DH has affair & baby - did you stay?

[Anonymous]

Why?

DH promised that it was mistake and yada yada. But there's a baby. A baby he has to take care of for the next eighteen years...

[Anonymous]

I would file for a divorce, but make it as amicable as possible for financial reasons.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't stay.

[Anonymous]

Why would anyone stay?

[taketothebank]

OP - do you and your DH have kids?

[Anonymous]

OMG I would NOT stay. Only an idiot would let this happen in the first place (sorry, OP). Having an affair in the first place is a major problem but getting her pregnant? GTFOH.

[Anonymous]

no way in hell. you can do better, OP.

[Anonymous]

I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

[Anonymous]

The only important question is, can you treat this child decently for the next 18 years?

If you will think and act toward the child with resentment or contempt, those are natural feelings, but you need to exit the picture immediately. You can get another husband, but this is that child's biological parent. Even if the mom marries the perfect step-dad tomorrow, there's so much pain possible for this child if you keep the bio dad away.

If you can act consistently with basic decency toward this child, I think you are a saint. And you may even find that you genuinely care for him or her.

But the chances of this are astronomically small. Much better odds that if you divorce now, without much fuss, there will be at least 4 happier people in a year and for many years to come.

Whatever you do, don't rush to get pregnant. I have a friend from college. She reconciled with DH and ended up with a baby less than 9 months younger than his love child half-sibling. They attend the same jr. HS. It's socially very awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I wouldn't stay. My now exDH had an affair and pleaded the same - it was a mistake, please forgive me and stay together. Luckily, there was no baby. But, there were multiple affairs and lots of other secrets that subsequently came out, and I later heard that one of the womwn he was dating told him she was pregnant but she either ended up not being or getting an abortion.

Honestly, if I were you I would split up. A person who has an affair and does this is deeply damaged. You. can't create a healthy family environment without participating in the kind of lying and coverup and boundary-crossing that is required as part of the affair and aftermath.

Also, TBH, I just simply wouldn't want any part of the responsibility of raising a child that was not mine. And I would feel no guilt about that. The child is not a "mistake" but it is a consequence of behaviour you didn't engage in, didn't know about and didn't consent to and therefore you have every right to draw a boundary and separate. Even in a 50/50 custody situation, being able to raise your children in a stable, honest, connected environment is better than 100% of the time in drama and deceipt.

So sorry you are going thru this.

[Anonymous]

It's not 18 years. This "baby" (who will grow up to be child, and then an adult) is an independent human being who will have some relationship with her father and siblings. S/he will be in your life forever, and unless your DH is a terrible person, he will support him/her like his other children. You should expect her to be a part of your life from here on out. If you can't treat this person reasonably, then you can't stay.

Of course, there's always the possibility the OW will marry someone who wants to adopt the child, but I wouldn't count on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

I don't disagree with your assessment of the wife, but that traumatized woman had a baby with another woman's husband.

[Anonymous]

The baby is here, or she is pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

I don't disagree with your assessment of the wife, but that traumatized woman had a baby with another woman's husband.

This. Definitely.
So unfair for the OP that through no fault of her own, she is the one paying for her husband's and the other woman's "mistake".