I ended playdate abruptly - Guest topped my son in a sexual position - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old DS hosted a friend for playdate today. I always thought the boy was troubled, older brother is a bully, isn't allowed in our house anymore after he was incredibly rude to his brother, and my son isn't allowed to play there. I'm fine hosting him, although I have a gut feeling that their family dynamic isn't healthy. They recently had a death in the family so I know they are going through a crisis year.
This is the first playdate of the summer since we have been on vacation and otherwise busy. They were playing fine and I sliced apples of them. At one point, I swore I thought the guest made sexual gestures with the apples, but then I thought I was seeing things but decided to stay close by. I brought my laptop to the dining room to do some work while they went to the basement to play and watch a movie. It's just a few steps away within ear shot. I heard the guest making moaning sounds, and asked my son to turn around so I quietly walked over to see what was going on. The guest had mounted my son, in a sexual 69 position. I immediately said playdate was over, I didn't accuse them of anything. I simply asked him to get his shoes because the playdate was over. It's interesting that no one got upset asking why the playdate was over. I calmly drove him home and asked the dad to step out of the house so I can talk to him. I told him that I ended the playdate abruptly b/c of the inappropriate behavior, and said I don't know where he learned that but I can't have him over anymore. The dad looked embarrassed, and said I have no idea where he got that from either and we ended the conversation cordially. When I returned home, I asked my son what happened, and he said the guest got on top of him and asked him to do stuff that he doesn't even understand what it is. I asked him to tell me the words the boy used, and he said he doesn't know or understand the words and doesn't remember. I asked him why he didn't tell the guest to get off of him, and he said he didn't want to get the guest mad or upset. We have had "bad touch" discussions before, so I repeated that he should never let anyone do anything he is not comfortable with, even his "friends"; that his friends feelings are not more important than his feelings, etc. etc. your body is your castle and you are the king.. geez
WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have another playdate with this child, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have another playdate with this child, period.

Agree. Do whatever you can to end their relationship.

[Anonymous]

You should learn to master your emotions and use your rational mind before making decisions.

In this instance you just lost the opportunity to:

1. Stop the action calmly and explain to both children why they should never do that again. The lesson would have stuck much better.

2. Ask the poor boy where he learned that, and try to find out a little more, in case he's a victim of sexual abuse.

It was good to tell the father. However if he's the source of the problem, this boy will not be protected.

[Anonymous]

Well, I don't know the tone of how you spoke to your son but personally I would reflect and make sure I didn't say anything to make him feel like he was at fault for not speaking up. I had things happen to me as a child that I never told my parents about because I was sure I would get a "But why didn't you" lecture. Some acknowledgement to your son that it can be hard to speak up might be helpful.

And, yes, end their relationship. But the question that remains is whether the other child is safe. I know what he did to your son was upsetting, but he learned it somewhere and he should not have. I am concerned if the dad's response ends with scolding him for "acting that way" an opportunity may be missed to help a child who has possibly been abused or is being abused. Do you feel comfortable following up with the parents and letting them know you are concerned about their son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You should learn to master your emotions and use your rational mind before making decisions.

In this instance you just lost the opportunity to:

1. Stop the action calmly and explain to both children why they should never do that again. The lesson would have stuck much better.

2. Ask the poor boy where he learned that, and try to find out a little more, in case he's a victim of sexual abuse.

It was good to tell the father. However if he's the source of the problem, this boy will not be protected.

OP here. Hindsight is 20/20, and I feel terrible that I lost this opportunity. I was stunned, and wanted the boy off my son and out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Op,

I don't know if you are for real, but children who are sexually abused sometimes act this way. Children will most like be molestedby someone they know and have a relationship with like a PARENT for example. So you might have been confiding to the abuser. You should have ended the play date and called CPS.

[Anonymous]

It's not too late to call CPS.

OP, I don't blame you. I would've been in shock as well.

[Anonymous]

As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, your post makes me sad. I understand you don't want your child to be victimized (of course!) but try to imagine what this poor boy has experienced. Now he'll be deprived of a happy friendship.

I would call CPS, as I wish someone had done when I was a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't know the tone of how you spoke to your son but personally I would reflect and make sure I didn't say anything to make him feel like he was at fault for not speaking up. I had things happen to me as a child that I never told my parents about because I was sure I would get a "But why didn't you" lecture. Some acknowledgement to your son that it can be hard to speak up might be helpful.

And, yes, end their relationship. But the question that remains is whether the other child is safe. I know what he did to your son was upsetting, but he learned it somewhere and he should not have. I am concerned if the dad's response ends with scolding him for "acting that way" an opportunity may be missed to help a child who has possibly been abused or is being abused. Do you feel comfortable following up with the parents and letting them know you are concerned about their son?

I didn't even think about that, good point too. I'll circle back with DS along with DH to have a follow-up talk, and acknowledge that it can be hard to speak up. I focused more on what actually happened, whether it ever happened before and how it's inappropriate. I also focused on how it's my job as a parent to make sure he is safe emotionally and physically, and he should always feel safe telling me everything and anything NO MATTER HOW BAD. I told him I can't protect him if I don't know everything - that I love and care for him and don't want anyone to take advantage or do things that are inappropriate.

As for the child/guest, I'll follow up. I feel sorry for him and have several avenues of following up

[Anonymous]

I'm a different survivor of CSA. I think you did the correct thing. In addition to the adult who abused me for six years, I was also touched inappropriately by 3 children my age or only slightly older. I spent decades thinking there was something wrong with me that attracted this. I wish someone had discovered us and stopped these "play dates".

[Anonymous]

OP here, we had another talk along with DH just now. Interesting thing my DS compared what happened to a robbery. He said well if someone was robbing me, I would shout on the top of my lungs because I wouldn't want to lose my money. I think at this age they don't appreciate their bodies and when it's unexpectedly violated by someone who they call a friend, they freeze. Really interesting article about freezing in response to sexual assault. This is just terrifying.
https://medium.com/@laughtercrystal/silence-around-the-freeze-response-erases-the-reality-of-the-majority-of-sexual-assault-and-rape-a95f0157d2f0" target="_new" rel="nofollow"> https://medium.com/@laughtercrystal/silence-around-the-freeze-response-erases-the-reality-of-the-majority-of-sexual-assault-and-rape-a95f0157d2f0

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it well. I would not allow my child to play with these kids anymore.

Re: CPS, I don't know. I don't know if they're being abused or are in a house where more explicit tv/movies/video games are often on in the background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it well. I would not allow my child to play with these kids anymore.

Re: CPS, I don't know. I don't know if they're being abused or are in a house where more explicit tv/movies/video games are often on in the background.

It is abusive to show a 9 year old a video with explicit sexual positions such as 69.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it well. I would not allow my child to play with these kids anymore.

Re: CPS, I don't know. I don't know if they're being abused or are in a house where more explicit tv/movies/video games are often on in the background.

It's not your job to know. It's their job to investigate.

But CPS won't do anything. They're overburdened.