. Truly.

What do I make of this? What do I do?? What the bloody hell?

[Anonymous]

BTDT. Ended up my H was molested as a child.

I started reading about what he was doing which was basically self destructing and finally confronted him and he admitted it.

They create their own narrative and are very convincing when telling their "side of the story". They have been lying and creating their own narrative since they were a young child and have fooled everybody.

My advice, run don't walk away from this.

Don't try to convince anybody that you were right and he was wrong, just get out.

Read about borderline personality disorder, it is enlightening.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I know this makes me messed up, but it gets in my head, like, what if I really am the abuser?? What if I have been the one provoking him??

I mean, maybe I am?? Do abusers know they are abusing???

[Anonymous]

Are you in individual counseling? If not, start now.

[Anonymous]

Is he in counseling? I don't think there's anything you can do until at least that piece is in the works.

Do you have children? If so, you need to leave.

Do you feel you are in danger? If so, you need to leave.

If you do leave, you should call a domestic abuse hotline because that can be a very dangerous time.

I don't think any good will come from trying to convince him that he is wrong or to see reason.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my relationship, not quite so bad and no drugs involved. I am still with him, he went on anti depressants and its helped. No good advice for you other than hugs to you. I don't know the answer. I just don't want to break up my family and leave him part time with the kids and involve the courts so I am trying to work it out. I also have gone down that rabbit hole that it is my fault and I caused this..don't be stupid like me...its not your fault and don't act like a victim..it takes away your power.

[Anonymous]

It's gaslighting.

But another way to look at it is: even (even!) if his worst story about your behavior is all true, it does not follow that his behavior is appropriate. That is, even if you are a terrible provoking shrew, he still is being abusive. This is why this type of attempt to deflect is always BS. So I would worry less about the "he said, she said" nature of the narrative, and more on solutions to this relationship. Which may well involving getting out.

[Anonymous]

OP - are you SURE he's not developed a drug habit - including steroids or other enhancers? When I was in college, we could always tell when members of the football team started using because otherwise pleasant guys would almost over-night start acting out and became aggressive, even off the field.

You may want to google signs to look for - it can be right under your nose and you wouldn't know it. If he's taking anything he says "is just a supplement" - check it out.

Whatever the cause, I'm glad you're reaching out - it's a lonely place to be and at the very least you want to be understood and validated. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you SURE he's not developed a drug habit - including steroids or other enhancers? When I was in college, we could always tell when members of the football team started using because otherwise pleasant guys would almost over-night start acting out and became aggressive, even off the field.

You may want to google signs to look for - it can be right under your nose and you wouldn't know it. If he's taking anything he says "is just a supplement" - check it out.

Whatever the cause, I'm glad you're reaching out - it's a lonely place to be and at the very least you want to be understood and validated. I get it.

I meant to add alcohol to this list. Do you know how many "functional" alcoholics there are? They are often good at their jobs - one of the best in the field - but at home it's a different story. And if he's charming in public, it's much harder on you. I know somebody who is well respected in his field, has a life-long drinking problem and is very good at hiding it. At home, if he needs a drink or has crossed the line to "one too many" it's as if a light has been switched out of no where. A drinking problem - or drug problem - is a PROBLEM whether the person is falling down, passed out or a "simply" causing a relationship to decay - there are many reckless, destructive addicts who aren't "obvious" or text book ... and they're the ones that can cause the most trouble for their loved-ones.

[Anonymous]

Start reading up on complex PTSD. The way he's always reacted to criticism etc, and how he's falling apart now makes me wonder if things happened to him as a kid, and something's triggering him now. Sometimes when our kids reach particular ages, we flashback to our traumas at those ages.

A good therapist could help untangle this.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't agree to counseling, leave.

[Anonymous]

Get yourself into counseling now, get a lawyer NOW. Protect yourself. Do not engage in he said she said. Rise above with friends. Do not over analyze this to death, worrying at it over and over again. Focus your energies on getting strong and smart. PROTECT yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'd start individual counseling and consult with a lawyer.

Abusers often try to flip it to others that they are the ones being abused. A good friend of mine went through something similar. She'd confided in a few of us that he was abusive but wasn't ready to leave; wanted to make it work for the kids, etc. I watched her daughter for a week once when she "went out of town for work" which was really her recovering at home from a black eye he gave her before he went out of town for work. The final straw was when he hit her in front of their kids (4 & 2). She kicked him out and called the police. He injured himself to make it look like she'd been abusive to him. Luckily the police could tell from his injuries that the marks were left by fingers much larger than hers.

[Anonymous]

I would take your DH to the emergency room or see if you can get him checked into a mental facility for evaluation.

[Anonymous]

OP - this EXACT thing happened to me in college. I was in a crappy abusive relationship. It was not hitting or violent, but very emotionally abusive. Refused to hang out with my friends or family. Told me i was stupid (i wasn't - i was at a top school). Broke up with me constantly, and then came back. Told me my friends were losers. But that he was so in love with me. Pretty standard emotional abuse.

Several times during our breakups, he had brief relationships with other women. One was another woman in our small group of friends. He told me i needed to get over it, and the problem was ME. That they were now together.

Soon thereafter, A friend/acquitence of mine invited us both to a small party . He would not have been invited but for me, but he really wanted to go. He announces he is bringing this new girlfriend (our mutual friend) even though it is MY friend.

In a heated argument about how absurb it was he wanted to bring her (we were always arguing/crying/talking about heated things - never physical or frightening) and i was a wreck and crying, i effectively collapsed into his arms with my fists on his chest. yes, i was frustrated - it wasn't a love tap. But he was 6 feet and i was 5'4 and i did not intend to any way hurt or bring pain. You can all imagine exactly what that looked like. It was a frustrated arms collapsing into his chest.

The next day he announced i had "assaulted" him and he was so traumatized by it. He wanted to report me to the police. He was considering therapy. He acknowledged that it didn't remotely hurt him, but that because i was smaller, the mere act itself was me trying to shift the power balance -- or some other absurd argument. He however said he would not report me if i simply agreed to continue to be friends with him and get over the other friend being his girlfriend. He also said he wanted us to keep having sex. Which we did - against my wants -- but because i was so scared of his accusations of assault.

It has been TWENTY years and this story still brings me to tears. What a terrible, terrible person. I'm sorry OP, i don't have any advice other than to get out.