Calling all Introverts - Help me connect with my DH and DS (introverts)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Introvert here - do not force large groups and gatherings (especially frequently) on your introvert family. We hate being exposed to large groups of people randomly. We like to prepare in advance.

Gatherings are so painful and so stressful. There's no "it's no big deal" gatherings.

I agree. I’m an introvert and if I don’t have advance notice of some social event or gathering I get very annoyed and irritable.

I also really hate doing things on Friday nights. This is because all day long at my job, I have people coming and going from my desk, telling me things, giving me things, asking me to do things. I sometimes deal with the public. All day long, it’s people, people, people. The last thing I want to do is go to happy hour at a crowded bar. Now, I’m perfectly fine making plans with my spouse on a Saturday, when I can have “me time” earlier in the day, like going for a run or just cleaning and cooking with some jazz music on. I NEED my me time and I need people to leave me alone when I say I don’t want to go out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them space. Extroverts can be too much sometimes.

This. OP you don't "need to connect" with your family members. You are connected to them already. Back away.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

These responses are very eye opening for me - THANK YOU ALL. I hear you loud and clear about needing time to re-charge and giving my DH and DS space. Whoever posted the TED transcript - I found that to be helpful as well!

A couple more questions:

1) Is there anything else besides "me time" that can recharge you?
2) When do you feel like you are most understood by your spouse or your parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These responses are very eye opening for me - THANK YOU ALL. I hear you loud and clear about needing time to re-charge and giving my DH and DS space. Whoever posted the TED transcript - I found that to be helpful as well!

A couple more questions:

1) Is there anything else besides "me time" that can recharge you?
2) When do you feel like you are most understood by your spouse or your parent?

1) not really. i need some quiet time to recharge myself.
2) when she gives me time and space bc she knows that's what i need without me asking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These responses are very eye opening for me - THANK YOU ALL. I hear you loud and clear about needing time to re-charge and giving my DH and DS space. Whoever posted the TED transcript - I found that to be helpful as well!

A couple more questions:

1) Is there anything else besides "me time" that can recharge you?
2) When do you feel like you are most understood by your spouse or your parent?

1) just generally having unstructured time. I won’t always say no to doing things without a prior plan, but when I’m most likely to agree is when I’m not feeling any kind of pressure. So things where I can dress casually, don’t involve big crowds or a group, and I won’t feel trapped into staying long. I do like shopping, walking our dogs, going out to eat with only us, to a casual place like pizza or burgers.

2) if someone invites us to something he knows I absolutely will hate (loud concerts unless they’re my favorite groups, a particular restaurant/bar his friends like but attracts an annoying younger crowd and allows smoking, parties where he knows I don’t really know many people and it’s not family, things like that), he just declines and doesn’t ask me to go. Now, I fully acknowledge that this is ME and my own problem, but I feel like sometimes when he asks I feel pressured to say yes because I get insecure about the fact that I’m just a homebody and introvert. I feel most understood if he tells me, “We got invited to Larlo’s sister’s boyfriend’s frat brother’s cookout where they’re having a live band, but I’d rather just get some steaks and grill at home and build a fire instead!” I’m like, YOU GET ME.

[Anonymous]

Learn to talk less and do things on your own. You'll get along swell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These responses are very eye opening for me - THANK YOU ALL. I hear you loud and clear about needing time to re-charge and giving my DH and DS space. Whoever posted the TED transcript - I found that to be helpful as well!

A couple more questions:

1) Is there anything else besides "me time" that can recharge you?
2) When do you feel like you are most understood by your spouse or your parent?

1) just generally having unstructured time. I won’t always say no to doing things without a prior plan, but when I’m most likely to agree is when I’m not feeling any kind of pressure. So things where I can dress casually, don’t involve big crowds or a group, and I won’t feel trapped into staying long. I do like shopping, walking our dogs, going out to eat with only us, to a casual place like pizza or burgers.

2) if someone invites us to something he knows I absolutely will hate (loud concerts unless they’re my favorite groups, a particular restaurant/bar his friends like but attracts an annoying younger crowd and allows smoking, parties where he knows I don’t really know many people and it’s not family, things like that), he just declines and doesn’t ask me to go. Now, I fully acknowledge that this is ME and my own problem, but I feel like sometimes when he asks I feel pressured to say yes because I get insecure about the fact that I’m just a homebody and introvert. I feel most understood if he tells me, “We got invited to Larlo’s sister’s boyfriend’s frat brother’s cookout where they’re having a live band, but I’d rather just get some steaks and grill at home and build a fire instead!” I’m like, YOU GET ME.

Re: 2), are you okay if he goes to some of those things you'll hate? I am like your guy, and my husband is like you. I just can't stay home and watch TV most Fridays and Saturdays, I will go stir crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These responses are very eye opening for me - THANK YOU ALL. I hear you loud and clear about needing time to re-charge and giving my DH and DS space. Whoever posted the TED transcript - I found that to be helpful as well!

A couple more questions:

1) Is there anything else besides "me time" that can recharge you?
2) When do you feel like you are most understood by your spouse or your parent?

1) just generally having unstructured time. I won’t always say no to doing things without a prior plan, but when I’m most likely to agree is when I’m not feeling any kind of pressure. So things where I can dress casually, don’t involve big crowds or a group, and I won’t feel trapped into staying long. I do like shopping, walking our dogs, going out to eat with only us, to a casual place like pizza or burgers.

2) if someone invites us to something he knows I absolutely will hate (loud concerts unless they’re my favorite groups, a particular restaurant/bar his friends like but attracts an annoying younger crowd and allows smoking, parties where he knows I don’t really know many people and it’s not family, things like that), he just declines and doesn’t ask me to go. Now, I fully acknowledge that this is ME and my own problem, but I feel like sometimes when he asks I feel pressured to say yes because I get insecure about the fact that I’m just a homebody and introvert. I feel most understood if he tells me, “We got invited to Larlo’s sister’s boyfriend’s frat brother’s cookout where they’re having a live band, but I’d rather just get some steaks and grill at home and build a fire instead!” I’m like, YOU GET ME.

Re: 2), are you okay if he goes to some of those things you'll hate? I am like your guy, and my husband is like you. I just can't stay home and watch TV most Fridays and Saturdays, I will go stir crazy.

Oh, yeah. I’ve never asked him not to go somewhere just because I don’t want to go! I trust him and he usually comes homes at a reasonable hour anyway.

[Anonymous]

It's a total gift when my extroverted friends and family will go out and do extrovert things without me! They get to be extroverts, I get to be alone, and we all go to bed happy. No guilt, no bad feelings.

As an introvert I don't necessarily need "me time" (although I sure as heck like it) but I do need quiet time alone in thought. I can sometimes get that at the office.

[Anonymous]

+1 on the unstructured time. I don't know if this is an introvert thing, but I feel like my spouse's plans steal unstructured time from me. I don't know what I'm going to feel like doing an hour from now, let alone days from now. I love going somewhere new and wandering from thing to thing, doing whatever seems interesting next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 on the unstructured time. I don't know if this is an introvert thing, but I feel like my spouse's plans steal unstructured time from me. I don't know what I'm going to feel like doing an hour from now, let alone days from now. I love going somewhere new and wandering from thing to thing, doing whatever seems interesting next.

Thank you for explaining this. As a household with two full time working parents and two teenagers, I need structure if I am going to get to see my friends and get my exercise in. My introvert husband hates my scheduling things, but we just don't have a whole Saturday or Sunday to blow wandering around. Or, let me rephrase: he does, I don't. Our solution is for me to include him in about 30% of what I schedule and always give him advance notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

These responses are very eye opening for me - THANK YOU ALL. I hear you loud and clear about needing time to re-charge and giving my DH and DS space. Whoever posted the TED transcript - I found that to be helpful as well!

A couple more questions:

1) Is there anything else besides "me time" that can recharge you?
2) When do you feel like you are most understood by your spouse or your parent?

1) just generally having unstructured time. I won’t always say no to doing things without a prior plan, but when I’m most likely to agree is when I’m not feeling any kind of pressure. So things where I can dress casually, don’t involve big crowds or a group, and I won’t feel trapped into staying long. I do like shopping, walking our dogs, going out to eat with only us, to a casual place like pizza or burgers.

2) if someone invites us to something he knows I absolutely will hate (loud concerts unless they’re my favorite groups, a particular restaurant/bar his friends like but attracts an annoying younger crowd and allows smoking, parties where he knows I don’t really know many people and it’s not family, things like that), he just declines and doesn’t ask me to go. Now, I fully acknowledge that this is ME and my own problem, but I feel like sometimes when he asks I feel pressured to say yes because I get insecure about the fact that I’m just a homebody and introvert. I feel most understood if he tells me, “We got invited to Larlo’s sister’s boyfriend’s frat brother’s cookout where they’re having a live band, but I’d rather just get some steaks and grill at home and build a fire instead!” I’m like, YOU GET ME.

Re: 2), are you okay if he goes to some of those things you'll hate? I am like your guy, and my husband is like you. I just can't stay home and watch TV most Fridays and Saturdays, I will go stir crazy.

Oh, yeah. I’ve never asked him not to go somewhere just because I don’t want to go! I trust him and he usually comes homes at a reasonable hour anyway.

Thanks. I was hoping he wasn't secretly resenting me for wanting to go out a few times a week.

[Anonymous]

I like the response to do the Myer's Briggs test. I did it recently and I found out that I was equal 50% introvert 50% extrovert, which explained a lot to me about my own behaviors. I would also recommend doing the 5 Love Languages test for both your DH and DS. That will help you a lot to determine what language they speak and how you can best show them love by how they receive it. This link will take you to a page on love languages. [http://bit.ly/2d0EzMW] ((Hugs))

[Anonymous]

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/302696/

This is an old article, but it's good

[Anonymous]

Great article about the different kinds of introversion.
http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/06/apparently-there-are-four-kinds-of-introversion.html

I'm an outgoing introvert. I don't mind being around people, even parties. But I do need to recharge by being alone. I knew DH was the guy for me because he's the only person I can be "off" with. I can recharge with him around. But my very extroverted Mom. I always have to be "on". Even if we aren't talking (like reading a book in the same room) , it's like I can feel these tentacles trying to probe me. Her desire to "connect" is exhausting.

I would highly recommend reading about Love Languages. One of DH's and mine are physical touch. So we will silently hold hands or touch feet while watching tv. That's enough for us to stay connected.