DH has affair & baby - did you stay?

[Anonymous]

This happened in my family 45 years ago. My parents stayed together and rebuilt their marriage. They continue to be happy. OW went psycho, used the child as a pawn and eventually succeeded in alienating our family from the child. My Mother wanted and would have raised the child as her own, but my Dad was asked and decided to give up parental rights and the child was adopted by OW's husband.

My half sibling and I live in the same town, but I feel no connection. I have trust and security issues because of the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

Postpartum mother deserves everything she gets. Lowest form of low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I would NOT stay. Only an idiot would let this happen in the first place (sorry, OP). Having an affair in the first place is a major problem but getting her pregnant? GTFOH.

I'm hoping you realize that once a man ejaculates he has no legal rights as far as a child is concerned. I'll admit the affair is a stupid move on his part but once the sperm is out he can't do a damn thing, condom broke too bad, she "forgot" to take her pill too bad. she could have even grabbed the sperm from a used condom (highly unlikely but possible) too bad.

I'd say the stupidest thing he did was have the affair in the first place, getting her pregnant and keeping the baby to term up was possibly not his choice.

Condom + pull out, vasectomy, many options. Only stupid men get women inadvertently pregnant.

[Anonymous]

No. C'mon.

This happened to me. I filed for divorce. He swept it under the rug and continued on with the OW, stuck in a marriage with a woman he hardly knew.

I'm on my own with my kids and we have a great life together minus ex and with minimal interruption from those sleazebags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only important question is, can you treat this child decently for the next 18 years?

If you will think and act toward the child with resentment or contempt, those are natural feelings, but you need to exit the picture immediately. You can get another husband, but this is that child's biological parent. Even if the mom marries the perfect step-dad tomorrow, there's so much pain possible for this child if you keep the bio dad away.

If you can act consistently with basic decency toward this child, I think you are a saint. And you may even find that you genuinely care for him or her.

But the chances of this are astronomically small. Much better odds that if you divorce now, without much fuss, there will be at least 4 happier people in a year and for many years to come.

Whatever you do, don't rush to get pregnant. I have a friend from college. She reconciled with DH and ended up with a baby less than 9 months younger than his love child half-sibling. They attend the same jr. HS. It's socially very awkward.

This happened to a friend of mine, and the ONS disaster occurred before they were married. She hated the child so much that I had to end the friendship with her. I just could not bear to hear her spewing her hatred of this poor child, while understanding how incredibly difficult the situation was, but all I felt was pity and distress for that poor child with not a single adult to champion him, except maybe me whose words fell on the deaf ears of his stepmother. Don't let yourself become like my former friend - hateful and taking it out on the vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

This may be a troll. There is a Lifetime Movie that has this as the plot. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

Postpartum mother deserves everything she gets. Lowest form of low.

But yet the cheating husband gets to keep his wife and lifestyle? I don't think postpartum mother deserved that, and thinking of her sobbing as she dropped off her child every week only to eventually have that child call someone else 'mom'? Ouch. Why isn't the cheating husband to blame as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I would NOT stay. Only an idiot would let this happen in the first place (sorry, OP). Having an affair in the first place is a major problem but getting her pregnant? GTFOH.

I'm hoping you realize that once a man ejaculates he has no legal rights as far as a child is concerned. I'll admit the affair is a stupid move on his part but once the sperm is out he can't do a damn thing, condom broke too bad, she "forgot" to take her pill too bad. she could have even grabbed the sperm from a used condom (highly unlikely but possible) too bad.

I'd say the stupidest thing he did was have the affair in the first place, getting her pregnant and keeping the baby to term up was possibly not his choice.

Condom + pull out, vasectomy, many options. Only stupid men get women inadvertently pregnant.

definitely agree he's stupid but condoms break, and while pull out can be effective combined with other forms of protection by itself it's a craps shoot. and other options depend on trusting the other party to not forget or slip up.

+1000 on the vasectomy, getting one can be a pain if you are younger and don't have any kids. even at 45 with three kids I was asked to have my wife come in and talk to the urologist as part of the pre-op screening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

This is the ultimate revenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG I would NOT stay. Only an idiot would let this happen in the first place (sorry, OP). Having an affair in the first place is a major problem but getting her pregnant? GTFOH.

I'm hoping you realize that once a man ejaculates he has no legal rights as far as a child is concerned. I'll admit the affair is a stupid move on his part but once the sperm is out he can't do a damn thing, condom broke too bad, she "forgot" to take her pill too bad. she could have even grabbed the sperm from a used condom (highly unlikely but possible) too bad.

I'd say the stupidest thing he did was have the affair in the first place, getting her pregnant and keeping the baby to term up was possibly not his choice.

Um, yes, the father DOES have legal rights to his child.

Once it's born, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

Postpartum mother deserves everything she gets. Lowest form of low.

But yet the cheating husband gets to keep his wife and lifestyle? I don't think postpartum mother deserved that, and thinking of her sobbing as she dropped off her child every week only to eventually have that child call someone else 'mom'? Ouch. Why isn't the cheating husband to blame as well?

Nothing is that black and white. Meanwhile, make no mistake the pregnant woman labored under an assumption (rightly or wrongly) that she'd probably end up with the lifestyle. Why else keep the kid from a relationship born of lies and deceit. So, yes, if that kid is around the wife their entire life, the kid will almost certainly call the woman some version of 'Mom'. Just life and the outcome of a loving bond created by two people that aren't related by blood but relationship. OW needs to think of a lifetime as much as the wife.

[Anonymous]

OP- are you Jason miller's wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

This is the ultimate revenge.

I don't agree at all...

The wife should be humiliated that her husband cheated on her, disrespected her, put her health at risk and now she has to be reminded and face the OW at every drop off for years to come.

[Anonymous]

Run far far away if you can. If you have kids w/ DH get a child support order ASAP so you get the most $$ from DH before the baby mama gets money. Don't stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

This is the ultimate revenge.

I don't know about that. The child needs to be cared for and will affect the dynamics of the entire household.