S/O How did you find out about a parent's affair and what has it done to you?

[Anonymous]

All the talk of affairs and how damaging they are to kids, what did a parent's affair do to you?

[Anonymous]

It made me realize that my mom had been lying to me and my dad fir years. I could never look at her in the same way, knowing she is capable of long-term deception.

It caused me to question her judgment and ability to make good choices.

It cost us our membership in our church and all my friends and activities there.

It caused me to lose a good friend-- her AP's daughter.

Our relationship has never truly recovered, as she is still dating him.

[Anonymous]

I found out when I saw my dad with her at a restaurant when I was 16. Eventually I told my mom but she already knew amd told me they were working towards a divorce.

It was hard to realize that my dad is a liar. I don't believe in the idea that marriages and affairs are only between the people having them. Lying is lying and I don't care who you do it to directly, I think less of you for it.

Also, my dad had been stealing from his work and got fired for it, so tjat was hard for us. He was stealing to pay for the affair so my mom would not find out.

[Anonymous]

I will never see the cheater(s) in the same positive life I once did. They will always be tarnished. I still love them, but I admit they are diminished in my eyes.

[Anonymous]

I was 7 and didn't know what had happened or why my dad had disappeared. I literally went to school with a mother and father at home and came home to nobody but the housekeeper and nanny. Thus began a revolving door of strange men living with/visiting us. Depending on how much the man liked kids, she sometimes spent more time with me.

[Anonymous]

We went on vacation with my mom’s AP. She pretended it was a coincidence that he was at the same resort. I didn’t realize until maybe 15 years later that it wasn’t a coincidence.

I don’t think I am overly damaged because of it, but I am also not one to play the victim.

[Anonymous]

I found out because my Dad left us and married his affair partner.

It has made me feel very isolated. At root, I don't feel like I can truly depend on anyone. I'm also insecure. When I feel a relationship ebbing -- even if it's part of a normal ebb & flow -- I withdraw pretty quickly. I tend to demand, in various ways, proof that people give a shit about me.

Because, if your own f*cking father can leave you for a piece of ass, then anyone in the world can and probably will abandon you for superficial reasons.

[Anonymous]

I found out because in their house together, they had a picture of themselves with my mom's dog, and that dog died while my parents were still married. It is very very hard to cover up a lie perfectly forever. I handled it ok because I was out of the house already, but I am still repulsed by their deceitfulness amd will never accept him as a family member. My younger sister was 16 and really flipped out, made their household very unpleasant for several years. They used to get along okay, but when we found out that we didn't know the true story, we both felt we had been manipulated into accepting her boyfriend and would not have done so had we known the truth.

[Anonymous]

My mom told me as an adult. No lasting effects except that I still love both of them and appreciate that they are human but they worked hard to be together and stay together for their kids.

Both cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me as an adult. No lasting effects except that I still love both of them and appreciate that they are human but they worked hard to be together and stay together for their kids.

Both cheated.

Are they still together?

[Anonymous]

I found out because I heard them talking about how much child support to pay to the woman my dad made pregnant. Thwy thought I was asleep but I listened through the vent.

Eventually they divorced, and we will never know if their marriage would have survived had they made better choices. I don't believe than an affair is a symptom. I believe it is a choice to create an additional problem. People should try to save their marriages, and cheating is not trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom told me as an adult. No lasting effects except that I still love both of them and appreciate that they are human but they worked hard to be together and stay together for their kids.

Both cheated.

Similar story here, except that only one cheated. I found out when the other parent told me as an adult. As far as I know, the cheating parent doesn't know that I know - we've never talked about it.

They stayed together for many years after the affair ended, but eventually divorced. I found out many years after that. So it was presented as ancient history that helped explain a lot of things, but was not a current issue that needed to affect my adult relationship with either parent.

[Anonymous]

My mom told me about my dad's affair. It wasn't the affair per se that damaged me- it was that I was dragged into the middle of their divorce conflict. I know both of them contributed to the downfall of their marriage and an affair was only a symptom, not a cause. Both were abusive towards each other and their kids, except my dad eventually stopped while mom never did, and I don't blame my dad for seeking affection outside the marriage.

If I had the option of parents having affairs but keeping me out of their conflict, vs no affair but putting me in the middle of the conflict, I'd choose the first option.

[Anonymous]

Mom told me when I was in middle school or early in high school that she would run away with a family friend if he asked her to. That never happened and I don't think they ever had an affair. (He was a twisted guy who was playing with other women's minds in addition to my mom's. Such a jerk.) But this is not something an adult should be telling a child. As well as telling me how disappointed she was with my father. Took me a long time to tell her to stop telling me what she thought was wrong with my father.

And when he died unexpectedly she was shocked that she was upset. I wouldn't talk to her about this. I was still pissed at her for blaming all her problems on him.

But I did learn a lot from her example. I learned to take responsibility for my problems and not blame them on dh. In more recent years with the added perspective of age, I realize now how desperately little she got from her family in terms of learning to set boundaries and take care of herself. And people of her generation didn't go to therapists. 12-step programs were out there (my dad went to AA) but it wasn't as widespread and accepted as it is now. Hope things are different for my kid!

[Anonymous]

My mother caught him in their bed at our house with one of his APs. She got in a physical fight with the AP and the place was wrecked. I came home from the last day of 6th grade to broken furniture, broken plates, glass everywhere, and the place a wreck. Another time, the AP was a close family friend. Her son was one of my few friends. I found out when my mom and the AP got in a huge argument and we could no longer go over to their house. A third time, the AP was a tenant who wrote my mom a letter of apology when she had an attack of conscience. I saw the letter.

So many times, so many APs. The result? Hurt, humiliation, shame. Contempt for my father. I have seen him thrice in the past 15 years and not at all in the past 10 years. He is out of my life. Also, lack of trust in men. I am happily married, but quietly keep an eye on DH. Oh, and I was a cheater myself for a while because my attitude was that you have to get men before they get you. I am past that now.