Calling all Introverts - Help me connect with my DH and DS (introverts)

[Anonymous]

I am an extrovert by nature. For example, I get energized by people and I like talking my problems out.

My DH is an introvert and we connected over the opposites attract theory. While we have, for the most part, a normal marriage, there are some very real differences. For example, when we get into an argument, I like to get everything out there and talk things out. DH does not. Initially, I thought it was because he could not articulate his feelings. But it turns out introverts contemplate things internally before sharing them. He does not like being put on the spot to explain his side of the argument when he has not had a chance to turn the issue over in his head (he calls it processing time). This takes time and is something that I've learned to accept.

I see my DS growing up and notice many of the same traits. When conflict arises, my DS withdraws and doesn't want to talk about it. Initially, I thought it was because he was a boy and shy. But as I learn more about the differences between extroverts and introverts, I can see him being like my DH, an introvert.

I realize that I need to get better at connecting with my DH and DS and I don't have the slightest clue on how to do that. They aren't into touchy feely expressions of love so I wanted to poll some introverts to understand your frame of mind better to see if you have any suggestions for me.

If you are an introvert, I have some questions:

1) When did you realize that you were an introvert? How does being an introvert affect your relationships?
2) For those introverts that are married to extroverts, how have you found a good way to work through arguments? Do you ask for time to process before engaging in conversation? Do your spouses tire you out with conversation?
3) If you were a son or daughter of extroverted parents, what is the best way your parents connected with you? When did you feel understood the most? When did you feel loved the most?

Thank you in advance for any suggestions. I am just now understanding that there are very large differences between extroverts and introverts and I'm trying to learn how to bridge those gaps and build a better relationship with my DH and DS.

[Anonymous]

1) When did you realize that you were an introvert? How does being an introvert affect your relationships? I've always known. Even as a child I preferred reading alone to group activities. If I was with a group of cousins, I had an hour at most of playtime in me before I needed to 're-charge'. I've learned how to speak up for myself and the space I need - with friends and family. Actually adulthood has been better for that. I can tell friends, 'hey, I'm busy tonight but how about wine night on Friday' and its cool. We're not forced into social situations we don't want to be in.

2) For those introverts that are married to extroverts, how have you found a good way to work through arguments? Do you ask for time to process before engaging in conversation? Do your spouses tire you out with conversation? N/A

3) If you were a son or daughter of extroverted parents, what is the best way your parents connected with you? When did you feel understood the most? When did you feel loved the most? Ughh, it was the worst. BOTH of my parents are extroverts. They couldn't understand my desire to stay at home in our 'nuclear' family instead of constantly traveling to see extended relatives or friends. I hated their parties and people invading my space - i.e. anywhere in my house. Eventually my parents learned to leave me to my own devices although it was always a push and pull because they constantly wanted me 'present'. If they didn't see me, as an extrovert it was almost like they felt I didn't care about them. Like our bonding had to be re-cemented with every interaction. As an introvert that sense of bonding and family was always there - too me I couldn't get why they needed it demonstrated so much.

I only felt I was understood when I finally decided enough was enough and had a three-hour extended conversation with them in my 20s. I told them flat out that I loved them and cared for them and that 'yada yada yada' but as a closed-off person I didn't need to demonstrate it every day and every hour. I think its tougher for an extrovert actually because it feels like the extroverts in my life need me more than I need them to be honest. If I turn down an invitation I immediately get the feeling that they personally feel rejected - whether its a family member or a friend. Anyway, that's that.

[Anonymous]

Op - a couple of articles on introverts

TED, The Power of Introverts
https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts/transcript

Quiet, Please: Unleashing 'The Power Of Introverts'
http://www.npr.org/2012/01/30/145930229/quiet-please-unleashing-the-power-of-introverts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - a couple of articles on introverts

TED, The Power of Introverts
https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts/transcript

Quiet, Please: Unleashing 'The Power Of Introverts'
http://www.npr.org/2012/01/30/145930229/quiet-please-unleashing-the-power-of-introverts

Read the Book "Quiet" referenced above. I am an introvert and finally felt like I understood myself when I read this book.

[Anonymous]

TED is very good too.

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert and my mother is an extrovert although no one understood or had language for either as I was growing up. She just thought I was anti social because I was satisfied with three close friends and one social event a week.
I LOVE to talk so it's not necessarily a symptom of introversion to not process verbally. The difference is, I have a limit and I need to recharge. If I've had extended (45 mins or more) conversations with two friends on the phone/in person in one day, my reserves are down and I need to recharge before my kids come home and start with their activity.
Another thing is, I'm easily bored by inane conversation and large parties where I don't know anyone. This isn't scary or socal anxiety. I just do not like chit chat and I don't like large social gatherings. I can stay up for hours catching up with an old friend or two, playing cards, going for walks, etc.
the most important thing for me to learn was to pay attention to my need to recharge and to give myself permission to do it. My DH doesn't give me grief, he encourages it and he has other people he can spend time with/verbally process if I'm exhausted one day after social interactions and our children's needs. He understands when I'm tapped out after 2 hours at a party and I leave, he is welcome to stay.
If he wants or needs to talk to me and I'm needing an introvert nap, he tells me he needs to talk and I muddle through it. If he just wants to tell me about his new Moleskine planner, I say, let me take a bath first and then we can look at your new planner.

[Anonymous]

1) When did you realize that you were an introvert? How does being an introvert affect your relationships? A friend told me I'm one when I was in my late 20's. It explained SO much. It affects my relationships in that I bow out of big-group things. I'd rather get together with six different friends at six different times than go out with a group of six.

2) For those introverts that are married to extroverts, how have you found a good way to work through arguments? Do you ask for time to process before engaging in conversation? Do your spouses tire you out with conversation? I took debate in middle school and realized I can be pretty quick on my feet. I may come back later "And ANOTHER thing ....!" but if I notice there's a lot to think about I'll just say "This is a lot to think about and I love you too much to respond in the heat of the moment and say something I'd regret. I'm going to [whatever as long as its alone] and let's talk about this tonight/tomorrow."

3) If you were a son or daughter of extroverted parents, what is the best way your parents connected with you? When did you feel understood the most? When did you feel loved the most? I really liked going for walks with my mom after school. We did that for years. We also would watch thought-provoking movies (don't overthink that - we psycho-analyzed all kinds of crap) and discuss big issues in the commercials.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for the book "Quiet" - I think it's a great book for both introverts and extroverts. It helps introverts better understand themselves and it helps extroverts on how to positively and productively interact with introverts. My DH is definitely an introvert and this was a great book for both of us to read.

[Anonymous]

Read about the "Meyers Briggs" personality types. Take the Jung test. This will help you figure out who you are and who they are and better how to relate. It really helps me, I did it for work.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. A BIG thank you [u]to all who responded. I'm going to buy the book Quiet from Amazon and read it!

[Anonymous]

Introvert here - do not force large groups and gatherings (especially frequently) on your introvert family. We hate being exposed to large groups of people randomly. We like to prepare in advance.

[Anonymous]

1. I have known I was an introvert since I was very young, certainly in grade school, though we didn't use the language for it the same way. I knew I needed time to "recharge." My whole nuclear family was introverts, though, so we understood one another.

2. My husband was an introvert, but closer to "extrovert" on the scale than I was. It helped tremendously to have him ask whether this was a good time to talk (e.g., if a financial thing came up and I might still be coming back down from the stress of work), AND to have me come up with a defined time, if not -- such as, "Not right now, but let's tackle it right after supper."

3. n/a

I am friendly and outgoing. I'm not shy, but I need down time. To him, this sometimes looked like I was "faking it" by pretending to like people. I wasn't. I just needed a break.

This translated into him wondering why other people were important enough to "fake it" with, but he was not -- of, if he was, why did I not love him enough not to have to "fake it." But really it was that "faking it" missed the mark entirely.

It helped tremendously for me to pay attention to my own needs and get really good at estimating how low my tank was, and when I would be refilled after enough alone time.

It also helped when I explained that for an introvert, alone time is like sleeping -- you need it eventually, and you can't function by putting it off indefinitely. You can delay it for awhile if you need to, but there will be a deficit you have to make up, and you may become more foggy or irritable if you have put it off for a long time, even if you try hard not to be.

We don't blame our partners for needing to sleep, and we don't take it as commentary on how much they love or connect with us. But in addition, introverts NEED alone time and extroverts NEED together time. That's not all they need, but that's the weight of it -- and just as introverts don't love less for needing to recharge, extroverts aren't overly clingy by needing to be physically and verbally close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an introvert and my mother is an extrovert although no one understood or had language for either as I was growing up. She just thought I was anti social because I was satisfied with three close friends and one social event a week.
I LOVE to talk so it's not necessarily a symptom of introversion to not process verbally. The difference is, I have a limit and I need to recharge. If I've had extended (45 mins or more) conversations with two friends on the phone/in person in one day, my reserves are down and I need to recharge before my kids come home and start with their activity.
Another thing is, I'm easily bored by inane conversation and large parties where I don't know anyone. This isn't scary or socal anxiety. I just do not like chit chat and I don't like large social gatherings. I can stay up for hours catching up with an old friend or two, playing cards, going for walks, etc.
the most important thing for me to learn was to pay attention to my need to recharge and to give myself permission to do it. My DH doesn't give me grief, he encourages it and he has other people he can spend time with/verbally process if I'm exhausted one day after social interactions and our children's needs. He understands when I'm tapped out after 2 hours at a party and I leave, he is welcome to stay.
If he wants or needs to talk to me and I'm needing an introvert nap, he tells me he needs to talk and I muddle through it. If he just wants to tell me about his new Moleskine planner, I say, let me take a bath first and then we can look at your new planner.

I am very similar to this. Curling up with a good book was a perfect Saturday. Or a lone hike in the woods. My mom tried and tried to get me to be an extrovert. She thought more social exposure was good. I hated my childhood and constantly being pushed into groups of people to chit chat. I enjoy small groupings of people I know well. Large groups and strangers exhaust me.
I really hate being forced to talk about things when I’m not ready.
Best advice? Stop trying. The more you force it the more they will either resist or resent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introvert here - do not force large groups and gatherings (especially frequently) on your introvert family. We hate being exposed to large groups of people randomly. We like to prepare in advance.

Gatherings are so painful and so stressful. There's no "it's no big deal" gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Give them space. Extroverts can be too much sometimes.