Reply to Help me with my totally messed up marriage, in which the abuser blames the abused

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[quote=Anonymous]OP - this EXACT thing happened to me in college. I was in a crappy abusive relationship. It was not hitting or violent, but very emotionally abusive. Refused to hang out with my friends or family.  Told me i was stupid (i wasn't - i was at a top school).  Broke up with me constantly, and then came back.  Told me my friends were losers.  But that he was so in love with me.  Pretty standard emotional abuse.

Several times during our breakups, he had brief relationships with other women.  One was another woman in our small group of friends.  He told me i needed to get over it, and the problem was ME. That they were now together.

Soon thereafter, A friend/acquitence of mine invited us both to a small party . He would not have been invited but for me, but he really wanted to go.  He announces he is bringing this new girlfriend (our mutual friend) even though it is MY friend.

In a heated argument about how absurb it was he wanted to bring her (we were always arguing/crying/talking about heated things - never physical or frightening) and i was a wreck and crying, i effectively collapsed into his arms with my fists on his chest. yes, i was frustrated - it wasn't a love tap. But he was 6 feet and i was 5'4 and i did not intend to any way hurt or bring pain. You can all imagine exactly what that looked like.  It was a frustrated arms collapsing into his chest.

The next day he announced i had "assaulted" him and he was so traumatized by it.  He wanted to report me to the police. He was considering therapy.  He acknowledged that it didn't remotely hurt him, but that because i was smaller, the mere act itself was me trying to shift the power balance  -- or some other absurd argument.  He however said he would not report me if i simply agreed to continue to be friends with him and get over the other friend being his girlfriend. He also said he wanted us to keep having sex. Which we did - against my wants -- but because i was so scared of his accusations of assault.

It has been TWENTY years and this story still brings me to tears.  What a terrible, terrible person.  I'm sorry OP, i don't have any advice other than  to get out.  [/quote]

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