DH has affair & baby - did you stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why?

DH promised that it was mistake and yada yada. But there's a baby. A baby he has to take care of for the next eighteen years...

This happened to me a year ago. DH had a long-term affair that resulted in a baby. He sees her regularly and will continue to do so. I thought about divorcing him but decided against it. I cope by relying on a few clear rules and conclusions about our situation:

- he made a bad mistake and a series of very bad choices. With that said, there is no reason for me to inconvenience myself with the hassle of divorce and split custody, and go through logistical pain on top of emotional pain.

- I have no ill feeling toward the child, it's not her fault at all. Her mother won't allow her to come to our house, but I would welcome that. She is in a very bad situation, undoubtedly. But - this is very important - I take zero responsibility for her pain and suffering. She is in a very bad situation but I didn't put her there. Managing this pain is her parents' job, not mine. The reason her mom won't let her come is that they live in a small apartment and we have a very nice house, and she doesn't want her daughter to see "how her siblings live." Well, that's how they live. Deal with it, or don't, that's not my problem.

- in that vein, I have no ill feeling for the child, but supporting her is not my job. I had DH sign a postnup and waive all claims to my assets. Should he have a change of heart, he will leave our house only with whatever he brought in. My income, my pension, my investments remain with me. Upon my death, these go to a trust that someone else will manage. My money is for my children. I'm the breadwinner in the family.

With all that said, I don't wish this on anyone. This is a terrible, very painful, very humiliating set of circumstances for the wife. It's not easy to deal with at all. I'm trying to make the best out of a very bad situation for the sake of my children and my family unit.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I would cut and run so fast all you would see is an outline of my body and a cloud of smoke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

DH promised that it was mistake and yada yada. But there's a baby. A baby he has to take care of for the next eighteen years...

This happened to me a year ago. DH had a long-term affair that resulted in a baby. He sees her regularly and will continue to do so. I thought about divorcing him but decided against it. I cope by relying on a few clear rules and conclusions about our situation:

- he made a bad mistake and a series of very bad choices. With that said, there is no reason for me to inconvenience myself with the hassle of divorce and split custody, and go through logistical pain on top of emotional pain.

- I have no ill feeling toward the child, it's not her fault at all. Her mother won't allow her to come to our house, but I would welcome that. She is in a very bad situation, undoubtedly. But - this is very important - I take zero responsibility for her pain and suffering. She is in a very bad situation but I didn't put her there. Managing this pain is her parents' job, not mine. The reason her mom won't let her come is that they live in a small apartment and we have a very nice house, and she doesn't want her daughter to see "how her siblings live." Well, that's how they live. Deal with it, or don't, that's not my problem.

- in that vein, I have no ill feeling for the child, but supporting her is not my job. I had DH sign a postnup and waive all claims to my assets. Should he have a change of heart, he will leave our house only with whatever he brought in. My income, my pension, my investments remain with me. Upon my death, these go to a trust that someone else will manage. My money is for my children. I'm the breadwinner in the family.

With all that said, I don't wish this on anyone. This is a terrible, very painful, very humiliating set of circumstances for the wife. It's not easy to deal with at all. I'm trying to make the best out of a very bad situation for the sake of my children and my family unit.

You seem level-headed and realistic. Good planning. Guess your DH had reasonable confidence you wouldn't murder him. Mine would have to worry every single day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

DH promised that it was mistake and yada yada. But there's a baby. A baby he has to take care of for the next eighteen years...

This happened to me a year ago. DH had a long-term affair that resulted in a baby. He sees her regularly and will continue to do so. I thought about divorcing him but decided against it. I cope by relying on a few clear rules and conclusions about our situation:

- he made a bad mistake and a series of very bad choices. With that said, there is no reason for me to inconvenience myself with the hassle of divorce and split custody, and go through logistical pain on top of emotional pain.

- I have no ill feeling toward the child, it's not her fault at all. Her mother won't allow her to come to our house, but I would welcome that. She is in a very bad situation, undoubtedly. But - this is very important - I take zero responsibility for her pain and suffering. She is in a very bad situation but I didn't put her there. Managing this pain is her parents' job, not mine. The reason her mom won't let her come is that they live in a small apartment and we have a very nice house, and she doesn't want her daughter to see "how her siblings live." Well, that's how they live. Deal with it, or don't, that's not my problem.

- in that vein, I have no ill feeling for the child, but supporting her is not my job. I had DH sign a postnup and waive all claims to my assets. Should he have a change of heart, he will leave our house only with whatever he brought in. My income, my pension, my investments remain with me. Upon my death, these go to a trust that someone else will manage. My money is for my children. I'm the breadwinner in the family.

With all that said, I don't wish this on anyone. This is a terrible, very painful, very humiliating set of circumstances for the wife. It's not easy to deal with at all. I'm trying to make the best out of a very bad situation for the sake of my children and my family unit.

You said it happened a year ago yet you talk of the daughter's pain? I am confused about the time line on this story...

[Anonymous]

My husband's brother cheated on his wife with his secretary and got her pregnant. BIL and SIL did stay together, going on to have 2 more children. He paid child support for awhile and then the secretary married someone else, who adopted the child.

I posted this once before but MIL found out because BIL/SIL had a picture of the child on their wall and MIL said, "That doesn't look like nephew" and SIL said casually, "Oh, that's BIL's other son."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why?

DH promised that it was mistake and yada yada. But there's a baby. A baby he has to take care of for the next eighteen years...

But Jason said on Twitter that you and he welcomed the baby to the family so I think you already agreed to stay, right? Is A.J. going to stay for Thanksgiving dinner when she drops the baby off?

http://theweek.com/speedreads/717516/former-trump-staffers-aj-delgado-jason-miller-welcome-baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

Postpartum mother deserves everything she gets. Lowest form of low.

But yet the cheating husband gets to keep his wife and lifestyle? I don't think postpartum mother deserved that, and thinking of her sobbing as she dropped off her child every week only to eventually have that child call someone else 'mom'? Ouch. Why isn't the cheating husband to blame as well?

Maybe the wife never cared for him again and moved on with her life in other ways. I could see me doing that. I wouldn't want to break up my home with the kids or lifestyle. I'd pretend to forgive DH, but would never care for him again. I think they are both scumbags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why?

DH promised that it was mistake and yada yada. But there's a baby. A baby he has to take care of for the next eighteen years...

This happened to me a year ago. DH had a long-term affair that resulted in a baby. He sees her regularly and will continue to do so. I thought about divorcing him but decided against it. I cope by relying on a few clear rules and conclusions about our situation:

- he made a bad mistake and a series of very bad choices. With that said, there is no reason for me to inconvenience myself with the hassle of divorce and split custody, and go through logistical pain on top of emotional pain.

- I have no ill feeling toward the child, it's not her fault at all. Her mother won't allow her to come to our house, but I would welcome that. She is in a very bad situation, undoubtedly. But - this is very important - I take zero responsibility for her pain and suffering. She is in a very bad situation but I didn't put her there. Managing this pain is her parents' job, not mine. The reason her mom won't let her come is that they live in a small apartment and we have a very nice house, and she doesn't want her daughter to see "how her siblings live." Well, that's how they live. Deal with it, or don't, that's not my problem.

- in that vein, I have no ill feeling for the child, but supporting her is not my job. I had DH sign a postnup and waive all claims to my assets. Should he have a change of heart, he will leave our house only with whatever he brought in. My income, my pension, my investments remain with me. Upon my death, these go to a trust that someone else will manage. My money is for my children. I'm the breadwinner in the family.

With all that said, I don't wish this on anyone. This is a terrible, very painful, very humiliating set of circumstances for the wife. It's not easy to deal with at all. I'm trying to make the best out of a very bad situation for the sake of my children and my family unit.

Obviously you're seeing the larger picture. Meaning you're not going to toss your life because of a couple of low lifes. Sad for the child, and I agree with most of your points but I wouldn't ever care about that man again. He's obviously cheated on you for years, but couldn't hide this one because she ended up pregnant. I would enjoy your kids, family, and friends. At the end of the day most men aren't worth a lot of oxygen and belong at the end of the list imo.

[Anonymous]

I could forgive infidelity but not another baby. That's just me, and no judgment if you can forgive.

[Anonymous]

While it's not the child's fault I wouldn't want the child around my kids nor the mother etc. I can see why some couples pay the support to the court without ever seeing the mother or baby again. While men are responsible for wearing condoms, women who want to trap stupid men continue to do so by not taking the pill. With all of societies problems I think we should go back to the old way. If you are a woman that decides to have a child out of wedlock you're on your own unless the dad decides to be involved. If he's married then that woman is really out of luck. I will bet if those laws changed you wouldn't have so many women pulling this stuff. Child support is like hitting the lottery today. I knew two professional women that had kids from 2 different men and got a ton in child support because the guys had great jobs. Knowing them like I did there was no doubt they had calculated all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it's not the child's fault I wouldn't want the child around my kids nor the mother etc. I can see why some couples pay the support to the court without ever seeing the mother or baby again. While men are responsible for wearing condoms, women who want to trap stupid men continue to do so by not taking the pill. With all of societies problems I think we should go back to the old way. If you are a woman that decides to have a child out of wedlock you're on your own unless the dad decides to be involved. If he's married then that woman is really out of luck. I will bet if those laws changed you wouldn't have so many women pulling this stuff. Child support is like hitting the lottery today. I knew two professional women that had kids from 2 different men and got a ton in child support because the guys had great jobs. Knowing them like I did there was no doubt they had calculated all that.

You're a terrible person. You know that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could forgive infidelity but not another baby. That's just me, and no judgment if you can forgive.

Not sure what the difference is. Either way obviously it wasn't one time he was cheating. If she didn't get pregnant the wife may never have found out. At least this way he is caught and she can move on with her life. Never finding out and being in a phony marriage is beyond sad imo. At least knowing she can weigh it all and make a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could forgive infidelity but not another baby. That's just me, and no judgment if you can forgive.

Not sure what the difference is. Either way obviously it wasn't one time he was cheating. If she didn't get pregnant the wife may never have found out. At least this way he is caught and she can move on with her life. Never finding out and being in a phony marriage is beyond sad imo. At least knowing she can weigh it all and make a choice.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but I imagine the difference is a permanent, recurring reminder of the cheating. I don't know if I could forgive infidelity at all, but I know myself well enough to know I couldn't if I was reminded of it every time CS came out of the account, every time the kid came over for the weekend, every birthday, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it's not the child's fault I wouldn't want the child around my kids nor the mother etc. I can see why some couples pay the support to the court without ever seeing the mother or baby again. While men are responsible for wearing condoms, women who want to trap stupid men continue to do so by not taking the pill. With all of societies problems I think we should go back to the old way. If you are a woman that decides to have a child out of wedlock you're on your own unless the dad decides to be involved. If he's married then that woman is really out of luck. I will bet if those laws changed you wouldn't have so many women pulling this stuff. Child support is like hitting the lottery today. I knew two professional women that had kids from 2 different men and got a ton in child support because the guys had great jobs. Knowing them like I did there was no doubt they had calculated all that.

Knowing the amount of work involved in raising a child on your own, no child support could possibly compensate for this. I doubt any professional women would do it for the child support alone. Having children out of marriage for child support is simply a very foolish plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You said it happened a year ago yet you talk of the daughter's pain? I am confused about the time line on this story...

A year ago was when I found out. The child was already four years old at that point.