DH has affair & baby - did you stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While it's not the child's fault I wouldn't want the child around my kids nor the mother etc. I can see why some couples pay the support to the court without ever seeing the mother or baby again. While men are responsible for wearing condoms, women who want to trap stupid men continue to do so by not taking the pill. With all of societies problems I think we should go back to the old way. If you are a woman that decides to have a child out of wedlock you're on your own unless the dad decides to be involved. If he's married then that woman is really out of luck. I will bet if those laws changed you wouldn't have so many women pulling this stuff. Child support is like hitting the lottery today. I knew two professional women that had kids from 2 different men and got a ton in child support because the guys had great jobs. Knowing them like I did there was no doubt they had calculated all that.

Knowing the amount of work involved in raising a child on your own, no child support could possibly compensate for this. I doubt any professional women would do it for the child support alone. Having children out of marriage for child support is simply a very foolish plan.

Oh please, so untrue. My own sil got 1500 a month back 20 years ago because my brother made great money. He was planning to divorce her and she knew she wasn't going to make a ton. Nope I've seen it and many different situations. Like taxes it goes by how much income and if he makes a lot she will get more.

Does $ 1500 even cover daycare anymore ? It certainly won't come close to covering all the food, clothing, diapers, toys, safety equipment, school supplies, insurance, etc. Not really a profit-making venture.

NP here but we definitely dont spend anywhere near 1,500 a month on food, diapers, etc. In most states daycare and medical expenses are added to the child support amount so if the mom isnt making much she will pay a small % of the daycare costs.

Not where I am. Daycare is paid by the custodial parent
If child support is enough it can be paid from that, but it isn't a separate amount. The court can consider cost, but, there isn't a separate amount ordered above the child support. Insurance can be carried by either parent and cost again can be considered in the support order, but is not seperate from the support amount. If I pay $400 for insurance (health/dental) and $1000 for child care, that would leave $100 for everything else. I'm cheap, but not that cheap, so I'd not profit on a $1500 support order.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't stay with him. The affair is bad enough and who knows if it was his first. Also, every time you see his love child you will be reminded of his affair. Why put yourself through that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These stories are really sad. My friend's father had a secret love child. His mother found out when my friend was in middle school. His mother did not divorce his father because he was very wealthy and she did not want to give up the lifestyle. His parents are still married. My friend occassionally sees his half sister socially since they are now adults.

However my friend is pretty f&#ked emotionally. He is a very unhappy guy with a lot of insecurities. He says it goes back to what his fathet did.

I don't know anyone in this situation but why would it impact the children of the intact family? Did the father bring the other child around and that caused issues?

Dp, but I was a kid from the intact family. It caused issues for me, because this child was in and out of my life for five years and then gone. I was aware that this sibling had a different mother than me and I knew that my dad shouldn't have a kid with anyone except my mom. They didn't explain anything to me. It left me with trust issues and also conflicted feelings about whether to have contact with my half sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These stories are really sad. My friend's father had a secret love child. His mother found out when my friend was in middle school. His mother did not divorce his father because he was very wealthy and she did not want to give up the lifestyle. His parents are still married. My friend occassionally sees his half sister socially since they are now adults.

However my friend is pretty f&#ked emotionally. He is a very unhappy guy with a lot of insecurities. He says it goes back to what his fathet did.

I don't know anyone in this situation but why would it impact the children of the intact family? Did the father bring the other child around and that caused issues?

Dp, but I was a kid from the intact family. It caused issues for me, because this child was in and out of my life for five years and then gone. I was aware that this sibling had a different mother than me and I knew that my dad shouldn't have a kid with anyone except my mom. They didn't explain anything to me. It left me with trust issues and also conflicted feelings about whether to have contact with my half sibling.

My mother was in the same situation with one half-sibling. To be perfectly honest there was bad blood between the full and half siblings for a long time. Boiled over when the half-sibling got the father to change his will before he died and got rights to majority of the financial windfall. My mother doesn't even speak to her half-sister. This all happened when I was 12 or so but for the longest time no one even explained who 'Aunt Samantha' even was. Like a secret darkness in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These stories are really sad. My friend's father had a secret love child. His mother found out when my friend was in middle school. His mother did not divorce his father because he was very wealthy and she did not want to give up the lifestyle. His parents are still married. My friend occassionally sees his half sister socially since they are now adults.

However my friend is pretty f&#ked emotionally. He is a very unhappy guy with a lot of insecurities. He says it goes back to what his fathet did.

I don't know anyone in this situation but why would it impact the children of the intact family? Did the father bring the other child around and that caused issues?

Of course it affects children of the intact family. Any time and resources the father spends on the love child is taken from the intact family, and has to be compensated somehow, typically by the cheated-on spouse. You can assume the love child and children of the marriage are in contact, and when they grow up and put two and two together, it can lead to all kinds of emotional issues. For the children of the marriage, it's about losing confidence in their father. For the love child, it's about insecurities and unmet emotional needs because daddy always goes away to his real family and no one wants me.

Gotcha. I was assuming a situation where the father was not involved with the love child.

NP. I'm really surprised that you can't see how this would affect the kids of the "intact" family even if the father had no contact whatsoever thereafter with the OW or "love child" (even forgetting about the siphoned money/resources which in most families would be a BIG deal).

A legit child in this situation would likely grow up knowing that while other fathers were playing football with his kids at the park, etc etc, his father was out betraying his mother and abandoning his family to get sexual pleasure from some random woman/women, and lying to everyone in the process to get it. And also being totally reckless about it - not caring about the physical health of his mother in terms of STDs etc or the financial health of the family. I can see how it would make a child feel unworthy, a bit the same as kids of alcoholics - daddy is at the bar all night instead of being home with his family, maybe driving home drunk despite whatever bad stuff will happen, etc.

Anyway, best wishes, OP. Very tough position. FWIW, I couldn't stay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While it's not the child's fault I wouldn't want the child around my kids nor the mother etc. I can see why some couples pay the support to the court without ever seeing the mother or baby again. While men are responsible for wearing condoms, women who want to trap stupid men continue to do so by not taking the pill. With all of societies problems I think we should go back to the old way. If you are a woman that decides to have a child out of wedlock you're on your own unless the dad decides to be involved. If he's married then that woman is really out of luck. I will bet if those laws changed you wouldn't have so many women pulling this stuff. Child support is like hitting the lottery today. I knew two professional women that had kids from 2 different men and got a ton in child support because the guys had great jobs. Knowing them like I did there was no doubt they had calculated all that.

Knowing the amount of work involved in raising a child on your own, no child support could possibly compensate for this. I doubt any professional women would do it for the child support alone. Having children out of marriage for child support is simply a very foolish plan.

Oh please, so untrue. My own sil got 1500 a month back 20 years ago because my brother made great money. He was planning to divorce her and she knew she wasn't going to make a ton. Nope I've seen it and many different situations. Like taxes it goes by how much income and if he makes a lot she will get more.

First of all, 1500 a month isn't a lot of money to a professional person. But mostly what you don't understand is that having a child alone means so much work, hassle, inconvenience and indefinite limitations on your freedom, that 1500 a month cannot possibly look like a good deal to put up with that. Your sil didn't have a child for the child support alone, I assure you. You should talk to the social services workers who will tell you stories of unpaid child support going back years, or women who only get a few hundred a month, or nothing at all.

Yeah back then it wasn't bad and he agreed to buy them a home in Santa Barbara and pay the mortgage until they were 18. I did work with families for many years and yes there is more women that do this whether single or married for finances, trapping the guy or they simply want to have children. If women didn't want kids they would take the pill, but many so called surprises are very much planned. The pill is highly effective but only if you take it. Yes I know my ex sil very well and she is on her 3rd husband lol and is still doing well.

$1,500 in 1997 is worth $2,283 in today's money. Not a windfall. But you left out the part about buying a house and paying the mortgage. To live rent free and several thousand $$, that's a sweet deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why?

DH promised that it was mistake and yada yada. But there's a baby. A baby he has to take care of for the next eighteen years...

NO. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These stories are really sad. My friend's father had a secret love child. His mother found out when my friend was in middle school. His mother did not divorce his father because he was very wealthy and she did not want to give up the lifestyle. His parents are still married. My friend occassionally sees his half sister socially since they are now adults.

However my friend is pretty f&#ked emotionally. He is a very unhappy guy with a lot of insecurities. He says it goes back to what his fathet did.

I don't know anyone in this situation but why would it impact the children of the intact family? Did the father bring the other child around and that caused issues?

Of course it affects children of the intact family. Any time and resources the father spends on the love child is taken from the intact family, and has to be compensated somehow, typically by the cheated-on spouse. You can assume the love child and children of the marriage are in contact, and when they grow up and put two and two together, it can lead to all kinds of emotional issues. For the children of the marriage, it's about losing confidence in their father. For the love child, it's about insecurities and unmet emotional needs because daddy always goes away to his real family and no one wants me.

Gotcha. I was assuming a situation where the father was not involved with the love child.

NP. I'm really surprised that you can't see how this would affect the kids of the "intact" family even if the father had no contact whatsoever thereafter with the OW or "love child" (even forgetting about the siphoned money/resources which in most families would be a BIG deal).

A legit child in this situation would likely grow up knowing that while other fathers were playing football with his kids at the park, etc etc, his father was out betraying his mother and abandoning his family to get sexual pleasure from some random woman/women, and lying to everyone in the process to get it. And also being totally reckless about it - not caring about the physical health of his mother in terms of STDs etc or the financial health of the family. I can see how it would make a child feel unworthy, a bit the same as kids of alcoholics - daddy is at the bar all night instead of being home with his family, maybe driving home drunk despite whatever bad stuff will happen, etc.

Anyway, best wishes, OP. Very tough position. FWIW, I couldn't stay...

On the second paragraph, I just assumed it's something that wouldn't be discussed and the intact family would just move on. Admittedly, I'm probably thinking of an affair in a limited set of circumstances that mirrors where I happen to be in life (i.e. kids are too little to remember if dad was out of the house) and I'm also assuming it wasn't a long-term affair. I'm also assuming that biomom eventually gets married and the new husband adopts the child although like I said before I don't know anyone in this type of situation so I don't know how often that actually happens. From the few stories I've read on other forums most affair children with uninvolved bio-dads aren't that interested in forming a relationship with them when they are adults so I also assumed that the affair child would grow up and do their own thing. I realize that's a ton of assumptions though so it seems like it would be a facts and circumstances kind of thing.

The resources point is a fair comment. Again, I only know how we spend money with what we make and it's probably a different financial picture for people with lower incomes. For us, the money would just come out of what we save and I would just work for another few years to make up the shortfall. Then again, maybe the dad can make a few lifestyle adjustments (keep his car longer, no expensive hobbies, etc.) to make up for some of the unavailable resources going to child support.

[Anonymous]

I would not stay w/a man who not only CHEATED on me, but didn't have the sense to use a condom!

He could have given you a STD.

Anyway the fact that she got preggers is like a double whammy to the heart.

Leave him & move on and away from this rat.

You deserve much much more out of your life.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could forgive infidelity but not another baby. That's just me, and no judgment if you can forgive.

Not sure what the difference is. Either way obviously it wasn't one time he was cheating. If she didn't get pregnant the wife may never have found out. At least this way he is caught and she can move on with her life. Never finding out and being in a phony marriage is beyond sad imo. At least knowing she can weigh it all and make a choice.

I'm not the PP you're responding to, but I imagine the difference is a permanent, recurring reminder of the cheating. I don't know if I could forgive infidelity at all, but I know myself well enough to know I couldn't if I was reminded of it every time CS came out of the account, every time the kid came over for the weekend, every birthday, etc.

Exactly, this.

I am a realist when it comes to lifetime monogamy. Good in theory, but humans are terrible at it. If we all had windows into our spouses private lives and divorced automatically for infidelity, the marriage rate would be close to zero. It's no surprise to me that people want to have sex outside marriage, and that they act on it. Who isn't tempted?

It's not only the recurring payments, but the OW is going to be a part of my life forever now. As will the kid. And my DH was dumb enough to have unprotected sex to completion? No thanks, she can have him.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that. NO. I tried and it was horrible. Divorced for 6 months now and finally feel like I am healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only important question is, can you treat this child decently for the next 18 years?

If you will think and act toward the child with resentment or contempt, those are natural feelings, but you need to exit the picture immediately. You can get another husband, but this is that child's biological parent. Even if the mom marries the perfect step-dad tomorrow, there's so much pain possible for this child if you keep the bio dad away.

If you can act consistently with basic decency toward this child, I think you are a saint. And you may even find that you genuinely care for him or her.

But the chances of this are astronomically small. Much better odds that if you divorce now, without much fuss, there will be at least 4 happier people in a year and for many years to come.

Whatever you do, don't rush to get pregnant. I have a friend from college. She reconciled with DH and ended up with a baby less than 9 months younger than his love child half-sibling. They attend the same jr. HS. It's socially very awkward.

If you have kids, you put your own kids first. They are victims as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

Postpartum mother wasn't too concerned about traumatizing the wife and children if they had them. Karma is a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman whose husband did this. She decided she had no reason to give up the financial comforts of her marriage. She had her husband push for 50% custody right off the bat. Judge granted visits right away and then overnights once baby was 3 months. She figured the other woman having to drop off her baby to the home of her ex-lover and his wife of 20 years was pretty delicious retribution. (Apparently other woman sobbed every time for literally years). Kid is 10 now and calls the woman "mom"--they have primary custody now. So I guess there's one example.

I'm sure stories about selling her dignity to keep her standard of living and traumatizing a postpartum mother have made your friend highly admired in your community.

Traumatizing a post partum mother? Are you fing kidding me? That wh*re didn't seem to think twice about traumatizing the wife! You reap what you sow. - DP

[Anonymous]

I think nobody knows what they will do until they are in a situation. I used to say I would leave if my husband cheated and, lo and behold, I am still here even though he had a full-blown year-long affair. I am here because I don't want to split time with the kids and disrupt their lives, and because I still love him and think it's worth at least trying. So, even though I used to think I would be out of a marriage the minute I found about an affair, here I sit.

So, I say I wouldn't be able to stay if there was a baby from the affair, but who knows. The idea of having to see the result of my husband's betrayal all of the time would seem to be overwhelming. Of course it would not be the child's fault and that would make me feel awful too. So, rationally, I think leaving once there is a constant reminder is a completely valid option. But I wouldn't judge anyone either way.