Calling all Introverts - Help me connect with my DH and DS (introverts)

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert, but I also like to talk out my problems while DH doesn't. Most men are fixers. They'd rather do than talk.

I think your issue is more of a mars/Venus thing than an introvert/extrovert thing.

[Anonymous]

I second reading about love languages. I found out that me and DH are totally opposite. And we'd been giving the other what we want, rather than what they need.

[Anonymous]

Regarding conflicts OP: I don't know that your husband's lack of desire to talk about his feelings on the spot is an introverted trait, per se. It sounds like he is a bit conflict avoidant.

In any case for conflicts, I would suggest trying to write out your feelings and sharing what you wrote with him, so he can process what you're saying and think about how we wants to respond without the pressure of the moment.

I do this sometimes with my very extroverted DH, although it's mostly because when he is angry he interrupts me and I don't get a chance to speak!

[Anonymous]

I'm an extrovert married to an introvert, and our kid is an introvert as well. Two big things for me: 1. If I want to do something social I know they will hate, but I still want to do it, I grab a friend and go for it. 2. I have also learned to enjoy the quiet and stillness of a house that's not full of people talking and an afternoon with no scheduled activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an extrovert by nature. For example, I get energized by people and I like talking my problems out.

My DH is an introvert and we connected over the opposites attract theory. While we have, for the most part, a normal marriage, there are some very real differences. For example, when we get into an argument, I like to get everything out there and talk things out. DH does not. Initially, I thought it was because he could not articulate his feelings. But it turns out introverts contemplate things internally before sharing them. He does not like being put on the spot to explain his side of the argument when he has not had a chance to turn the issue over in his head (he calls it processing time). This takes time and is something that I've learned to accept.

I see my DS growing up and notice many of the same traits. When conflict arises, my DS withdraws and doesn't want to talk about it. Initially, I thought it was because he was a boy and shy. But as I learn more about the differences between extroverts and introverts, I can see him being like my DH, an introvert.

I realize that I need to get better at connecting with my DH and DS and I don't have the slightest clue on how to do that. They aren't into touchy feely expressions of love so I wanted to poll some introverts to understand your frame of mind better to see if you have any suggestions for me.

If you are an introvert, I have some questions:

1) When did you realize that you were an introvert? How does being an introvert affect your relationships?
2) For those introverts that are married to extroverts, how have you found a good way to work through arguments? Do you ask for time to process before engaging in conversation? Do your spouses tire you out with conversation?
3) If you were a son or daughter of extroverted parents, what is the best way your parents connected with you? When did you feel understood the most? When did you feel loved the most?

Thank you in advance for any suggestions. I am just now understanding that there are very large differences between extroverts and introverts and I'm trying to learn how to bridge those gaps and build a better relationship with my DH and DS.

I didn’t realize I was an introvert until college intro to psych. My parents are both narcissistic and are extroverts. I thought I was the problem until I was 20. I dislike drama and conflict. I felt most loved when we talked about things like movies, tv, books, music, or food because they usually didn’t result in criticizing me, but I was most happy when my parents just ignored me.

My second DH is an extrovert. We don’t argue. Like ever. We do have the occasional difference of opinion, but no anger is attached. Nor do either of us seem to need to win. When we disagree over household matters, one of us is pretty likely to offer to let the other person handle things how they prefer. I can’t think of anything either of us has done that would make the other need time to process emotions. Sometimes, I need a buffer period between home and work so I run errands before dinner. This is my way of segregating work stress from the non-work areas of my life. I might vent about work if I don’t have this time. I try not to vent to DH who is the spousal equivalent of the bulldozer parenting model. If we don’t get sucked into a vent/fix cycle, then I have the emotional energy to make it through conversation until bedtime.

One child is an introvert, the other is an extrovert. I admit that I more enjoy the introvert’s company (less draining) although the extrovert is very charismatic. I can spend all day enjoyable with the introvert. An hour with the extrovert leaves my head spinning. I also feel pressure to plan activities for the extrovert rather than just be spontaneous to avoid awkward pauses. With the introvert, the pauses aren’t awkward.

[Anonymous]

Introverted Male married to Introverted Female and raised by Introverts

1. Introverts don't fit into a neat little box (neither do extroverts) there are many other factors like communication styles and other aspects of personality S vs N T vs F and P vs J. If you haven't yet might be a good idea to do the full Myers Briggs to help with things as well.

1) When did you realize that you were an introvert? How does being an introvert affect your relationships? Middle schoolish, being social felt superficial and time consuming, hated going to happy hours/bars to try and meet people/date, online dating worked really well for me without it I probably wouldn't have gotten dating experience and eventually gotten married. I like going deeper pretty quickly which didn't work well when first meeting people but worked better for online dating/where both people wanted to see if things would work out/get serious pretty quickly.
2) For those introverts that are married to extroverts, how have you found a good way to work through arguments? Do you ask for time to process before engaging in conversation? Do your spouses tire you out with conversation? As others have said this is more of a communication/overall personality thing, I don't like being caught by surprise (which might be stronger for introverts but I don' think anybody likes this) Females tend to connect multiple topics together and males tend to keep things separate. Another male/female thing I know to ask if this is more of a venting session or a problem solving session. Yes I do find that I tire out in conversation but again that is usually because as a male I like to focus on one issue at a time and my spouse/females tend to group multiple things together at once
3) If you were a son or daughter of extroverted parents, what is the best way your parents connected with you? When did you feel understood the most? When did you feel loved the most? N/A but I think all kids just want to be heard. I would go days without really speaking to my parents but I always knew they would be there when I wanted to talk about something. Its ok to ask a question or two a day but don't always expect a conversation to come out of it

1) Is there anything else besides "me time" that can recharge you? It's not just me-time it can be one on one or small group people, introverts generally don't like situations where there are multiple conversations at once in large groups. I do small groups with my church and for me around 10 people is the max. Anymore than that and it begins to get overwhelming, at the same time I can have a good time at a happy hour by just foucisng on one person or a small group for a while but most people go to happy hours to meet a bunch of people not just focus on a handful for larger periods of time.
2) When do you feel like you are most understood by your spouse or your parent? When I can get quality time with them (thats a love language thing) but from the introvert perspective its when I can go deep with someone and have a meaningful conversation

[Anonymous]

Just a thought - I always believed I was an introvert and I was called that as well. When I was a young adult, I was finally diagnosed with social anxiety. Once I received meds and behavior therapy counseling, things changed significantly.

Also, introverts should be able to deal with conflict because conflict of part of life. Always avoiding it is not healthy and is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Introvert here - do not force large groups and gatherings (especially frequently) on your introvert family. We hate being exposed to large groups of people randomly. We like to prepare in advance.

Gatherings are so painful and so stressful. There's no "it's no big deal" gatherings.

I agree. I’m an introvert and if I don’t have advance notice of some social event or gathering I get very annoyed and irritable.

I also really hate doing things on Friday nights. This is because all day long at my job, I have people coming and going from my desk, telling me things, giving me things, asking me to do things. I sometimes deal with the public. All day long, it’s people, people, people. The last thing I want to do is go to happy hour at a crowded bar. Now, I’m perfectly fine making plans with my spouse on a Saturday, when I can have “me time” earlier in the day, like going for a run or just cleaning and cooking with some jazz music on. I NEED my me time and I need people to leave me alone when I say I don’t want to go out!

If I had fully realized this about my introvert DH, I wouldn't have married him. Nothing wrong with introverts, but it really clashes with how I like to spend my free time. And makes my time with just him seem very boring in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the response to do the Myer's Briggs test. I did it recently and I found out that I was equal 50% introvert 50% extrovert, which explained a lot to me about my own behaviors. I would also recommend doing the 5 Love Languages test for both your DH and DS. That will help you a lot to determine what language they speak and how you can best show them love by how they receive it. This link will take you to a page on love languages. [http://bit.ly/2d0EzMW] ((Hugs))

This is me, too - right on the line of introvert and extravert. I need a LOT of alone time, but I also need a certain amount of time with other people.

My mother is extremely extraverted. Growing up, the hard part about that was that our house was never quiet. I'd come down for breakfast in the morning and she'd be ready to just jump in with a lot of talking. The house wasn't really set up for me to have any space to myself - the door on my bedroom doesn't even shut properly. I just remember feeling as if at any second I was going to have someone barging in on me. There was no quiet place to study, even; I had terrible terrible grades.

I love my mom very much and it's probably as unrealistic for me to think she could have controlled her need to talk all the time, as it is for her to think that I could have controlled my need for some quiet and space. I guess I would try, in your shoes, to have an honest conversation with your husband and son - let them know that you recognize their needs are different from yours, and ask them to let you know (kindly) what they need. Be sure to let them know what you need, too - you're important in this situation as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding conflicts OP: I don't know that your husband's lack of desire to talk about his feelings on the spot is an introverted trait, per se. It sounds like he is a bit conflict avoidant.

In any case for conflicts, I would suggest trying to write out your feelings and sharing what you wrote with him, so he can process what you're saying and think about how we wants to respond without the pressure of the moment.

I do this sometimes with my very extroverted DH, although it's mostly because when he is angry he interrupts me and I don't get a chance to speak!

+1 to this - my husband is very introverted (not shy, just doesn't care to spend a lot of time around people and loathes crowds). He wants to talk everything out the second it comes up and keep going till it's resolved. I think if we reach an impasse or the point where we are both very heated up, it's better to walk away and come back later when we've calmed down.

[Anonymous]

I am also an introvert. When I have 2 or more social obligations a week I get antsy and stressed.
It is difficult for me to connect with many people because I need more than pleasant chit chat. Reveal your true self, especially your feelings and thoughts and I love to dive in. Bonus points if I can give you helpful advice But, I feel most people I interact with don't want this.

Interesting observation from PP about dating. I just recently realized that I don't enjoy going to bars, drinking etc. to meet men. So maybe OLD is better for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding conflicts OP: I don't know that your husband's lack of desire to talk about his feelings on the spot is an introverted trait, per se. It sounds like he is a bit conflict avoidant.

In any case for conflicts, I would suggest trying to write out your feelings and sharing what you wrote with him, so he can process what you're saying and think about how we wants to respond without the pressure of the moment.

I do this sometimes with my very extroverted DH, although it's mostly because when he is angry he interrupts me and I don't get a chance to speak!

+1 to this - my husband is very introverted (not shy, just doesn't care to spend a lot of time around people and loathes crowds). He wants to talk everything out the second it comes up and keep going till it's resolved. I think if we reach an impasse or the point where we are both very heated up, it's better to walk away and come back later when we've calmed down.

Anyone who does that is probably NOT an introvert. But I guess your know your DH better than I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding conflicts OP: I don't know that your husband's lack of desire to talk about his feelings on the spot is an introverted trait, per se. It sounds like he is a bit conflict avoidant.

In any case for conflicts, I would suggest trying to write out your feelings and sharing what you wrote with him, so he can process what you're saying and think about how we wants to respond without the pressure of the moment.

I do this sometimes with my very extroverted DH, although it's mostly because when he is angry he interrupts me and I don't get a chance to speak!

+1 to this - my husband is very introverted (not shy, just doesn't care to spend a lot of time around people and loathes crowds). He wants to talk everything out the second it comes up and keep going till it's resolved. I think if we reach an impasse or the point where we are both very heated up, it's better to walk away and come back later when we've calmed down.

Anyone who does that is probably NOT an introvert. But I guess your know your DH better than I.

In fact I do know my husband better than you! And he is deeply an introvert - he just likes to spend time with me. And likes to talk to me.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to the PPs who posted links to articles and TED talk. Personally, I did not get much out of the TED talk but the article in the Atlantic really spoke to me. Shows that being introverted is on a spectrum.