Sister-in-Law doesn't want to be a parent
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Anonymous
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She hasn't actually said that, but it's pretty obvious. She has one child from her first marriage (7yo boy) and two stepdaughters (12 and 17). I never see her interact with any of the kids. For her son, this has long resulted in him acting out in a desperate bid for attention, any attention, from any adult. We'll go out to dinner, and the extent of her interactions with the kid are "what do you want, chicken finger or mac & cheese?" If she has the chance to foist of responsibility for watching the kid at a park or playground on another adult, she does, but without asking. She'll just go off with her husband and assume someone will watch the kid.
But this all came to a head this past weekend and I'm pretty pissed. DH and I moved (just a couple of blocks away) and MIL came down with her cargo van to help. We have a 5 month old, which made things challenging. MIL was to take SIL's son (henceforth "TK") Sunday afternoon and bring him to "Camp Grandma" for the week. SIL's family went on vacation the week prior and returned home Saturday night. Sunday, we're moving the furniture. I realized I left my baby's favorite stuff animal at a friend's house Saturday, so ran to pick it up while my DH picked up the rental truck and MIL waited at the house with baby. I return to find SIL there at 10:30 am, dropping of TK, with no warning. "He said he was ready to go to Grandma, so I'm dropping him off!" Um, say what? This is not a great situation for a 7 year old. "Oh, and I didn't get a chance to feed him breakfast, so he's hungry." Grrrrrrrrrr. But then, when MIL asks what big plans SIL has for the day, her response was "I just spent 7 day in a row with three kids. I'm exhausted! I'm going back to bed." What. Da. Fuq. You're a parent. This is kind of what you signed up for. Oh, poor baby, seven days with your children, the horror, the horror! "It was just non-stop 'Mom, Mom, Mom. Mom, watch this! Mom, take my picture! Mom, who made the best sandcastle? Even when I said 'Mom is off duty' they kept bugging me!" I'm trying to explain to her that, no, this is not going to work, I do not need an attention-starved 7 year old underfoot while trying to move all our big furniture and unpack the new place. MIL didn't help at all by saying things like "It's fine, it's fine, it'll give us more time together." I'm just so over this. She's so selfish. I feel so bad for her kid, but, frankly, it's not my responsibility to basically be a substitute parent just because she would rather be doing things other than parenting. Unfortunately, she lives nearby and DH is less willing to curtail our interactions with SIL. But one of these days, I fear I'm going to snap at her and it will be ugly. Vent over. Thanks for reading. |
Anonymous
| She sounds awful, but couldn't you be a little kinder to the kid? He's 7 years, not 7 months. Give him a job and make him feel included. We just moved, and our school-aged son helped with a lot of things. Let him unwrap coffee mugs, put towels away, or pick up the wrappings from the boxes. |
Anonymous
| That poor kid having to hear that neither his mom nor his aunt want him around. Put him to work helping with the move, then praise the hell out of him for doing such a great job. |
Anonymous
THIS! I understand your frustration. But what I would have done is given the kid a job to do in the back of the house and then taken SIL out front and BLESSED HER ASS OUT!! I would have been wrong, but DAYUMMMMM. A more reasoned and effective approach may have been to take her aside and asking her if she is having a hard time with the kids, feeling overwhelmed, but her kid needs her positive attention and maybe she does not realize it. But DAYUMMMMM. |
Anonymous
Yes, yes she did. MIL did exactly what you are supposed to do in this situation, which is make your nephew feel good. He isn't your nephew-in-law, he is your nephew. And you are his aunt. Quit being a bitch about it and step up and give him some love. He really, really needs it. Your kid is going to look up to him tremendously, starting really soon. |
Anonymous
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Her mother is the one who needs to have a come to Jesus with her. But all the adults need to protect the kid as best they can.
Maybe SIL is depressed. Poor kid. I'd just want to have the kid come and live with me. Poor thing. |
Anonymous
| So you were using MIL that day and got annoyed that SIL wanted to use her too? He's 7, not 2. Let him help. Sure, she doesn't sound ideal, but frankly, you sound annoying. |
Anonymous
| Thank goodness that kid that a grandma who at least wants him since mom and aunt don't. Understandably you had a lot on your plate with the move and baby but that 7 year old is just a kid and none of this is his doing. |
Anonymous
You sound like a real peach, OP. Mark my words, this family will distance themselves from you soon enough. Better take advantage of MIL while you can! |
Anonymous
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Sometimes parents either can't or won't do what they need to do to parent their kids, and that is where a loving family member steps in.
Better now than trying to intervene when they are a teenager looking to get their needs filled by strangers on the internet. Give him a job. Teach him things he should know that she she won't. Praise him for behaving in socially acceptable ways. He the bigger person and do it out of love. Try to think of it as how would you want family to treat your beautiful newborn if you and your husband either couldn't or wouldn't do your job as parents. |
Anonymous
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I am constantly amazed at the negative things I hear other mothers saying out loud about their children -- or other people's children! -- while these children are within earshot. And these loud mothers are so self-involved they think the children aren't listening.
The children are listening. |
Anonymous
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Your MIL is a saint.
Please try not to say that you don't want your nephew there while he's in the vicinity - kids can feel when they're not wanted and it hurts. But I completely understand your frustration at your SIL - sounds like she's not all there, honestly. |
Anonymous
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I know you were using MILs van, but if she's local couldn't she have taken the baby and the 7yo back home while you and hubby unpacked?
MIL agreed to watch the 7yo that afternoon... was that before or after she offered the van? Sounds like it would have been a hectic day no matter what. |
Anonymous
Ditto. This is very hard for you OP and I get it. I have a difficult family as well. It's maddening. And while moving? With a baby? As if that's not a stressor in itself? |
Anonymous
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MIL agreed to come down to help with the move. The plan, which I confirmed Friday night, was she was coming Saturday night. Sunday morning and early afternoon we would do the move. Sunday late afternoon, TK would be dropped off at my new place so he could go home with Grandma. MIL offered to take TK after she knew she'd be in town to help us. SIL changed that unilaterally with zero notice.
DH and I have spent years showering attention on TK. We know he is basically persona non grata at his own home. We put forth extra effort to engage him whenever we are together. We frequently offer to take him to the park, pool, playground, etc. but very rarely does SIL take us up on the offer. But we cannot be substitute parents at the drop of the hat because SIL decides she doesn't want to parent any more that day. MIL is not local. She lives 3 hours away. |